- 7 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
I want to get married. I don’t want the wedding. I used to, but I’ve discovered what I wanted in a wedding just isn’t feasible right now, and unfortunately due to logistics, I do have to get married by summer. If you can’t have the wedding you want, is there anything wrong with just calling it off and going to the Justice of the Peace to take care of the necessary procedures? And skip the party? Rather than spending so much time and energy in trying to “retool” what you want? It doesn’t seem like an effective solution so far. (and FYI, nothing has been paid for or sent out, so losing deposits, etc. is not an issue here). I’m having a lot of stress with respect to issues of money and lack of reliability in friends. There are no quick-snap-done solutions to these issues. That includes the one of “just be happy with whatcha got!” “Adjust your expectations!” etc. I’ve heard all the tough love business. I have tried to force myself into that mindframe, every day I go through all of the clichés about how great it will be, how great it is I found someone, etc. It is not working. We’re talking about 20 something odd years of childhood wedding dreams, that’s a lot of dream to undo in 20-something weeks. The wedding won’t be anything close to how I’d like it, and also it’s bringing my worst fears and insecurities from the past 10 years front and center- things like my weight, my consistently more give-than-receive friendships, dysfunctional family issues, my low income, etc. Not all of it can I control, but even with what I can, I can’t change all those things in time for a wedding. It will take years to lose weight AND get a better paying job AND develop new relationships with a dependable, honest set of friends (part of the reason I’m probably not doing so good is that I’ve not been running with the most mentally/physically healthy crowd- it sort of rubbed off I guess).
I want to be married. And again, for some logistical reasons, in order to stay together, we have to by summer. My life is better with him, and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him anyway, so I have no issue with the marriage deal.
But Fiance wants a wedding with it. Family wants it too. Can’t do “small”, too much family. Should I just force myself to do it for them? What if I can’t fake it on the day? Everytime I think about me walking down the aisle I start crying. I’ve talked to Fiance. He gets it, but I just feel terrible letting him down. I’ve suggested for us to have a big 5 or 10 year vow renewal, when my life and friendships are more conducive to a big party, but I know he wants the wedding. I guess a part of me does too, as I doubt that family will travel for “just a vow renewal” and a million other reasons why it wouldn’t be the same, but the wedding just doesn’t seem worth the heartache it will bring. My family I haven’t told. I just don’t know how to be someone else- the happy bride.
I’m hoping folks here don’t get off on being nasty and can try to be kind here, respecting that I’ve already gotten healthy doses of “bootstraps” talk and it didn’t do anything but make me feel like I’m defective. Not asking for pity, just feedback and how to avoid both a breakdown and hurt feelings, if at all possible. Can’t afford counseling at the moment.