- 6 months ago
- Wedding: August 2025
25F & 27M
Dating: 3 Years/Long Distance
Issues: Distance, Commitment, Reconciliation, and Co-dependency(?)
(I posted a message from him below. He refers to be as BEAR)
disclaimer: feeling fragile so if you’re going to call me an idiot please spare me lol.
At my wits end. I love my SO dearly but I’m not sure if we can get past his commitment issues. Last April we broke up and went through a period of no contact for 3-4 months. He finally reaches out on my graduation and tells me he still loves me and wants to work things out but is dealing with a lot of mental blocks. We have been in the reconciliation process for 4-months. I am not feeling the progress I want but my SO insist on working it out with me and suggest we go to counseling together. Anytime i express my frustration he is trying to find ways to “Help” and move our relationship forward. I know we love each other but I am wondering if anyone has ever been with a guy who loves you but has issues when it comes to commitment. We are exclusive to each other and I feel the love but I don’t know. Some ppl say when it’s the right person they should be willing to do anything for you…. I don’t know if thats a toxic belief or not. He would have to relocate to LA because I work in the entertainment industry. I wouldn’t mind moving to Arizona in our 40s but for now majority of my work is here. His industry is flexible.
He is very open to couples therapy. We have been long distance for the entire duration of our relationship. Just a little background on who my SO is….He is generally indecisive when it comes to life in general. When we broke up he revealed to be that he felt as though he had no purpose in life… :/ it broke my heart. He is struggling with understanding his purpose at large and feels as if he will just end up alone. But another part of him really wants this….We are entering couples therapy this upcoming week but I can’t help but feel a little apprehensive. Between that, work, my parents, my sister, my friends.
From SO today:
“ The topics I’m battling in my head aren’t just “do I love her”.
And that’s not really a battle because I know I do. have a range of things from “what if I don’t want kids will she be ok with that?”. Or “what if I don’t want to leave arizona”. Or “if I leave AZ will I be ok moving and what if I’m not”. And like a thousand other things that I know if I’m not at least 80% sure about. Could cause the both of us a lot of grief. I can’t be half assed about these things like I was. That and figuring out past traumas with our relationship and before that. I swear sometimes I feel bipolar.. And I can’t just go in like that. It tore me apart. I know this is selfish but our breakup tore me apart I didn’t show it on the outside but I can’t get you saying “bear I’m scared “ out of my head. I tear up every time I think of it. I don’t want to jump in and do that again I want to be sure of myself. I realize I’m most stable when I’m relaxed and chill which is why I like having just chill moment with you like thanksgiving by the car. A part of me doesn’t want to be alone and another part of me has accepted that I’ll be alone. I’m saying that’s how it feels when it comes to things for me like I’m so uncertain about everything from a day to day level and an existential level. I know that I can’t be that way if I’m going to commit to you. I can’t just go with the flow I need some level of certainty for the both of us. And I know there is stuff I can tackle with you rather than by myself but there is also stuff I can’t work out with you which is like stuff about my life values.”
My goal is to make things work. I don’t want to be like this forever. So if you’re wondering if I’m down for you I am. I’m just saying there’s more to making things work than just being down for a person. At least that’s how I see it.And I don’t want to half assedly jump into it and be unresponsible because that could end up hurting the both of us a lot. I’m working on figuring my shit out. Because I’ve never had to think about stuff like this ever in my life before and it’s not easy.