SO's barriers to commitment or just stringing me along?

posted 4 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
8521 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ellaattia1 :  It shouldn’t be this hard. For either of you. There’s not a lot of detail here, but it sounds like neither of you is an asshole or “wrong”, maybe just wrong for each other. I’d move on. There’s no medal for suffering to make your relationship work. It’s no more noble to fight your way through problems than to find a relationship that doesn’t have those problems. You can stick together because you’re familiar or you can each go off and find someone where the loving comes easier.

Post # 3
Member
2226 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

It shouldn’t be *this* hard. When someone “knows”,  they know.  *You* know don’t you? You’re just not *the one* for him, hence his struggle 3 years later.  Personally I would get on with my life…without him. I’m sorry not what you want to hear. 

Post # 4
Member
583 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

If his job is flexible and he can move no problem he’d have the job apps in and be looking at places. When a guy is in love and there’s no real barrier (sounds like there isn’t) he’ll find a way to be with you, like every day. Guys go from “I don’t believe in marriage or ever want kids” to happily married “can we get another cat because it’s so hard waiting for the human babies?” In no time when it’s the right one. He probably isn’t doing it on purpose but he’s still stringing you along.

Post # 5
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper

He doesn’t sound like a bad guy but he also doesn’t sound at all ready to be in a relationship. He’s got issues clearly and I think being with him at the moment would be agonizing. I think he needs to be single for now and get his shit together. You should break it off and date other people. As pp said, it should not be this hard. 

Also to answer the question in your thread title: does it really matter whether he’s stringing you along or has commitment issues? Either way he’s not boyfriend material. 

Post # 6
Member
309 posts
Helper bee

Ugh. Im sick of this bloke already.  Lol

Sorry,  but it sounds to me that you’ll be spending all your life helping him work out his purpose and hearing about how his glass is half empty.

Go fill your glass with someone else bee….

Also…… this is how he is and your long distance!! Imagine if he was talking this every day.  Gah…. i’m already tired!!!

DROP HIM LIKE HE’S HOT

Post # 7
Member
1292 posts
Bumble bee

Everyone is right, it shouldn’t be this hard if it is the right fit. Here is some perspective based on my relationship that has been super easy. My boyfriend is my sense of home, I would move wherever with him knowing home isn’t a place it’s him and I’d be happy where WE were together. 

Life is too short to be with someone who can’t decide if you are “worth” moving to be with or not. Trust us. He isn’t ready, he isn’t the right fit for you, and you aren’t limited to this one guy. There are plenty of guys out there who will be a good fit for you. Don’t settle for a guy who can’t tell if you are worth being with or not. Just not worth it or necessary. Take a deep breath. Know that this isn’t your one opportunity for love, and have the courage to let this go so you can find the guy who is right for you. Hugs bee. 

– 

Post # 8
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

ellaattia1 :  I always say this on here. Life has a way of being a sh*t flinging monkey. Pressure, stress and difficulties are a part of life but your relationship is where you should be able to take shelter and strength from in those times. Your relationship shouldn’t be your biggest stress and the largest cause of difficulty in your life. It sounds like you both love each other but this relationship is the biggest stressor in your lives.

You can love someone but it doesn’t mean you are right for each other. You two together sounds like it will always be an uphill battle because you are not fundamentally suited with goals or ideals that align. Even geography seems to pose an issue now and in the future. Your so’s gut seems to be telling him no and for a reason. His objections are very valid. They will have a huge impact on the longevity and ease of your relationship in the future. It doesn’t sound like either of you will be happy on a compromise surrounding geography etc.

OP, you are still in the same spot as when you broke up before. I hope couples therapy will work for you both in finding a way forward whether being together or separate but honestly relationships should not be this hard. They should be your shelter in the storm and not the actual storm. 

Post # 9
Member
7488 posts
Busy Beekeeper

ellaattia1 :  

Idk OP,  he sounds utterly self obsessed to me, completely happy to spend life fossicking through the minutiaie of how he feels about/responds  to every shift and possibility ahead of him. Or   behind  him for that matter.

He positively luxuriates in his own emotional analysis.  I couldn’t  be doing with that.  Can you? 

 

Post # 10
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee

How old are you guys? Depending on his age, i would say move on.. if you are both fairly young, it may just be that he isn’t at the right stage yet. I know for example my partner took until around 25-26 to be at the age where he was ready to commit (not just to me, but jobs, buying real estate etc) – and he is amazing now.

It doesn’t seem like he’s done anything wrong, but if he’s 30+ and not able to make a decision or commit, it underlies a bigger problem that you can’t fix. Otherwise, if he’s fairly young it may be a maturity thing. I know in my case, my partner was afraid to make decisions about anything major when I first met him (I ran the other way and we reconnected a year or so later. If he hasn’t matured past a certain age, he may be someone who will never be ready for a full commitment or marriage. 

Post # 11
Member
224 posts
Helper bee

This guy is exhausting and melodramatic. Sounds like he’s inventing excuses for why things won’t work out between you two. I’d take the opportunity and move on

Post # 12
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

He sounds exhausting and seems to take pleasure in self-analysis. It shouldn’t be this hard. I’d be moving on if I were you.

Post # 13
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Just no. He is so self obsessed! You can do so much better. 

He is right though, he will end up alone if he doesn’t start functioning like a normal human being and just getting on with shit, because no one  has that patience for that. 

Post # 14
Member
9616 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

ellaattia1 :  

Bee, sweetheart. The first thing that leaps off the page is your disclaimer; which is where you prostrate yourself before the Hive, confess your fragility, and request mercy.

Sweet Bee, what is that all about? How did you come to surrender so much of your power to internet strangers?

I realize that this wasn’t your original topic, but I believe that this fear and anxiety has a lot to do with the reasons you tolerate a lunatic for a bf.

Elderbee nailed it, as she usually does.  The guy is totally self absorbed. Imagine decades of him jabbering about himself,  bombarding you with his overwhelming adolescent angst. Until his next existential crisis when he has to go find himself.

Does he have a job? Friends? A degree? A favorite sports team that he follows? Does he pay rent or a mortgage? Is he in contact with his family? A hobby? A “yes” to any of the above—he doesn’t have commitment problems. He commits just fine. When he wants to.

Let him go figure out what he wants to be when he grows up and spare yourself a lifetime of word salads.

 

He insists on working it out with me.

WTF does that mean?  He has absolutely no right to insist you do anything. We could possibly make an exception if he’s insisting that you exit a burning building.

No doubt, he loves the idea of couples therapy. Yet another forum in which he can blather incoherently about himself.

And, Bee, just so you know, working the word ‘existential’ into his missive was sufficient grounds to immediately go No Contact. It’s hard to get more pretentiously adolescent than that.

The guy’s a loon.

But, at least he’s down for you.

As for you, Dear One, the belief that the ‘right one’ will do anything for you isn’t toxic so much as it is immature. There is no such thing as a “right one”. With all of the billions of people on the planet, there are many people with whom you could form a happy relationship. 

The notion of being willing to “do anything” is kind of nuts. It’s melodramatic teen logic. Climbing the highest mountain and swimming the deepest sea sounds nice, but you’re not supposed to take it seriously.  Do anything? Really? Multiple homicides? Ok, that seems to work for some people, but, I don’t think you want one of those “I’d kill for you”, guys.

People in healthy relationships have boundaries. They place limits on what they will do, even for ther beloveds.

To circle back, I think your energy would be better invested in some introspection. What drew you to this guy? What do you get out of this relationship? How is it you feel the need to fix him?

Post # 15
Member
256 posts
Helper bee

I can appreciate that he wants time to “figure his shit out,” but I would ask him to do it on his own time.

Honestly I don’t even know what being “down” for someone even means. Clearly it is slang that I am not hip enough to understand, but what it doesn’t signal to me is any great devotion, effort or commitment.

I’m not willing to throw this guy under the bus and say that he’s useless or a jerk or a loser or what have you… We just don’t know. He’s quite young, and guys do often take a bit of time to mature, so it could just be immaturity. He could honestly not be ready to make your relationship more serious or committed, and that is his right.

But equally I think you need to see the writing on the wall and realise that his uncertainty and lack of readiness is not good for you. It’s all very well for him to have these doubts, but he needs to go and have them somewhere else. If it were me, I’d say, “I understand and respect that you are not sure about us. But I need to be sensible and look out for myself here. I can’t be investing myself and deepening feelings and having sex with a guy who is not on the same page. I need to be moving forward and not treading water and meeting other people. So take all the time you need to figure your shit out, but I need to go out there and get on with my life.” And then do just that.

Honestly, life is too short to spend it in emotional purgatory, OP. Decide what you want, and go out there and pursue it.

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