SO's barriers to commitment or just stringing me along?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1254 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

ellaattia1 :  What is the point of couples therapy if you’re living in different states, after all this time? The location issue is your only major problem right now, and it’s pretty simple to solve: either he moves for you, or he doesn’t. If he won’t move then there is no point in puttting more time into this “relationship”.

After 3 years and 4 months of reconciling (which is an extreme amount of time for reconciliation… I mean that’s ridiculous, you have better things to do with your life!) he should know damn well if he’s willing to move for you. If he is, great! Give it a go! Maybe everything will be fabulous once you’re living together. If he isn’t, too bad for him. You need to cut ties and start looking for the next Mr Right, because he’s not it.

Remember you are young, everything will work out. But not if you hang around for him and waste your prime dating years. The solution is simple! Good luck, keep us updated.

Post # 17
Hostess
3632 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

What happened to your post from a few weeks ago where you told the exact same story and the unanimous advice was to end this relationship because it is going nowhere? 

I don’t t understand why people make multiple posts all asking the same question and expecting different answers. 

Post # 18
Member
475 posts
Helper bee

He sounds like a nightmare. He’ll keep being wishy washy and string you along with his poor be I’m so indecisive bullshit. 

Dump him and find someone local. There men out there who don’t waffle and flip flop about their commitment and future with you. 

Post # 19
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

What a headache, just break up with him already. 

Post # 20
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

You may love him but I think you also need to love yourself. Until you love you no one is going to love you the way you want.  Think about he is making you feel and how he is treating you.

I don’t see how the way this guy is treating you is love!  It is not in any sense of the word. 

If he is still facillating the very least he could do is leave you in peace.  I would tell him the only way to talk to him is he moves but honestly I think even if he moves you should question getting back together.

 

This is a temporary commitment he is freaking out over temporary!  Imagine marriage.

You are 25!  In the next few years prime time for you to find a mate.  Do you want to be in this situation in your 30s. 

I know it’s hard I went through a break up myself guy I was dating he said I was pressuring him by just wanting to meet  family!  

You know how I saw it. I agree marriage is serious but we are older and should at least be taking steps to see if we’re right for each other. I was sad but you know what good riddance and grew up!  There were other issues his lack of time. It is hard but I am glad to be free to find someone who loves me.  

Look at how someone is treating you. 

I must say you are doing him no favors by teaching him he can act this way.

Post # 21
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee

“Some ppl say when it’s the right person they should be willing to do anything for you”, I’d say the same applies to you. It’s not like you can’t move to him either. I feel like his message actually makes a lot of sense. Does he want to move? Can he move without feeling resentful toward you? You two should be completely sure before either one of you makes the move. He doesn’t have to uproot his life to show that he loves you. And you don’t have to either, it’s just a matter of if or who would do it. Yes, I understand that your job has more potential where you are but it’s not just about jobs.

I am surprised at some of the responses about his feelings toward himself. He seems to be battling with mental health issues, which he should seek help with. That doesn’t make him crazy. It’s good that he’s thinking about this stuff now, rather than waiting until he moves and regrets it.

I have been with my fiance for 5 years, 4 1/2 years long distance. He’s just recently moved to my state where he’s originally from. We discussed who would move many times. He loved it in Texas, imagined raising our children there and finding a good career. I could’ve done that for him, we came to that conclusion for a while, but we ultimately decided he would move back to Minnesota because most of his family is here and I wouldn’t have to give up my family either.

My advice is to do what feels right to you. Discuss all you need and make you own decision. If you can’t wait for him, then move on. But if you want to work it out, be open to change.

Post # 22
Member
1481 posts
Bumble bee

ellaattia1 :  He shouldn’t be in a relationship at all if he is thinking these things and so all over the place. He needs to get individual therapy because being with the right person isn’t this hard. Seriously it isn’t. You should tell him that you love him but that he needs to handle this on his own because none of his issues have anything to do with you. You two should break up, and he should go get some therapy to figure himself out. No timeline should be put on getting back together because his sole focus needs to be himself. He is incapable of being a partner to anyone at this time, and if he has any hope of being able to do that at all, he needs to go take care of himself first. 

His reasons for questioning your relationship, if you can even call that super random stream of conciousness reasons. Have NOTHING to do with you. Why? Because moving, or not moving somewhere are logistics. Plain and simple. My boyfriend and I could end up moving ANYWHERE because of his job and how he is going to be offered a location in another state at some point in the next 1-2 years. I have ZERO concern about that because it has no bearing on our relationship. I don’t care where we move, because he is my sense of home. If I loved him so little that us moving somewhere would be a deal breaker? Then i must not really love him very much. We love each other very much, and are planning to get engaged and married. Everything else is just details. We know we have the same general life goals, and are compatible emotionally, physically, and morally. It is easy. I can’t stress that part enough. relationships that are right for both people are easy, they move along naturally. This guy is not considering anyone but himself here no matter what he says. Tell him to go get help, and you start putting yourself first. The rest will work itself out. 

Post # 24
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

I would leave, he isn’t worth the heartache he is putting you through.  I had a couple situations like these except we weren’t together that long.  When someone wants to be w/you, they will be w/you.  No if’s ands or but’s about it.  Go by his actions, not words.  He can say whatever he wants.  Thinking he will do the right thing for because he loves you isn’t toxic, that’s just wanting a caring partner.  Everything he says is BS. 

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