Post # 1
Hi bees! First time poster, long time lurker :D. I am getting sooo fed up about this and figured some of you might be able to give me some advice!
SO and I are both 22 and in our last year of college. He is an only child and his parents had a bitter, nasty, ugly divorce when he was 2 and HATE each other to this day….20 years later. Before leaving for college, he split his time equally 50/50 between the houses. Because he’s an only child, each parent is super attached to him and don’t really have much going on in their lives, his dad is retired and his mom works long hours. Neither remarried or date. SO is a people-pleaser and is nice to a fault which is where this problem comes up.
Whenever he does something or goes on vacation with one parent, he has to lie (or feels like he does) to the other parent so as not to “hurt their feelings” (his words not mine). For example, earlier this summer, his mom and him went on a weeklong cruise, and instead of just telling his dad where he was, he lied and said he went back to college a week early. Right now, he out of the country with his dad on vacation and lied to his mom, saying that he’s at a friend’s cabin with no cell service. And, earlier this year, when I went to visit the city his parents live in for a conference, I stayed at his dad’s house but SO forced me to lie to his mom and say I was staying in a hotel, which caused all sorts of weirdness about me having to turn down rides from her and ugh it was so awkward.
Bees, I am so tired of having to keep up the fiction with each parent. Part of me is SO ANNOYED that each parent can’t just frikkin grow up about the issue and that SO can’t just deal with each one being all butthurt. But part of me understands that people are emotional and irrational and that he wants to protect them from their own immaturity. Please give me some advice!!
Post # 2
I think your SO would be better served not lying. If dad asked, he should have told him he’s visiting his mom. No mention of the cruise, he’s just visiting mom. Then at the moment, if mom asks, he visiting dad. No mention of where or what, even if she presses him for it. He’s visiting dad, that is all. I don’t see the harm in doing that, because each parent must be aware that he sees the other at some time.
I suggest you tell your SO that you’re not going to tell him how to handle his parents, but you won’t be a part of any lying yourself. If you think that means it’s awkward staying with his dad, spend a little time at each parent’s house.
Post # 3
Wow your poor SO his parents needs to grow up there is never an acceptable excuse to drag your children into breakups the poor boy even as an adult he is having to lie to his parents because they won’t let him love them both. I think in the long run it would be healthier for your SO to sit both of his parents down seperately of course and explain to them that he’s loves both of them equally a d that they are hurting him by making him feel like he is doing something wrong spending time with one of them explain that he doesn’t expect them to be happy if he sees the other parent but they are to leave him out of it. However I fully understand if he has been raised under these conditions it will be very hard for him to break this habit
Post # 4
The graduation from college should signal a new dawn in SO’s relations with his parents. He doesn’t do anything differently, except when he is seeing one parent and the other asks what he was doing, he tells the truth. That’s all. No excuses, no wondering if he has “hurt their feelings” because he isn’t doing anything wrong.
Are they both going to his college graduation? They will have to figure out something then. Either disregard each other or one doesn’t go. They have to stick it.
Post # 5
It’s so hard dealing with divorced parents. My parents are in the process of splitting up and I lie too 🙁 My dad bought me an expensive watch for my bday and I just cannot bring myself to tell my mom because things are so horrible between them. But I also lie about talking to and visiting each of them.
It is very hard on my SO as well so I feel for you guys. Honestly the best suggestion I can offer is therapy. It’s not something your SO might be able to conquer on his own. I started seeing a therapist just before my parents decided to divorce and it’s one is the best decisions I’ve ever made. Especially since whenever my parents pissed me of I would just end up venting to my so and it became really hard for him. Still working on the lying though…
Post # 6
I think the title of this thread should be: “SO is driving me crazy!!”.
This is for the most part your SO’s fault, not the fault of his parents. I’m assuming he’s been lying like this for the whole 20 years. He’s made it worse and it’s a habit for him now which would be hard to break. Sure they hate each other but nowhere in your OP did you mention that they get upset when he’s spending time with the other one. I think your SO just took it upon himself to decide that he needs to lie to keep the peace. If he had just made it a habit of being upfront from the start and telling them to get over it if they got upset, now that it’s 20 years down the line, they would be used to it. Blame him, not them. Also, if you are uncomfortable lying then be an adult and refuse to do so.