(Closed) SO's ex is texting him

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

its never stupid to be worried. girls will do anything and everything in their power to make people unhappy espically their ex. trust me i had a VERY ROCKY road with my now husband and his ex. a road i would never want anyone to go down. he also needs to put himself in your shoes would he be okay with you texting your ex that you were with for 3 years. sometimes guys dont think like that. but im not understanding what is so important that they need to talk ?

Post # 4
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Britk:  Did she turn into a crazy person when he broke up with her? Yeah, that’s pretty clear. But was she crazy for being suspicious about you and wanting to check his phone and facebook and stuff? Obviously not, since something WAS going on. Even if it’s not physical, it’s wrong and hurtful for someone in a relationship to become close with another girl who has told him she has romantic feelings for him. And I’m sorry, but I would have trouble trusting my guy if I knew he had the capacity to basically emotionally cheat on someone. If he can do that with you…he can also do it to you. It doesn’t sound like that will happen from what you’ve told us, but I don’t possibly see what good could come from them being in contact.

Post # 5
Member
2903 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

When my Darling Husband and I got together the had an ex just like that. My DH  is such a softy and felt guilty for breaking her heart. But she was crazy and she even started to try to contact me! The only way we got her to leave us alone was to COMPLETELY IGNORE HER. No texting back, no emails, no answering the phone, nothing!! Once my now Darling Husband realized that even just saying “hi” back to her was like an “invite for convorsation” then he completely stopped and she went away Laughing

 

Post # 6
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Okay, not to be judgemental at all, because I’ve been there, but when you say: A couple of months before he left for OCS, I started to fall pretty hard for him.  I was respectful of their relationship and didn’t make any moves, but I did tell him how I felt and we became closer. 

You DID make a move and it caused a resulting reaction – just because nothing physical happened, you made a move on this guy emotionally. I think you should acknowledge that. The ex clearly had reason to worry; her man was becoming emotinally involved with another woman.

But, like I said, it happens, and often a lot of us find ourselves falling into the right relationship while coming out of the wrong one. But I think it’s important to acknowledge you may have crossed some boundries a bit, and that’s probably why the ex was as hurt as she was and in turn lashed out the way she did. We do crazy things when our hearts are breaking. Waiting all that time for him while he was at OCS, and then being dumped for another girl she was already suspicious of, I imagine was devestating for her, especially after they’d been together for 3 years – that’s a long time! Do I think it excuses her extreme actions thereafter? Definitely not! But I think perhaps a little compasion towards her wouldn’t go amiss.

Now, as it relates to her interactions with your SO, I agree, the strings should be cut. Nothing good is going to come from that, especially is it is hurting him, hurting you, and likely hurting the ex. I would suggest that you talk with your SO about how your feeling, and make the suggestion to him that it would be best for ALL involved if he set up some strict boundries with her. Even though she can’t see it now, it will do her good in the long run for them to not talk for some time, so that she has a chance to heal. But likely your SO is going to have to be the one to cut her off, because she is not really able to see (right now) the long term benefits of that choice. 

Post # 9
Member
1954 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Wonderstruck:  You read my mind. 

She might have overreacted, but she wasn’t wrong. And I am going to go a step further and say that if he jumped from a relationship that he was in for 3 years, to emotionally being with you while he was with her, to breaking up with her, straight to you….Yeah, he’s going to have a lot of issues that are unresolved there. She might be making him feel guilty, but I’m sorry – he SHOULD feel guilty. What he did was wrong. And he never had time to get over the relationship before he jumped into another one. No offense, but at this point, I wouldn’t be worried about his misery, I’d be more worried about what he did to this poor girl to make her go off like this. I’d certaintly stay out of this while they hash out anything that there is left to say.

Post # 10
Member
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

@Wonderstruck:   Did she turn into a crazy person when he broke up with her? Yeah, that’s pretty clear. But was she crazy for being suspicious about you and wanting to check his phone and facebook and stuff? Obviously not, since something WAS going on.


Exactly!  She went a little overboard, (stalking is never a good thing), but yeah…he was cheating on her, if not physically, then emotionally.  I would probably react pretty poorly if my relationship ended that way too.  No, I wouldn’t stalk him, and I sure as heck wouldn’t send him “I miss you texts” but I would probably do at least some of what she did.

And I’m sorry, but I don’t have much sympathy for someone who tells another person they are falling for them WHEN THAT OTHER PERSON IS IN A RELATIONSHIP.  Doesn’t matter if their relationship is good, bad or ugly, you keep your mouth shut until such time, if ever, that relationship ends.  

However, that ship has sailed, the damage has been done, and now you all need to pick up the pieces.  No, you shouldn’t demand he not talk to her, but frankly, why would he want to?  If I were him, I would just change my number, block her on Facebook, and be done with her.  It’s not good for him to continue to feel bad about how things ended, and it’s not good for her to think there is even a remote possibility of reconciliation.

Post # 12
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@Britk:  Suggest it as it being the best course of action for the ex – trust me, when you’re still in love with someone (as I’m sure she is, even if from comfort), the best way to get over them is to have NO contact. She isn’t strong enough, at this point, to do this, so he needs to do it for her.

Perhaps when you speak to your SO, come at him from a woman’s point of view. Let him know you understand she’s hurting – that’s what happens when people break up! But it is really probably best for her healing and ability to move forward if there is some time and space. But she can’t seem to let go, so he needs to make the cut, for her sake (as well as for his and yours, of course!).

Post # 13
Member
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

@Britk:  I’m not sure I possess the tact to present the idea in a way that doesn’t sound too obnoxious, other than maybe “I think she’s toxic and I’m worried she’s going to try and hurt you again.”

I don’t think it’s fair to say you’re afraid she’s going to hurt him again when she was the injured party here.  Anything that followed was a result of the actions of you and your now-SO.  I would say something to the effect of, “There are three people here being affected by continued contact between the two of you.  And all three of us are being hurt by it in our own way.  Ultimately it’s your decision, but I really feel it’s best for you to cut off all contact with her, even change your number if need be, because talking to her may open the door to her thinking there is a chance at getting back together.  I will support you in whatever you decide to do.”

Post # 15
Member
4324 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@Miss Apricot:  This. 

Except when you say, “it’s not good for her to think there is even a remote possibility of reconciliation.” It’s not good for her to WANT a possibility of reconciliation. He treated her like shit on his shoe when he got back, and didn’t respect her enough to ignore OP’s unwarrented advances before he left. 

I think this might be a bit of karma coming back around. If he was smart, or had learned anything, he would change his number quickly.

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