(Closed) SO's female friend irks me.

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
6107 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m sorry you don’t particularly like this woman but I don’t think she’s done anything wrong. Yeah, she might be a little bitchy but that’s probably just the way she is. As for them going out to get drinks, there isn’t really anything wrong with that. Like you said, your husband probably doesn’t invite you because he knows you would just say no thanks. If it bothers you that bad, you can ask if they do coffee or lunch instead. The fact that she called him to help her out with her roof isn’t a huge deal either. She probably just thinks of your husband as a close friend. I know it’s easier said than done but I think you need to find a way to accept this friendship because it really doesn’t cross the line anywhere.

Post # 3
Member
1039 posts
Bumble bee

You’re reading waay too much into this. They’re friends. She’s married, and, judging by her comment, she’s lonely sometimes and misses her husband. If you had overheard her saying “Damn I’m horny. I wish XX didn’t have a girlfriend, I would totally be all over that if she wasn’t in the picture,” then sure that would raise some red flags.

You said so yourself, you don’t have a reason to dictate this friendship, so stop looking for reasons that aren’t there.

Post # 4
Member
953 posts
Busy bee

They seem pretty transparent to me. You have name a bunch of reasons for their friendship. Her mentioning she wishes her husband were around more because she is a sex fiend doesn’t mean anything at all about your husband. ..she is saying she misses hers..

It seems to me they are really good friends and that’s it. Why are you assuming it has to be that she wants your husband? Or is it just that you are insecure because she is accomplished and self confident and offers intellectual stimulation?

 

Post # 5
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

devi514:  “He doesn’t “open up” to me nearly as much as he does her.”

<br style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1000000px;” />This is the only real problem I see. However, this has nothing to do with her. This is an issue you need to address with your Fiance. It would make me very sad if my Darling Husband opened up to anyone else more than me.

Post # 9
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

 

devi514:  I have to agree with IzzyBear: there are no red flags or flashing caution signs in anything you said about her. The roof thing is no big, 30 minutes is nothing. It’s not like shes 2 hours away. I love meeting people for drinks. It’s more relaxed and in my opinion far more fun.

So she’s snarky, who cares. She wasn’t out and out rude to you. Her personality may just be more abrasive than you care for.

Honetly, I would try to let it go. She’s his friend and has been so for a very long time. I would be livid if Fiance asked me to curtail a freindship that crossed no boundries just because he doesn’t like someones personality.

IN FACT, he has a friend like that. Just SOOOOOOO not appropriate. Fiance knoes I cannot stand extended time with the guy, but I always make sure he feels welcome and never stop Fiance from inviting or going to visit.

EDIT: MAybe try to frame her in your mind as that cousin he adores and has been talking to for years and hold a great deal of respect for. Someone who he loves and admires but is just that. Nothing romantic.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  bassbee.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  bassbee.
Post # 11
Member
953 posts
Busy bee

devi514:   our own insecurity can lead to so many assumptions of others. 

I know it’s hard to change..but the best thing you can do is change your self and your Outlook instead of changing their friendship.

Post # 12
Member
5224 posts
Bee Keeper

devi514:  I’d say suck it up. It doesn’t sound like she has done anything to make you think “she wants him, but is oblivious to it.” I wouldn’t read too much into the roof thing. There might not have been anyone else available, and helping someone fix a roof doesn’t scream romance to me. I wouldn’t appreciate snide comments about my age either. There is an almost 20 year age difference between my husband and myself. I found that when women get be a certain age, some get kind of bitter about men wanting a younger woman. Oh well! Their problem, not mine. I’m glad I’ll never be that way. 

I will say that if you feel like he isn’t as open to you emotionally as he should be, then that is an issue you should address. I wouldn’t put it in the context of “why do you talk to her and not me?” though. That will just come off as petty. It also isn’t her fault that he considers her a confidante, and I don’t think it implies  that anything inappropriate is going on.

Post # 13
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Well, I’ll be the countervoice here. My Fiance and I are not comfortable with opposite sex friends, due to issues in our past (we’ve both been cheated on). I think that whatever works in your relationship is fine, however, when it isn’t working for you, then maybe it’s something that should be addressed, even if it’s along the lines of “I noticed when you were emailing so-and-so that you seem much more open about things than you do with me. That makes me feel bad, because I want to be your number one confidante. What can we do together as a couple to try and get to this point?” or something along those lines. It doesn’t sound like he’s crossing the lines that work in your relationship, but if it’s making you feel badly, you should say something.

Post # 14
Member
11614 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Bridey77:  to be fair, a lot of older women who have that “bitterness” have been left by their husbands for a younger woman who doesn’t question him at all. I can totally understand why they (and thier kids who were also abandoned) are “bitter” and I imagine I might be if that happend to me. Not saying this is always the case, but it happens often enough. 

Post # 15
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

devi514:  “The thing is, I don’t really have a reason to dictate his friendship with this woman.”

I’m in the school of thought that we (meaning ourselves AND our partners) never have a reason to dictate any friendships with others, opposite sex or not. The only time you get to dictate a friendship is on behalf of your children when they are still minors.

You actually sound really levelheaded and rational, and I really can understand why you’re having some of these feelings! That said I agree wih others that from the outside looking in, there is not a lot wrong. I would be be bothered by backhanded or belittling remarks about age or whatever else (more so by him hearing them and not reacting than her just saying them) and that he may confide in her more — but the first issue could just be due to him being a bit of an oblivious guy or knowing her well enough to know it’s not mean spirited, but her personality — and the second may just need more time as the relationship is still reletively new.

If she really is throwing around disparaging comments, then she will dig her own grave by highlighting her own insecurities. Nothing turns men off more (in friendships or relationships) than that. So i think you should just continue to be you, the person he clearly is into and wants to be with, and attractively project security and confidence. Over time, you guys will grow closer and any designs or insecurities she has will become more apparent (and unnapealling to be around). At the end of the day it doesn’t matter if she has interest in him, because he gets to choose — and he’s choosing you.

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