SO's female friend

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 1
Member
344 posts
Helper bee

When I first met my SO he was a roommate to a female friend and her two children. Her husband had passed suddenly and tragically and my SO offered to move in with her while she helped get on her feet, provide extra child care and rent money, things like that. They were friends for years before I met him.

Apparently, (before I met him) they had had a sexually flirty relationship. I’ve been single before and have had flirty friendships with guys so I understood this completely. But i was under the impression that when you enter an exclusive relationship with someone that the flirtyness in those relationships should stop. Anyways, I saw some messages (that were from while we were together- if they were past messages this would be a non-issue) that were sexually flirty in nature, mostly because she was feeling down and he was trying to make her feel better type of thing, but I was extremely uncomfortable with it, and I was under the impression that their relationship was completely platonic, so I felt betrayed to find out they still talked that way to each other (even if nothing ever physically happened which I believe 100%, I do not think my SO would ever cheat on me. I did feel betrayed just by the flirtations, though). I expressed my feelings to my SO and he said he completely understood and was sorry, that that was just the way they always interacted and he didn’t realize it would hurt me since it was all just talk. 

Honestly it sort of changed the way I view their relationship, it makes me really uncomfortable that they expressed attraction to one another while he was in a committed relationship with me. I’m not naive I know he is going to think other women are attractive, but I don’t like the fact that he feels so intimately close to this one that he felt he needed to share it with her.

Well fast forward years later, she moved away and he lives with me now, but she’s coming into town and wants to meet up with us so the kids can see us and stuff. I do trust my SO that nothing is going on between them, but I just really don’t want to go. It just brings up a lot of bad feelings, and though I don’t care if he goes, I’d rather stay home. SO knows this is a touchy subject so he hasn’t pushed the issue aside from mentioning she is going to be in town and wants to see us.

I know I have some jealousy and insecurity problems surrounding this girl, but I almost feel as though they are a bit justified given their interactions in the past. I trust him and I don’t care if they are friends (he knows he needs to tread cautiously as well as I won’t tolerate any more flirting), but I just sort of don’t want any part of it anymore. There are other reasons I don’t really like this woman as well completely separate from all of this, but I think emotionally this is what is causing all the hang ups (SO spends more than enough time with some shotty Inlaws that I should be able to suck it up to spend time with someone I don’t really care for for him- but given the betrayal surrounding all this it just is difficult for me emotionally to get passed it).

Would I be really selfish to tell him I’m not going? Should I just suck it up and go? 

Edit: Just wanted to add, I know a lot of women probably might think I’m over reacting, and that flirting his harmless and all that. Just knowing me and knowing deep down how I feel, I just can’t be one of those womn who are okay with it. And it’s not even a matter of I think something is going to happen, but more a matter of respect. I would consider it a disrespectful act to go out and tell another guy I think he’s sexy, and I felt disrespected when my SO did it to her. Perhaps I am a bit more stringent when it comes to loyalty/fidelity, but I don’t think that will ever change about myself. I simply can’t and won’t tolerate flirting with others in a relationship, it makes me feel insecure and slighted. I’d honestly rather be alone than with someone who needs to have those types of interactions with other women, and I think that that’s completely okay for me and my life to admit that and be happy with it. I have plenty of good qualities and if that is one of my deal breakers then so be it!

Post # 2
Member
204 posts
Helper bee

I just saw a comment (on a similar post) where someone replied to the OP and said that women should stop apologizing for their feelings. ESPECIALLY when there are legitimate concerns. You are not over-reacting and you’re entitled to feel the way you feel. Most other women (or men) in this situation would feel the same way.

The fact that you’re not asking “Would I be really selfish to tell him not to go? Should I suck it up and just let him go?” speaks volumes about how mature understanding you are. 

Post # 3
Member
3981 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I feel like he ruined any sense of normalcy in a friendship when he decided to exchange flirty and suggestive texts with her while he was with you. For me that would be a betrayal that I’m not sure I could forgive if he continued to want to see her and force you to be around her when you are uncomfortable.

I’m not one for ultimatums but he needs to side with you on this one and create boundaries and make sure you’re comfortable with their friendship, since he is choosing to continue one with her.

Then again maybe I’m not much help when I say that I would personally rather be there if they were to hang out then for them to be alone together but that’s why this is a sticky situation. I would absolutely tell your SO how you feel and let him know that you are still uncomfortable, and then go from there. 

Post # 4
Member
6336 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

My DH has majority female friends and the majority of my friends are male, however, neither one of us has ever been flirty with these people during the course of our relationship. It’s one thing for DH to comment on a close friends selfie and tell her she looks beautiful or he likes the new way she’s cutting her hair. I actually appriciate this because I think its important to build up women and make them feel loved and important because they are friends and thats what friends should do for one another. I know some people might not be comfortable with that but I know it comes from a place of caring and wanting to make them feel good (and I should note he gives compliments to his male friends in the same manner) not from a place of romantic attraction. But it would be another thing for him to make sexually explicit comments to a female friend and that wouldn’t fly.

I think as long as you aren’t trying to ban his friendship that you don’t have anything to apologize or feel guilty about. He made a mistake and he has corrected it from what you are saying, so I don’t feel like he should have to dissolve a friendship over it but I also think your feelings are valid and I don’t think you should have to be around someone if it makes you uncomfortable. 

ETA: The more I think about this, I think the more it depends on what the content of the messages was. If they were super sexual and like “You’re so hot! I wanna get it on with you!” then i’m not sure how I would feel about them continuing their friendship. If it was more like “You know I have always thought you were pretty.” I might not find as big of a deal and be okay with the friendship as long as respect was being shown to me from there on out. Idk, tough situation.

Post # 5
Member
3495 posts
Sugar bee

Girl no. Stop apologizing for your totally justified feelings. Most people in your situation would feel the exact same way, if not worse! – and there’s no reason to feel abd for not being a “cool girl.” I would not be ok with any of this. It was a betrayal as pp said for him to send sexy texts to her while he was wth you. It’s a form of emotional cheating.

“Honestly it sort of changed the way I view their relationship.”

Uh, I’m sure it did – how could it not?? Honestly it would have changed the way I saw our relationship if my partner did this sort of thing.

As for the current conundrum, I dunno what to say – but I kinda think you can’t see the forest for the trees. This is just one specific event. Should you go, should you not go, I don’t know, I’m not sure it really matters…the bigger issue is repairing the trust between you and your SO. For me, I prob wouldn’t be comfortable with him having any relationship with her whatsoever in light of their shady past and his betrayal. I woud not feel guilty about telling my partner that either.

All I can tell you is that you are 100% justified in how you feel and you need to stop apologizing for it. Own it. Listen to your gut here. 

Post # 6
Member
344 posts
Helper bee

Thanks bees. I don’t think I would ever ask him to dissolve the friendship as the kids call him “uncle” and he was very close with their whole family for years. I also don’t have a problem with him telling women they are attractive/beautiful, however the things I found were definitely crossing that line. 

Though he has expressed guilt and remourse and never tried to justify his actions/say my feelings were invalid, I can’t really be sure if he truly understands why I was upset. It came as a shock to him that I was. I think his past relationships with women have all been much more “open” where I was definitely looking for more exclusitivity. We’ve had several discussions on this and have reached a satisfying conclusion, but at the same time this girl just sets me off. It’s been years and it’s sad that I’m not completely over it- but I’m definitely not.

Post # 7
Member
1214 posts
Bumble bee

I would be uncomfortable as well. What did the messages say?

Post # 8
Member
344 posts
Helper bee

Peachytalk :  She was expressing her frustrations of having to date as a widowed woman. Saying that since her husband passed she doesn’t think she’ll ever find a love like that again, that no one would want to date a 30 something year old with kids, and that nobody finds her sexy/attractive. She suffers from severe depression and PTSD from the loss of her husband, and my SO was always a strong support system for her. He told her things like she has a nice ass/body, that if he was single he would sleep with her and guys are missing out, along with a bunch of other complements but those two were the ones that hurt me. He was basically just chatting her up and flirting with her. There wasn’t anything that actually implied he was serious and wanted to sleep with her, or that anything further would come of it. But, it still hurt me all the same.

Post # 9
Member
6336 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

mingogo4 :  Okay, yeah, no. That wouldn’t fly with me at all and he wouldn’t be spending any alone time with her.

Post # 10
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Okay those comments are way off base. I would not feel happy if my FI spoke to another person like that. I would feel crushed. 

Post # 11
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee

mingogo4 :  UHM if my SO told another woman, that he used to sleep with, that given the chance he would do it again, even going so far as to give specific body parts he enjoyed… I would end the relationship. That might make me extreme, but IDGAF. I’m too old and done this shit too long to try and repair a morality valve in my life partner.There’s no planet or realm of the universe where my SO would think for a nanosecond that I would be ok with that, and YOU shouldn’t apoogize for this!!

It is totally inappropriate.

Post # 12
Member
8762 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Sorry, but I think you were  totally justified to feel this way. His comments were consistent with someone in an emotional affair. Actions have consequences and it would be perfectly understandable if you are not OK with him spending alone time with her. I don’t necessarily buy his excuses and justifications, that it meant nothing to him, either. 

IMO this would either be together with you or not at all. And if you aren’t comfortable with it, then guess what? It’s not at all. 

Post # 13
Member
344 posts
Helper bee

At this point it was years ago, and we have worked through it. It’s generally a non issue, and only became one for me at the mention that she’s coming to town and wants to hang out.

believe me, I went through some tough times with him over this, and seriously considered leaving him for some time. But it was years ago, and now we are happily engaged. I just wish she was out of my life so I could continue moving forward instead of getting caught up on something that happened a long time ago. 

Post # 14
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

mingogo4 :  I’m going to go as far as to say I would seriously re-think the relationship with him. He said he was sorry and it was just because that’s how he normally communicates with her is a lame excuse! He knows better!! 

 

And in trying to put myself in HER situation and I’m still iffy about it. Why would she wanna be around a man who is in a serious relationship with another woman who sends her messages like that? 

Post # 15
Member
344 posts
Helper bee

FebruaryBride026 :  I can’t very well leave him over something that happened years ago, and that we have talked through and corrected. Nor do I want to. We have a very happy healthy relationship outside of this situation, which doesn’t come up much at all.

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