- 4 years ago
When I first met my SO he was a roommate to a female friend and her two children. Her husband had passed suddenly and tragically and my SO offered to move in with her while she helped get on her feet, provide extra child care and rent money, things like that. They were friends for years before I met him.
Apparently, (before I met him) they had had a sexually flirty relationship. I’ve been single before and have had flirty friendships with guys so I understood this completely. But i was under the impression that when you enter an exclusive relationship with someone that the flirtyness in those relationships should stop. Anyways, I saw some messages (that were from while we were together- if they were past messages this would be a non-issue) that were sexually flirty in nature, mostly because she was feeling down and he was trying to make her feel better type of thing, but I was extremely uncomfortable with it, and I was under the impression that their relationship was completely platonic, so I felt betrayed to find out they still talked that way to each other (even if nothing ever physically happened which I believe 100%, I do not think my SO would ever cheat on me. I did feel betrayed just by the flirtations, though). I expressed my feelings to my SO and he said he completely understood and was sorry, that that was just the way they always interacted and he didn’t realize it would hurt me since it was all just talk.
Honestly it sort of changed the way I view their relationship, it makes me really uncomfortable that they expressed attraction to one another while he was in a committed relationship with me. I’m not naive I know he is going to think other women are attractive, but I don’t like the fact that he feels so intimately close to this one that he felt he needed to share it with her.
Well fast forward years later, she moved away and he lives with me now, but she’s coming into town and wants to meet up with us so the kids can see us and stuff. I do trust my SO that nothing is going on between them, but I just really don’t want to go. It just brings up a lot of bad feelings, and though I don’t care if he goes, I’d rather stay home. SO knows this is a touchy subject so he hasn’t pushed the issue aside from mentioning she is going to be in town and wants to see us.
I know I have some jealousy and insecurity problems surrounding this girl, but I almost feel as though they are a bit justified given their interactions in the past. I trust him and I don’t care if they are friends (he knows he needs to tread cautiously as well as I won’t tolerate any more flirting), but I just sort of don’t want any part of it anymore. There are other reasons I don’t really like this woman as well completely separate from all of this, but I think emotionally this is what is causing all the hang ups (SO spends more than enough time with some shotty Inlaws that I should be able to suck it up to spend time with someone I don’t really care for for him- but given the betrayal surrounding all this it just is difficult for me emotionally to get passed it).
Would I be really selfish to tell him I’m not going? Should I just suck it up and go?
Edit: Just wanted to add, I know a lot of women probably might think I’m over reacting, and that flirting his harmless and all that. Just knowing me and knowing deep down how I feel, I just can’t be one of those womn who are okay with it. And it’s not even a matter of I think something is going to happen, but more a matter of respect. I would consider it a disrespectful act to go out and tell another guy I think he’s sexy, and I felt disrespected when my SO did it to her. Perhaps I am a bit more stringent when it comes to loyalty/fidelity, but I don’t think that will ever change about myself. I simply can’t and won’t tolerate flirting with others in a relationship, it makes me feel insecure and slighted. I’d honestly rather be alone than with someone who needs to have those types of interactions with other women, and I think that that’s completely okay for me and my life to admit that and be happy with it. I have plenty of good qualities and if that is one of my deal breakers then so be it!