SO's female friend

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 33
Member
4253 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

“I just wish she was out of my life so I could continue moving forward instead of getting caught up on something that happened a long time ago.”

“Nor do I want to <leave him>. We have a very happy healthy relationship outside of this situation, which doesn’t come up much at all.”

“At this point it was years ago, and we have worked through it. It’s generally a non issue, and only became one for me at the mention that she’s coming to town and wants to hang out.”

“I can’t very well leave him over something that happened years ago, and that we have talked through and corrected.”

 

I guess it seems to me like you are all over the place with this.  You say it’s resolved, but it’s not.  This very obviously is bothering you, and I really don’t think you have ever given her a chance.  She has been through hell and back and your fiance was there to help her.  Now you are basically blaming her for this issue in your relationship and “if she in my life this wouldn’t be an issue” type thing.  I don’t think that’s fair.  Again, the messages weren’t the most appropriate and I see why, he could have phrased it differently, but I also think you were overanalyzing the texts.

Post # 34
Member
4253 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

mingogo4 :  What good would that do though?  You don’t trust her.  So you’ll just let your fiance be with her on his own and be all hunky dory?  “Face of betrayal”???  Yikes…

I think it’s time to do some soul searching to see if you really would be ok with this.  I think you’re trying to convince yourself that it will work if you don’t have to see her or talk to her, but I feel like it would only get worse, personally.

Post # 35
Member
11650 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

mingogo4 :  so, the real problem I’m having with this is your fiancé not showing enough concern/care for your feelings and relationship. 

I get that you keep saying it’s in the last, except he brought up that she is in town and SHE WANTS to see you guys.

here’s what should have happened. She called him, told him she wants to see you guys, he tells her you guys have plans already. 

Why? 

Because he is sorry he texted her those things while in a relationship with you, and you guys are over it. If you’re over it, and he’s sorry, this is what he would have done.

no, I’m not saying he can’t have a relationship with her, etc. and sorry about the kids, but he chose to ruin that when he spoke to her that way. None of this is on you; it’s his inability to act on appropriate boundaries.

and that’s why this is still bothering you. It shows that once again he didn’t do the right thing, he relayed her want to you instead of acting on your want.

Im sure he is probably just clueless, but this kind of wishy washy behavior doesn’t scream “your love and heart are safe with me.” And they should. 

 

Post # 36
Member
9828 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

FebruaryBride026 :  I agree. He could have easily said “Well, I think you’re beautiful and have everything going for you! Any guy would be lucky to have you, friend.”

That to me wouldn’t be crossing any sort of line. What he said totally crossed like every line poissible. I also think its an issue that you said he didn’t understand what the big deal is with what he said.

Personally, I think there are sometimes situations that have to change relationships. I won’t go into too many details but Darling Husband has a big heart and always thinks the best of people and sometimes cannot see that while his intentions might be pure of heart other peoples may not be. He had a close friend who made me uncomfortable because I felt she had feelings for Darling Husband (as did all of our friends) but Darling Husband being who he is was convinced she just needed a friend because she was going through some difficult stuff in life. I said “Okay, Darling Husband, I trust you. If you think this is what the situation is I will trust your instincts and do my best to befriend and help this person.” And I did. I tried to befriend this person, help them in any way I could, etc etc. Well, then it came to light that she had been telling people at our wedding that she was DHs bestfriend and didn’t know me at all. There were also some other issues that had cropped up and Darling Husband was becoming increasingly frustrated with her behavior. So, after realizing that not one single other friend would agree to be in the same room as her and my telling him I was no longer comfortable with the friendship he called her up and explained that he would not longer be continuing a friendship with her but wished her all the best.

I never want to be the person to say “You can’t be friends with so and so!” and I didn’t. I explained to him that I was upset at the comments she made to our friends, amoung the other issues and that I no longer wanted to be associated with her and would not agree to any further outings where I would have to see her or be seen with her. From there, he made the decision himself that since this friendship no longer worked for me, it would no longer work for him either and he needed to cut off contact with this person. 

I would hope that if you took your valid concerns to your Fiance he would also make the decision that would be best for your relationship.

 

Post # 37
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

ljm308 :  exactly why I said “rethink the relationship” 

Post # 38
Member
4253 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Also, I’ve been in a situation where I “trusted” my SO but I convinced myself I didn’t trust the girl he would hang out with and flirt with and she would complain about “boy trouble” to him.  I feel like you actually don’t trust your SO as much as you’re saying you do.  You forgave him.  Ok, then why is this still an issue if he was forgiven?  Looking back on my experience with stuff like this, it was actually me not trusting my boyfriend at the time.  I didn’t trust that he would value our relationship over her.  My husband on the other hand?  I trust him 10000% because of the kind of guy he is.  I wouldn’t ever give that up.

Post # 39
Member
9588 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’d just tell him I’m not going and call it a day.  If he asks why I’d be straight about it, but then let it go.  If she lived closer by and they saw each other more frequently, it might warrant further action.. but letting the kids see their “uncle” once in a blue moon. *shrug* 

I understand the litany of other opinions and they’re totally justified.  I get it if you agree with the bees and go with something more drastic. 

Post # 41
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

If my Fiance ever said any of those comments to another woman, I wouldn’t be able to look him in the eye. We have enough respect for each other to not flirt with members of the opposite sex. We are in a committed relationship, after all. 

As PPs have said, it seems like you are all over the place with this. Clearly, it is still an ongoing issue if you have the need to post it to an online forum to source out opinions. 

I would seriously consider asking him to end the relationship he has with his friend, and to be much more open with you about communication in the future. 

Post # 43
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee

mingogo4 :  I am usually quick to say leave because normally the guy screws up royally and his disrespect is so obvious.But in your case, I would not leave my man over this (And you agree with me that this is not up for consideration so good)! The girl was going through PTSD and he told her IF be was single he would do a,b and c to make her feel better. He admitted that was a mistake and you guys have worked through it and happy otherwise. 

The fact that he is transparent about her and didn’t hide that she is in town is a good thing.He is also not trying to sneak behind your back to see her and wants you to come along.If I were you, I would certainly go.Maybe the interaction with her would give you some more perspective. Your man is trying to do the right thing.Give him the benefit of the doubt.They are also meeting you guys with the kids around.Nothing to be insecure about unless it happens again.

Post # 44
Member
1151 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I would not want him to have a relationship with her anymore.  I would ask him to create that boundary.  I don’t care if they’ve been friends forever and her kids call him “uncle.” Things have changed now. Your Fiance and this woman lost the right to their super close intimate friendship when they texted each other inappropriate stuff during your relationship.  

Post # 45
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

I have gotten in trouble for saying this. It’s my opinion: If one of your FI’s friendships is damaging your relationship with him, and making your life miserable, and you’ve talked and hashed it out with no resolution, you have the right to ask him to end it. Some people view this as controlling. It reflects my belief that my marriage relationship has to come first – above FI’s relationship with his friends, family – even his mother. In 7 years I have never asked my Fiance to end a freindship – not the one with the sex offendor, not the one with the swinging strip club owner. But if those friendships start making me feel the way you seem to about this friend – I will work on it with him but if there is no satisfactory resolution, I will ask him to end it.  The fact you have been so tolerant of this friendship shows you are not a controlling unreasonable person. You have a right to ask your Fiance to prioritize your well being and the future of your relationship.

Now – it sounds like you have chosen not to ask him to end it. That is your perogative. You want to know if you should go out with them. Well – if you don’t go, they will be alone together. Are you OK with that? If yes, then why not stay home? There’s nothing that says you and Fiance have to be friends with the same people. But you say you are uncomfortable having this woman in your life -just know,  as long as your Fiance continues a friendship with her, she will be in your life some way some how.

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