SO's female friend

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
1151 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Also, I feel like her texts back in the day constituted fishing for compliments and she was trying to open the door for an emotional affair.  I don’t trust this woman.  My Darling Husband has an ex (also widowed) that tried that shit with Darling Husband and I shut it down real quick.  And I am really not generally jealous or controlling!

Post # 48
Member
4253 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

mingogo4 :  Ok.  I still think you were overanalyzing these texts though.  I mean, from what it sounds like this one text conversation is really the source of the problems, but if it was years ago and you had really forgiven him why is it still causing these massive issues?  You CHOSE to stay with him and you CHOSE to maintain your relationship, knowing what he had told her.  If it caused THIS MUCH betrayal for you why are you still with him?  If it has caused this amount of trust issues why is he your fiance instead of your ex boyfriend?  Your feelings ARE valid, but you also made the choice to make this relationship work despite his betrayal.  Because of that, you are going to have to accept that she is part of your life and move on.  I know that’s hard for you, but this WAS your choice after all.

Post # 49
Member
9588 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

mingogo4 :  If it opens a can of worms, it’s a good thing.  

He should be grateful that your ONLY reaction is to say you don’t want to see her, rather than all the many more extreme measures other bees are suggesting (which again, I would think are perfectly reasonable–even if not the route I’d personally take).  

After all, you’re not making a big deal about it (“uh yeah, I don’t like her… we never got along and those texts sort of sealed the deal.” is not making a big deal out of it.) so why should he?

 

Post # 50
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I really feel for OP. By choosing to stay and deal with this she is forever going to keep having this issue. God forbid they get into a fight or need to go in a break, will he be tempted to sleep with her since he made it very clear that he would of he could? That’s just not something I could get past in a relationship. 

Post # 54
Member
4023 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

slomotion :  your Darling Husband handled it the way every single person should who has a partner who is justifiably concerned with how that person treats their relationship. He knew you were upset with the things she said about you, he took how you felt to heart and he acted accordingly. This is the real difference between your situation and OP’s…

Post # 55
Member
1548 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

mingogo4 :  I would be devestated if my Darling Husband said those things to another woman. If youdon ‘t want to go, don’t.

Post # 56
Member
9588 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

mingogo4 :  if he doesn’t see how this is different than dealing with friends and family who are a little annoying, he needs to have that explained to him. 😛  You could always say “tell you what–if I ever tell someone that i want to have sex with them and precisely what parts of their body turn me on, you are excused from hanging out with them.  Deal?”

Let’s worry about that if it comes to that though, for now let’s assume he’ll just be happy you’re not trying to forbid him from seeing her/the kids.

Post # 57
Member
929 posts
Busy bee

I dont see that this question has been asked….Have the two of them ever been intimate? If so, that brings it to another level.

However, regardless, I would go, just because I would want to make sure that the flirtyness does not happen again.

Post # 58
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

kittytwo :  I’m pretty sure someone said that they did have a sexual past 

Post # 59
Member
12097 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

pickles325 :  I was going to say the same thing. I think she was fishing for more than compliments.

mingogo4 :  

“I am worried he won’t go without me, and it will open up a whole set of problems because he will see me not wanting to go as me not trusting him.”

If anything it’s the exact opposite. Going with him should not imply this, but not going suggests that you trust him to be with her. Which, under the circumstances, I would not. 

Also, what did you mean when you said SO’s past relationships were more “open?” Originally, I thought you meant open in terms of this kind of banter. Were you suggesting that this woman’s marriage was open?  Was SO’s relationship with this woman from before her marriage or concurrent? 

If your boundaries are different, that is an equally good reason to draw some lines. 

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