SO's female friend

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 62
9846 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

mingogo4 :  I really think you are being too hard on yourself and not hard enough on your Fiance.

If you got super wasted and bitched at him for hours after the last event you tried to share with her he should be aware of your feelings and know this is obviously a problem for you.  Does he just not care? Is he just going to continue on anyway even knowing how upset you got last time? 

Post # 64
2053 posts
Buzzing bee

mingogo4 :  Quit apologizing for yourself, woman! You did nothing wrong. You do not have to be the cool girl. You do not have to act like you’re A-OK with everything. There is no expiration date on regaining trust, just because it’s been years doesn’t mean we don’t all strive every day to maintain he trust of our partners. He made a giant, glaring, insenitive, inappropriate, sexual remark to another woman– and he almost lost you over it, and he STILL wants to retain contact with that woman. IMO, he is playing with fire, and is not as invested in your relationship as you are.

If my Fiance had a problem with any of my male friends to the point that it was making him feel stressed, physically sick and hated being around him, the friend would have to go! Period. Now let’s say for arguments sake that said male friend and I used to bang, I sexually flirted with him and declared I’d bang him again if it weren’t for pesky Fiance hanging around, and then expected Fiance to befriend this dude and hang out with him?!?!? What kind of respect would that be showing the person I love most in this world? None.

Post # 65
9846 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

mingogo4 :  Even if it was never discussed, if I would have acted that out of character and upset about something my husband would know that it was a sensitive subject for me and adjust accordingly. Honestly, he would have wanted to discuss then and there why I was acting the way I was and then he would have tried to find some sort of agreement that would ensure I wasn’t upset. 

He knows its a problem for you and how much it upsets you yet he hasn’t sat down with you to try and work something out so that you don’t have to feel that way. That upsets me for you. Its like he isn’t taking your feelings into consideration at all. Even if it was just to say “Hey Mingogo, so and so invited us out when she is in town. I know last time it seemed to upset you being around her. Are you comfortable with our seeing her? Will it bother you to be around her? What do you want to do about this?”

Its just the act of acting like he cares about how you feel and consulting you first.

Post # 68
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Sorry, bee, but when two people who were at one time attracted to each other meet up again after a long time I think it just intensifies the attraction if it’s still there. And knowing you are not there…if you can’t convince him to stay home then you’d better go with him.

Post # 70
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I honestly wouldn’t wait for him to bring it up. If you do, you’re just gonna be sitting around waiting nervously for this bomb to drop. Why not take matters into your own hands? You say you guys are bad at communicating about “such an emotional and touchy thing” – well this is a great opportunity for you both to work on that!

I would sit him down in a calm moment and just tell him how you’re feeling. Say you’re still uncomfortable about his relationship with this woman in light of the lines that were crossed several years back. This doesn’t have to be an accusatory discussion…it’s just you expressing how you feel to your SO, and hopefully he will respond in a way that shows you he deeply cares about you and is going to prioritize YOUR feelings over those of this other woman.

If on the other hand he gets defensive or tells you you’re crazy for feeling the way you do…well, you have five pages of unbiased people here telling you they’d feel exactly the same as you do, if not worse. Don’t let him invalidate you. If he insists on seeing this woman, even knowing how uncomfortable you are, then you’ve got bigger issues to deal with in your relationship.

Post # 71
4253 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

mingogo4 :  Letting it go and hoping it will be fine when she comes in May is not a great idea.  Talk with him.  Compromise with him.  Again, you chose to be ok with this situation.  You chose to be ok with him having her as his friend.  You mentioned the tension between you and her, I don’t think you are helping that situation.  I have people in my life who are not my favorite too, everyone does.  One person in my life in particular comes to mind who I simply don’t relate to in any capacity.  I still am kind to her and I choose to be friendly even though I don’t always get along with her.  You won’t see this girl every day, or even every month.  Would it really hurt to be friendly toward her?

Post # 72
12127 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I think the fact that he’s slept with her may be affecting you more than you are admitting, even to yourself.

Which would be a perfectly fine way to feel. There is no right and wrong to where couples draw their boundary lines. If you believe the past should be left in the past, especially considering how SO behaved after you two were together, that is perfectly understandable.

Again, I’d be more suspicious if SO didn’t want you to come along. Not going means that you do trust him, not that you don’t. But avoiding these situations in the first place is also a reasonable approach.

The fact that you drank yourself into a stupor last time concerns me, though. Was SO trying to be considerate of your feelings, including you in the conversation, or were they having a one on one nostalgia fest? Or worse, was it flirty?  If it was the latter, the first time would have been the last. At the very least, SO would have known how that made me feel. 

I also think that it’s telling that SO mentioned the visit without saying what he wants to do about it. I think that very well might be him trying to feel you out on the subject without being direct. If you are going to have a healthy relationship, I think you have to get over the inability to discuss these things. At this stage there should be nothing you can’t talk about. 

Post # 73
60 posts
Worker bee

Girl, you are wayyy too nice. He had all the right to have a BFF and such, and he totally screwed up when texting her all that while in a relationship with you and lost that right. 90% of my friends are male, we have known each other from high school, slept in the same room etc etc and NEVER had any conversation of that kind. We compliment each other because we love each other, we encourage one another, but even those who are objectively handsome are like brothers to me and would never text me any of that. Now, this is history and you are over it, but if it bothers you, which is understandible, the friend can get lost and the kids can find another “uncle” as far as I am concerned. You don’t have to be friends with this woman and it’s absolutely legit for you to expect your fiance to find an excuse and not to go.

Post # 74
3867 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

mingogo4 :  You are absolutely justified in your reaction to this. If this were my husband, I would have been beyond livid, I would have been devestated to hear him talking to another woman like that. It’s incredibly disrespectful. As it’s happened years ago and you are happy in your relationship, I’ll let it stand.

However, when it comes to meeting up with her: Personally, I’d go. I feel like if you don’t go, you’re just going to be replaying the text messages over and over again in your head, building up the meeting, allowing the “what ifs?” to really come out and play. If you go, you’ll see that there is nothing more than a platonic (though at one time inappropriate) relationship. Also, it may be helpful to this woman to see you as an active and loving partner with your Fiance so she knows to back off with that kind of talk (though you indicated it’s not still happening).

Basically, as much as it’ll irk you, I’d go. Arrange with your Fiance ahead of time that it will be a shorter meeting, but definitely go. 

Post # 75
1247 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Wow.  This is terrible.  I would have left him.  Sorry Bee. 

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