SO's female friend

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 77
Member
32 posts
Newbee

My SO had a female friend who also caused that reaction in me. She is the only person who even the thought of her name makes my blood boil. I don’t feel this way about any of his other friends. She is similar to your SOs friend – attention seeking, flirty, drama attracting. They used to have a flirty ‘thing’ too although never slept together, but she wouldn’t date him because he wasn’t good enough for her (not Christian, didn’t drive a nice enough car) but still strung him along for the attention.

When we got together they rapidly stopped talking and hanging out and she didn’t like the lack of attention so tried to send him inappropriate messages. I found out and we had a huge argument and I basically said I didn’t want him to be even platonic friends with her anymore because I think she’s a shitty person. He agreed, and hasn’t hung out or talked to her for the last 2+ years.

I think as women we often try too hard to be the cool girl and make too many excuses for our partners hurtful behaviour. Him hanging out with your in laws is nowhere near the same level as him hanging out with someone he used to screw and clearly still would screw. When someone shows you who they are – believe them! He TOLD her he would sleep with her if single. That’s just embarrassing and disrespectful, and if you hadn’t found out I’m sure she would have been smirking behind your back knowing your SO is sooo attracted to her.

If she’s depressed or has PTSD that’s something to sort out with a counsellor not your SO. Your SO needs to stick up for you. Assuming you are a normal person otherwise who doesn’t get mad about every friendship, he should understand how much this affects you and act appropriately. To be honest I think it’s a bad sign that you can’t talk about it properly with him and he even suggests that you/him hang out again.

Post # 78
Member
615 posts
Busy bee

Unlike other posters, I’m not going to accuse your SO for not valuing your relationship over his with the friend or not trying hard enough with you. It sounds to me like he’s trying everything he can to make you comfortable with it. He asked you to come with him to see her twice (this being the second time), he avoided her hug, and it’s sounding like if you asked him to go, he wouldn’t (I’m assuming because you said “let him go,” rather than “ask him not to go”). It sounds like he’s trying to leave his going contingent on your feelings. 

It also sounds like you have also tied hard to get over this issue, trying to forgive, going with him last time, not making a fuss about the continued relationship. But years have passed and you’re still not comfortable with it, and you may never be comfortable with it. And that’s fine. But if you will never be comfortable with seeing her because it feels like rubbing salt on a would, you should just tell your SO outright and not force yourself to go. If you’re really ok with the friendship, you should just tell him to have his friendship away from you. If in truth you would like him to discontinue this relationship, tell him so. You wouldn’t be the first woman to demand the end of a friendship and you have the internet’s backing that you wouldn’t be crazy to do so. 

Just a thought, would you be ok if he wanted to invite her to your wedding? How would you handle that? 

Post # 79
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2017

OP I agree with you that it’s all about respect. My FI doesn’t have any close female friends but I have had close male friends. I have one friend in particular who I have known since we were 14. At first FI was a bit uncomfortable about me spending time alone with another dude since he has never had a friendship like that with a woman, but we’ve worked through it and he now understands and is mostly fine with it. The difference is, this friend and I have NEVER had a remotely flirty relationship. The guy honestly feels like my brother and it would be supremely weird to say anything even resembling flirtation.

However I had best friend for years who was also a guy. We did have a very flirtatious relationship, though nothing ever came of it. I would sit on his lap, sleep in his bed, talk nearly everyday, he would tell me all the time I was beautiful and had a great body etc etc… I think in a way he was fulfilling my need for male attention and security at a time I was young and unattached. We had a deep friendship too, it wasn’t all flirty. As we got older and busier we stopped spending that much time together and eventually I didn’t consider him my best friend anymore though we would still catch up occasionally and have similar flirtatious styles of speaking. However, when my FI came into the picture, I put a stop to that. And even though I don’t want to just never see this friend again, I will never be alone with him or have long text conversations with him. If he tries to be our old flirty selves or call me beautiful or anything, I pretty much say “thanks” and find a way to end the conversation. If I ever spend time with him in the future it would be with my FI.

I know that nothing would ever happen there as I am wildly in love with my FI (and personally never wanted anything to happen with my friend), however as you said, it is all about respect and boundaries. And that’s where the difference lies. With friend #1 FI and I feel comfortable with me spending time with him alone. But because of friend #2’s history with me, it’s just not ok. I personally don’t think it’s ok to have a deep and/or flirty relationship with someone who isn’t your SO. Your SO should fulfill your need for all of that.

Just my 2 cents.

Post # 81
Member
382 posts
Helper bee

mingogo4 :  I agree with u on everything u said n how u feel. its normal not to want to visit this woman ever because of what they did. So if u don’t want to go that is fine but does that mean ur SO will not go either? In case he will go anyway I would suggest going with so that this woman sees u with him n how happy u are. Tell her  how happy u guys are n make sure u tell all the great things that he does for u cuz u are special to him 😃

Post # 82
Member
922 posts
Busy bee

He may be all those things, but he’s also the man that sent those messages. Let’s not pretend that one excuses the other. All those actions, good and bad, make up the man.

It seems as though you need to try honesty on for size. If he’s all those things you said above, why on earth are you scared of his reaction? If he’s the strong guy who stands up for you, even when you’re wrong, surely he’s the guy who will understand your feelings on the matter, and defend them to anyone who should question them. If he’s the guy who comforts you when you’re down, surely he’s the guy who will understand how this situation makes you feel, and act accordingly.

If he’s everything you say he is, then I’m confused on how your not going to meet her will have any affect on your relationship? If he goes, then surely he won’t put himself in that situation again, if he’s the man you say he is. If he stays, then surely he won’t place the “blame” for that on your doorstep, if he’s the man you say he is.

Now, your lack of confidence in him suggests you don’t fully believe he is the man you say he is. That’s the part you need to examine. We can all list things our SO’s do for us, or a time that they went above and beyond for us, but when we dig deeper, is the trust and confidence in the relationship there? I know exactly what my husband would do in this situation, because we talk, we share, we make each other a priority above all other relationships. If you believe your SO is everything you say he is, this should be a no brainer.

The fact that it isn’t tells me you’re still lacking the confidence of who he really is, and how he chooses to handle situations. With that comes this insecurity, and this need to avoid the situation and keep it at bay. With her away, your issues with him and your lack of confidence in him are not at the center. Out of sight, out of mind, so to speak. It’s easy to say she’s the problem and if she’s gone, the problem is gone – until the problem manifests in another “friend.”

For the record, to my husband this “friend” would no longer be a “friend,” because any relationship that isn’t building you up, especially as a couple, isn’t a relationship worth keeping. We’ve both cut people out of our lives who put strain on our relationship, for reasons much less disturbing as infidelity.

You need to ask him what exactly he’s getting out of the friendship now. Just because you know a person for 20 years, doesn’t automatically mean you should continue to know them for the next 20.

Post # 83
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I still think he’s a jerk for doing that.

Post # 84
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

Ugh. This would make me extremely uncomfortable. Your feelings are 110% WARRANTED. Bee, no way in hell would I allow them to be together alone. Even if the kids are off playing she can’t use him as a shoulder to cry on. Suck it up, fake it until you make it, kill the situation with kindness but do not be buddy / buddy “this was amazing, let’s do it again soon.” And limit these little catch ups to once every couple of years or so for the kid’s sake. This is inappropriate.

Post # 85
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

mingogo4 :  He’s clearly in love with you but this woman does not bring out the best in him. So they shouldn’t be together alone. 

Post # 89
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

This is all types of HELL NO. 

Look bee, you are worth more than this bs. I don’t like ultimatums, but you need to stand your ground here. Either you continue with this nonsense for the rest of your life with this man or you kill this dead. 

Also, these are NOT his kids. Kids are resilient. They will be fine. This woman is not a good person for YOUR relationship and her (and his) actions have proven so. 

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