SO's female friend

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 91
Member
342 posts
Helper bee

mingogo4 :  Wow, and this is why he is devoted to you and not with her….from all he’s done for her in the past she should not be demanding more, more, more! 

My husband had a friend from his before me life, and they too flirted, and it was about the same situation.  We had been married over 20 years at the point where I found out they had reconnected over the internet (she lived 8 hours away) and started flirting again. I was mad and even madder when she insisted that “you have to remember we go way back…” That shit doesn’t fly when I’m the wife beside him in good times and bad (and he was laid off at the time…..lots to say about that while I’m going to work day after day) anyway, long story short: Its her or me buddy.  He didn’t quite understand, but he wanted his future with me more than flirting with his past, so he just told her sorry, wife comes first.

You were and are totally justified in your feelings, and honestly she sounds dangerous, sorry, but thats how I would feel.  Good riddance, and she should have just been grateful for their past friendship, it doesn’t have to be anything more…

Post # 93
Member
342 posts
Helper bee

We’re fine, but it did take me some time to trust completely again, like I’d check his email and stuff, he knew I was and given me the password. It has been over 10 years ago…I just know that when someone insists they are just friends, some times that insistance is a red flag. At one point I trusted their friendship as far as you do, that he could have met her and spent time with her, but then she kept putting the words “best friend, we’re so close, all our history, remember when, and always the love you the most….” and it started feeling wrong, so i looked farther and found the flirting….. I know on her part she thinks it was all totally fine, but she’s the kind of girl that only has men as closest friends and felt she should be on equal ground as me.  I feel its resolved, and it sound like your husband is not too worried about losing her as a friend.  she sounds demanding and pouty.

Post # 96
Member
1318 posts
Bumble bee

Because ghosting is rude.

Post # 98
Member
11771 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

mingogo4 :  no, you should not muddy the waters by trying to micromanage how he conducts his relationships. 

I know it seems cold, but this is how he wants to handle it and to be frank, its best for your marriage that he ends the relationship. No matter how he does that, it will hurt the kids. 

But he still wants to do it. If you say something he’s really going to get mixed messages from you, and probably feel frustrated. You want to reward him for putting your marriage first, not make him feel like he’s not doing things the right way. 

Yeah, it sucks but things can’t always be done in a nice, pleasant way. Maybe he has issues and needs to learn to cut people off better, but one thing at a time. 

Post # 100
Member
1182 posts
Bumble bee

Meh. I gave up on trying to be the “cool and chill” woman ages ago. You totally have a right to feel uncomfortable. Going to meet her sort of sanctions their relationship in a way. There’s no way I would go, and I would be pretty non committal and honest if he asked why. Just say you don’t really care for her, given their past, and you have other ways you wood rather spend your time xo

Post # 101
Member
1318 posts
Bumble bee

mingogo4 :  I wouldn’t. He’s gotta handle how he ends his friendship with this woman.

I just meant that I could see myself feeling guilty if my husband behaved towards someone in a way I felt was cruel/rude, so it may explain your feelings. 

Post # 102
Member
6093 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I read all of your updates and I’m glad that your Fiance has made the decision to conclude the relationship with this woman. I do feel that ghosting is cruel and especially to the children. Kids shouldn’t have to lose relationships just because adults are messy- that’s not healthy for them. I think he should let her know that their relationship has reached an end point and that he won’t be up for connecting with her anymore but to let her know that he’s happy for her to pass his number on to her children and they are welcome to give him a call or skype.

It sounds like she was most upset about what she was supposed to tell her kids and if that was true, an arrangement where they still get to have their “uncle” would be a workable solution for everyone and would place the children and their well being as a priority for all involved.

If everything happened years ago, her kids should be old enough at this point to maintain the relationship with their uncle, if it’s that important to them.

Post # 104
Member
342 posts
Helper bee

mingogo4 :  Stop, you didn’t do anything wrong, as I’ve read it, SHE is choosing to end their friendship if HE won’t do what She wants? right?  She is putting conditions on their friendship, and it sounds like she needs to be #1, and that’s just not right.  Let him let it go!!!!!

I can almost guarentee you that those boundries you want to be so defined won’t mean anything to her, she’s already crossed them!

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