(Closed) SO’s financial incompetence putting our engagement timeline at risk

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

So, let me see if I understand correctly. You’re thinking about not having sex with him as often b/c he screwed up his financial situation and might not be able to proposed to you by your timeline? If that’s your plan, I have a feeling it’s going to backfire quite a bit.

Marriage is about sticking by each other for richer or POORER. He came to you with a problem (kudos to him) and you helped him out by putting him on a budget that he’s now sticking to. That’s what marriage is about. Not withholding sex b/c you aren’t going to get what you want when you want. 

Post # 4
13010 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@2PeasinaPod:  I agree, marriage is for the long haul, not when it’s easy or convenient.  If this is causing that much strife, maybe the two of you need to step back and take it slower (i.e., not get engaged just because there’s a timeline).  Yes, its upsetting to realize he has more debt that you thought, but money isn’t everything.

Maybe you should both sit down and go over your finances in detail.  Before Fiance and I moved in together, we pulled out bank statements, credit card statements, student loan statements, investments, insurance papers…basically any liabilities and assets we had, we discussed.  You should be aware of what you’re getting into. 

Post # 5
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

@2PeasinaPod:  I think she is saying its affecting her libido and desire, not that she is thinking of using sex as a weapon.

Post # 6
1013 posts
Bumble bee

i would be upset too.  Its not necessarly that he cant propose on time, its that he has let himself get into debt. That means that down the road, say when you have a baby to deal with, will he be spending the money for diapers on his hobby instead?

Thats what i would be concerned with.  Just basic paying the bills kind of stuff. 

I would tell him honestly how you feel. And use I alot.  Say ‘i dont feel as secure anymore knowing there is debt to deal with” instead of “you cant handle your finances and its making me uncorforable”

Post # 7
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

The fact that he currently has a budget is good. Do you think he will keep it? Do you kow for sure he wont get another line of credit to finance his hobby?  I guess what Im asking is, has he REALLY learned a lesson?

Ive dated a few guys who were pretty bad with money. I am pretty good with money and also need to know potential mates are also, or are at least willing to allow me to be the lead with regards to money stuff if we get serious; so I brought it up whenever I thought a bf was irresponsible. They were ALL very open to help if I couched it correctly. 1 boyfriend even let me control all of his finances after he wasnt able to pay rent one month.

Obviously, I think you should bring some solutions up. Would he be open to you helping him clean up the mess? I dont know him or your relationship, but I think the key here is bringing it up correctly. Act like this problem belongs to both of you and that you plan on facing his debt and the need to save for a ring as a team. No blame. No emotion. Just lay things out factually.

Re: sex. Be as honest as possible. I am the same way…. when I dont feel emotionally close there is no way I can get in the mood.  I may be wrong, but it sounds like you are scared there is no possibility for a future. Maybe scared that this lack of good money management will bite you in the butt if you get engaged?

Post # 8
14484 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I would seriously be more worried that he would rack up that debt that if he could propose.  I coudlnt be with someone that financially irresponsible.

Post # 10
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I completely understand where you are coming from.  My first husband was a complete financial idiot.  I mean this man hemorrhaged cash.  Maxed out a $10,000 credit card in less than a year. 

In the beginning of our relationship, it wasn’t too bad.  He’d told me that he was bad with money and told me to take over the finances.  It was kind of annoying, but it offered some degree of control and making sure that we would eat.  Seriously, when I met him he was eating “fritters” which were essentially deep fried gobs of flour and water.  I attributed it to his being a long-time bachelor, but I know better now. 

By the end it though it got to the point where he pitched screaming temper tantrums complete with red face and bulging veins whenever I said anything about a budget or told him we didn’t have the money for something that he just “had to have right this second.”  My two-year-old goddaughter had nothing on him.  He too had an expensive hobby…it was actually more like a habit. 

My advice is if you do get engaged then make sure that whatever marital counceling you get involves some kind of financial counceling.  You will need some kind of plan that you can both agree on.  In my opinion, the best plan when one person is a saver and the other is a spender is to have three separate accounts:  his, hers, and theirs.  Household bills are paid out of the combined account and each party has complete control over their personal account. 

Post # 11
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Waiting is hard, especially when stuff like that comes up.  Nobody is perfect, and whether the problem is something little like leaving his socks on the floor or something bigger like debt, the question to ask yourself is always, “Is it worth it?”  The happiest marriages are not necessarily the ones with the least problems or trials – they are the ones with the most committment where both people value the other so much that the benefits of the relationship are worth working through anything.

I know waiting is so, so hard.  I got disappointed a couple of times before we were engaged, and I felt like it was never going to happen.  I am a person who really likes being in control of a situation, so sitting back and letting him control the timing was hard.  It ends up though that his timing was perfect.  We’ve been married for 8 months now, and it has been the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.  We needed to go through every minute leading up to our marriage in order to be in a great place to start our life together.  So, maybe things that seem like setbacks now will be good for you guys in the long run. It sounds great that he has been diligently sticking to your 2012 budget!  That’s all you ask for right?



Post # 12
206 posts
Helper bee

I wouldn’t wait till you get engaged to get financial counselling. You’re living together, so the time is now. 

Can your SO articulate why he got into so mych debt? Being able to articulate what went wrong is a good sign he’s learned enough from the experience that it won’t happen again.

Post # 15
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree that financial counseling now is a must.  Even though he knows how he got into trouble, he might get the urge to go out and open another credit card with your knowledge and run it up to for this “hobby” of his.  I’m not sure what it is but I would worry that he might need counseling since it almost sounds like an addiction to whatever it is that he could charge up a credit card that fast.

As for the engagement, that’s a tough one.  I personally would want to work on the relationship first before getting a ring in a sham of a relationship.

Post # 16
18 posts
  • Wedding: May 2012

It sounds like he’s doing well with a little guidance from you. You can be frustrated about him making bad financial decisions or you can get over it. We all do stupid things. Sometimes men are just dense. He seems like he’s trying to fix the problem. You 2 definately need to discuss financial boundaries for this hobby. I think the timeline is out of the window. If the 2 of you can work through this and he can get this taken care of by budgeting then hopefully that will help soothe some of your fears about marrying someone not financially saavy.

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