Post # 1
Hey ladies, I need your help. My SO of 8 years has a female friend, who I was friendly to until she asked him to break up with me and date her instead. My SO told her no, and she apologized to him the next day. In the few years after the incident he has forgiven her and believes she doesn’t have those feelings anymore (she is engaged to the guy she was with at the time). I, however, am not interested in being friends with someone who lacks those basic morals.
The problem is that I can’t seem to forgive her or let it go. They don’t talk very often, and don’t live in the same state, but it makes my blood boil when they hang out with old college friends. I still hold a grudge that she would think it’s ok to insult our relationship and me in that way. I know my SO wouldn’t cheat, and doesn’t have feelings for her, but I absolutely hate this girl. It’s not right for me to take it out on my SO, and he’s open about when/what they talk about, but it still makes me want to scream!!!
How do I move on, or at least stop her from getting under my skin?
Post # 3
Did you talk to her about the incident? Maybe if you sit down and get her side of the story, it might help. Maybe she was drunk, or desperate, or something was deeply wrong with her own relationship. Maybe for her, your Fiance was “the one who got away” and she needed to take one shot to sleep at night, maybe she thought he wasn’t that into you and was on the verge of leaving you (especially if he had vented to her about a fight you’d had or something). If she doubted he was happy with you, that might have emboldened her to do something stupid.
It’s been a few years and she’s had time to grow. If you get her side of the story and still don’t believe she’s remorseful, I would recommend talking to your Fiance and telling him how angry she makes you and that while you don’t want him to lose a friend, you just don’t trust her and you’re still hurt by what she did.
Post # 4
It was a few years ago. Your SO obviously chose you, and you really can’t dictate who he is going to be friends with. Hopefully it was just a dumb moment, but she did apologize and has gone on to her own engagement, so maybe it’s time to drop this grudge, since the only one suffering for it is you. None of her actions since dictate that she is a threat. Hating someone is a pretty extreme emotion that just sucks the life out of you.
Post # 5
She was inappropriate once- years ago. She has moved on. She is engaged to someone else.
Apparently you are unable to forgive and move on.
I suggest you try putting yourself in her position. How would you feel if someone was unable to forgive you for what, in reality ,was a minor transgression in the large scope of things she could have done wrong?
Post # 6
@KatyElle: agreed, well said 🙂
Post # 7
I can understand how you feel because even though she apologized, you know that at least one point she had strong enough feelings for your SO to actually have the nerve to ask him to leave you for her. Those feelings don’t just go away, they might fade over time but never really disappear. Also, she was clearly disrespecting you and your SO’s relationship to come out and suggest something like that.
While I wouldn’t keep your SO from ever seeing her again (which it sounds like you aren’t doing anyway), I would keep my distance from her and not encourage my Darling Husband to hang out with her. It isn’t his fault that she did that and he’s proven to be loyal to you regardless, but now that you know she feels that way about him, it’s OK IMO to somewhat monitor the situation from a distance.
My DH’s ex did sort of the same thing way back when I first met him. She got super jealous when she saw us together at an alumni event and that night wouldnt’ stop calling his cell phone and asked him to come over. They had been broken up for over 2 years at the time. So when Darling Husband and I got back together years later, I asked him to cut all ties with the ex, who was still emailing and calling him to that day. Yes she was involved with someone else finally, but it’s my personal opinion that those feelings never really go away and she had no reason to stay in touch with him other than the fact that she still had feelings for him. Like they had no mutual friends, no common interests, lived in different states, etc. So I don’t fault you for feeling the way you do and I think you should trust your instincts.
Post # 9
@HappierKate: I never talked to her about it, because SO thought it would cause problems for him. She doesn’t even know that I know it happened. I think I would feel better if she actually apologized to me, so I plan on asking for one since SO really wants me to move on.
@KatyElle: You are right, thanks for being real with me. Holding the grudge is not logical, and I remember that most of the time. You have a good point that hate sucks the life out of you, I think I’ll write that one down.
@julies1949: She’s never asked for my forgiveness, but you are right that it is minor in the larger scope. I hope her apology to SO was honest and that she has changed.
@moderndaisy: Yes, it’s her nerve to ask that that bothers me the most! She had acted like my friend, and I wouldn’t do that to a friend. He still wants to be her friend, so monitoring at a distance is what we’ve agreed to. No hanging out just them in private places, she doesn’t get to sit in his lap anymore, etc.
Post # 10
Keep your eyes open. We know women like that can’t be trusted. That was a total disrespect and she would not be my SO’s friend or my friend anymore. That would have been the end of it.
Post # 11
I agree with the ladies, she has someone, he has you and everyone has to move forward
Post # 12
I think that’s a good idea. It’s possible she didn’t apologize to you because she didn’t want to upset you so she hoped you would never find out; it’s possible she’s punished herself for her actions (and honestly, if she was sitting in his lap before it’s possible that she felt like he was sending her signals that he didn’t mean to give her). If your SO wanted this to be easier for himself, he shouldn’t have told you about it (though obviously it’s good that he did); he can’t tell you something like that and then expect you to just get over it without having a chance to talk to her about it. If he wants you to be able to get over this, I think he has to let you talk to her.
Post # 13
Honestly, I would take your POV. I think there is no place in a relationship for friendships that try to come between the two of you–your SO has to be the most important thing. I think it depends how serious you two were when she asked him to break up with you, but if you’d been dating for more than a few months at the time, I think that’s a person who is too toxic to your relationship to be in either of your lives. /shrug. I have very little tolerance for disloyalty, and her actions were disloyal both to you and your SO. And for those saying “put yourself in her shoes; she made a mistake,” if I approached a guy friend and asked him to dump his gf for me and he said no, I don’t think I would expect that friendship to continue. Making mistakes also means being held accountable for your actions.
Post # 14
He still wants to be her friend, so monitoring at a distance is what we’ve agreed to. No hanging out just them in private places, she doesn’t get to sit in his lap anymore, etc.
She doesn’t get to sit in his lap anymore?? Was she sitting in his lap while the two of you were dating??
Post # 15
@HappierKate: Thanks, you bring up some good points that I don’t usually consider. I talked to SO about it, and he’s ok with me asking for an apology as soon as we’re done with the semester. I’m actually really looking forward to it.
@misslene: For at least a few times I know of!! She would invite him to watch movies at her place late at night, and cozy up on the couch. He told me it made him uncomfortable, and he had her stop. We had been dating for 4 years at that point, so it’s not as if she could think we weren’t serious. I didn’t really trust her after that, and when she asked him out I definitely had an “I told you so” moment. I think he was oblivious to her feelings or if he was encouraging them.
Post # 16
Yeah, this is not someone you need to be friends with. I think the ship’s sailed for the apology, since you say it happened years ago. It sounds like when they hang out, they do so in a group, so that doesn’t sound too bad. She’s got real nerve, though, and it would be totally reasonable never to invite her to your home, not invite her to your wedding, etc.