- 6 years ago
- Wedding: July 2016
I always thought SO’s mom liked me. I’ve known the woman for almost 3 years, frequently come over for dinner, spent a couple of nights there (on a couch… different story lol), and I always talk to her and make conversation when I hang out with my SO there (we both live at home).
SO and I just came back from a mini vacation. We booked it maybe 2 months ago, and right afterwards SO’s mom told us they want to go on vacation. SO is hoping for a promotion at work. He took 2 days off for our vacation and would have to take 4 days off next week. We both realize that it’s irresponsible and a bit short notice to do that to his bosses. Not to mention, we’re vacationed out. We just want to get back in the groove of things back home. SO is also upset that his mom tries to guilt him into going on family vations (SO is 25). He has 2 brothers and neither of them are essentially forced to go.
SO has been getting really down about it and his mom since we got back from vacation. He wants to move out but can’t afford it yet, and his mom is not making living at home easy.
Today SO told me his mom flipped out on him and said some not so nice things about me because she realized we’re probably not going on vacation with them. She started saying mean things about how he enjoys spending more time with me than with her (duh!?) and that he’s turning into one of my kind (We’re from different ethnic backgrounds and if anything, I’m soaking up more of his culture – just to be clear, we’re of the same race, we just come from different origins). We spend a lot more time at his house than mine, and I talk a lot more to his mom than he does with either of my parents. We just happen to go on more family vacations with my parents because they take more vacations and they coincide better with our time off. Despite this, we still spend way more time with his family.
I’m a bit offended at the things he said his mom said to him (I know it sounds weird with the he said – she said but he texted me everything right after they got into this argument).
I think she probably didn’t mean a lot of what she said and I feel badly about the way she thinks about us. I would have thought she’d be happy that her son found someone who makes him smile (she was actually upset that he’s never happy home but he smiles when I’m around… is that really a bad thing??) And she’s worried that if we get married (she said ‘if,’ I’m trying to switch to saying ‘when’ lol) that we’ll never see her again.
The problem is that with the way that she’s acting, my SO never wants to see her. She’s always asking him for favors, gives him work to do on his time off, gives him work when he’s actually working (he works from home a lot), and she’s constantly guilt tripping him. She says things like “you don’t love me” and “you never want to spend time with me.”
Note: my SO is the youngest of 3 brothers. The middle child got married last Fall and the oldest child is kind of a homebody (no gf, possible social anxiety). While the middle child was engaged, the mom threatened not to come to the wedding because the couple went to the girls family for a holiday dinner. At the same time, the oldest child never goes to any parties and always uses work as an excuse and the mom never says anything to him (as far as we know).
What I suggested to my SO today is to try to have a mature conversation with his mom tonight. He doesn’t usually answer back to her because he says there’s no use and she doesn’t listen. But he always says that she treats him like a child, so I said if he wants to be taken seriously he has to talk to her seriously. I think he should tell her that we’re sorry we can’t go on vacation with them, and that the timing just isn’t right. It’s too soon after our vacation to ask to take off again, especially when he’s waiting on a promotion.
I also suggested that after they come back from vacation we can spend one or both days of the following weekend with them or just the mom. I said we can take her wherever she wants to go. I also offered for us to take her out to dinner tonight, but he said he just wants to be away from her this week.
Does anyone have any other ideas or thoughts on the topic?
Thanks for reading through, you bees are awesome 🙂