(Closed) SO's talking negatively about relationship

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you care
    Id be mad if I found out, but sometimes I vent about him : (14 votes)
    22 %
    I dont care because I vent to my girls about him : (10 votes)
    16 %
    I dont care but I wouldnt vent about him : (0 votes)
    Other..explain : (7 votes)
    11 %
    Id be mad if I found out and I dont put him down to others : (33 votes)
    52 %
  • Post # 3
    Hostess
    3376 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    This is always something that I have had an issue with. I believe that your relationship is between you and your SO. Not you, your SO, and a few friends. If you are having issue with the other person, then talk to them about it. It’s no one else’s business how your sex life is dwindling, or how your girlfriend is nagging you. Venting to someone else about it isn’t going to solve anything at all, you have to communicate if you want to make the relationship work. 🙂

    Post # 4
    Member
    8993 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I vent, sure, but I’ve never threatened to end it to anyone. I know I drive my husband up the wall sometimes, just as he knows that he drives me bonkers, too. Just because you’re in a relationship or married doesn’t mean it’s going to be sunshine and rainbows all the time. We piss one another off. Venting is a way to healthily get rid of that frustration. So, if I found out he vented about me, meh. No biggie. Venting is not putting down. Venting is saying, “I’m frustrated by [Person place or thing] beause..”

    Putting down is, “My [person place thing] is such a [enter adjective] and I [verb] it and want to [verb].”

    Post # 5
    Member
    92 posts
    Worker bee

    well this may be me but i do talk about my SO with my bestfriends, both the good and the bad 

    Post # 6
    Member
    7119 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I have never heard guys talk this way, it’s typically females that I hear do this. I have one friend who I vent with but we make sure to share the good and the bad. It’s useful because she is very honest and tells me when to let stuff go and when I’m over reacting. 

    ETA: I never put him down. As PPs said there is a difference between putting him down and venting/ talking out the situation with a friend. I’m very straightforward with FI and he knows that I talk with this friend about some situations and me venting has nothing to do with how much FI and I communicate.

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    9692 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    @nikkidrew90:  I am a strong believer in the idea that talking to my FI is the only way to resolve issues with my FI. We treat our family (which just consists of us and furbabies at the moment) as our inner circle and everyone else is outsiders. I don’t vent about my relationship to anyone, and no one knows any intimate details about our relationship.

    My opinion is that always leads to trouble. Women often don’t take venting for what it is, and they end up hating the guy who their friend or family member is talking about. I don’t want people to get the wrong impression of my FI – just because I’m mad at something he did doesn’t make him a bad person or mean our relationship is in jeopardy.

    I prefer to keep my relationship between the two people who are in it.

    Post # 9
    Member
    9150 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Yeah I would be mad if I found out he was talking about ending it to other people.  I actually don’t mind some venting but it depends on what the issue is.  If he’s venting because I’m nagging him to clean the house I don’t really care.  If it is more personal issues I would be more likely to be mad if he’s venting or going off on me and being negative about it.  If it’s asking a close friend for advice than I am okay with that. 

    It really just depends on the spirit of it.  Venting because you’re upset that she’s nagging you to clean out the garage is one thing, but venting about your SO being a huge bitch for various reasons and whatnot is not acceptable to me when it’s done in a negative, hurtful way.

    I don’t really vent about him because there aren’t that many things that I feel I need to vent about.  I sometimes do get angry about him being slobby but I really only bitch about it to him and myself haha Smile  That is usually because I’m angry in that moment (of cleaning up after him) but I tend to let things go pretty quickly after that.

    Maybe a good test is, would you say it to your friends in front of your SO?  If you would than I think it’s acceptable, if not it you probably shouldn’t be saying it.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1125 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I would NEVER put my husband down in front of others, for starters why bring others into your relationship issues? And why make other people dislike my husband?
    He doesn’t talk negatively about me at all and if he did, I’d be kicking him out the door 

    Post # 11
    Member
    3200 posts
    Sugar bee

    I do not put him down to others and I highly doubt he does it about me. We are very protective about that kind of stuff. I was married before and my ex husband did this and that was part of what destroyed our relationship.  Sure I vent but even in my venting it’s not to put him down. I have a very wise aunt and a couple of really good girlfriends that I may share a situation with and ask their opinion. But you will never hear me call him names, or disrespect him or talk about ending things… and I use wisdom in what I share and dont share. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    1335 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Gosh, this is hard for me.  There is a fine line between what I consider unneccessary/rude/would piss me off venting vs what I consider ‘normal’ relationship venting.  Of your three examples of what you have heard, OP, the first one is really RUDE and would PISS ME OFF, and the other two are not as intrusive to me.

    I assume my SO talks with his guy friends, in a boys will be boys fashion.  Sometimes they ‘joke’ in front of me about lack of sex, blah blah blah.  One of the reasons I find it ‘funny’ and less offensive is because I know its not true, and that my SO is satisfied and very happy.  So, I feel that if/when he does it, it is more of a harmless fashion, and again boys being boys.

    Just as I have called trusted confidants to vent about my SO.  NEVER ever threatening to end my relationship with him and NEVER EVER venting about trusted relationship issues, and/or issues I have not already discussed with him in length. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    1475 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    @MrsPanda99 +1 . It’s absolutely true that bad mouthing your SO/FI/DH to others will only give them a poor impression of him and when you are over it, they will not forget what you said about him to them. This is especially true of family members and friends, so this is a bad idea.

    @nikkidrew90:  Venting frustrations is okay, sometimes you just need to talk to a close girlfriend about something simple. You don’t want to constantly bombard your SO/FI/DH with every single aggravating and annoying thought you think about them and sometimes you just need to get it out BUT truly serious issues should always be addressed directly with SO/FI/DH not with friends or family members.

    Your serious relationship details and relationship issues and struggles are private and should be treated as such. If its that serious, if need be get a neutral party like a therapist or religious leader. But outside influence and opinions from family and friends will be biased and have potential to cause a lot of damage, it is each of your jobs to protect the relationship and each other.

    ETA: He and I are both private people in general, so this has never been an issue for us.

    Post # 15
    Member
    1891 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    I don’t put DH down or talk negatively about him to others (besides things like “DH has to spend all weekend doing homework and then is traveling for work all next weekend, poor thing can’t get a day off”) because I don’t think anything good would come of it, and also if I had a real problem with him I would discuss it with him instead of badmouthing him to other people.  I would definitely be offended if I were to find out he was talking negatively about me to people too.

    Post # 16
    Member
    7450 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I think its normal to vent. But its WHAT you are venting about to whom which makes the differance. It think sex life is one of those areas where you really shouldn’t open up about. 

    Overall, I think the less people that know about your dirty landry the better. Like sharing too many details about your personal life to co-workers, no bueno. But a trusted ally, I think is fine.

    For me, do not vent on daily nor even weekly basis. However, I have two or three trusted long time friendships (10+, 15+ and 25+ years respectively) that I will share certain frustations with, ocassionally.

    I don’t believe in putting down your mate to others as PP. If thats the case, then folks really need to rethink the relationship cause something is clearly not working.

     

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