Post # 1
- Wedding: June 2020 - City, State
This will be long, please bare with me:
I find myself needing advice on how to suck up inviting my sister to my bridal party and wedding for the sake of my mother’s feelings. I am having a lot of trouble coming to terms with needing to invite her to avoid breaking my mother’s heart.
I should start with my sister is about two decades older than me. We have zero relationship. Whenever she does reach out, it’s to lash out at me because something in her life has gone wrong (evictions that I helped her get out of, medical issues that I have been sensitive too, more problems then I can count that I have stood by her and her husband and kids through). I finally cut her out of my life (blocked on my phone, all forms of social media and asked friends/family to stop sending me messages from her) after a big blow up falling out we had when she started attacking my fiance on Facebook over politics and threatening she was gonna get to me no matter what I blocked her on. Me standing up for myself came after YEARS of emotional and verbal abuse from her that I took laying down. Some of it was founded (ages 16-21 I was a spoiled brat, but I grew up out of it), but everything since comes from her feeling that she’s not loved equally by our parents. (And no, I am not the baby) She likes to remind me I will never be an adult in her eyes until I think like her, act like her and speak like her. So she tries to rip apart any parts of my life that may bring me any happiness. She would “report me” to my mother when I had her on Facebook, if I posted something she disagreed with. When I moved in with my fiance, she “reported it” to my mother, and my mom called me to let me know my sister had reported. She’s vile, jealous, and has a slew of mental issues. It’s taken years of therapy to get to the point where I am no longer sad I don’t have a sister, and I don’t need to “work through things” with her anymore. I am finally at a point where it “is what it is”.
I did try to reach out to her in March to some how create a “cease-fire”, but got no response.
My mother recently asked me to invite her to my bridal shower, which sent a shock into my spine. I planned to invite her to my wedding, but making sure she is sat with other family members FAR from me. However, I had hoped my bridal shower could have been for ME. I can understand my mother hating to see her two daughters have no relationship, but I am terrified my sister is going to ruin the day by bringing her poison with her. I was already on the fence about inviting her to my wedding, but am doing so for my mom.
I need help.
Post # 2
Your mental wellbeing is far more important than your mother’s alleged “broken heart.” At MOST, at the absolute very MOST, invite your sister as a guest only. She doesn’t belong at your wedding at all if everything you say is true, but maybe having her there as a guest will keep your mother quiet.
On the other hand, it sounds like you’re STILL taking all this shit without standing up for yourself. You have every right to keep abusive people out of your life AND out of your wedding. If your mother is also so vile that she doesn’t recognize abuse when she sees it or doesn’t care that her child is being abused by her other child (the hallmark of excellent parenting, no doubt), she needs a fucking wake-up call. Tell your mother where to go, grow a backbone, and keep abusive people out of your life.
Post # 3
Sorry bee I’m a little confused by your post, do you mean your mother is asking your permission to invite your sister to your bridal shower, or is she asking you to make her a bridesmaid?
Post # 4
If you’re old enough to get married, you’re old enough to stand up to your mommy and set boundaries.
Your mother’s heart will not “break”. She will be sad and disappointed because of course every parent wants their kids to get along (no one raises their children hoping they will be bitter estranged enemies) and then she will move on with her life. And you with yours.
You can live in the reality you got or you can continue building a fantasy world for your mommy, but you aren’t doing anyone any favors by building the fantasy world. The fantasy has to come crashing down at some point and it’s better done by you proactively by setting boundaries and saying no than let it crash and burn on its own out of your control.
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2020 - City, State
sapphire27 : sapphire27 : I’m sorry this isn’t clear! I meant to my Bridal shower. She’s not asking me for her to be a bridesmaid. I wrote this while fairly upset so it looks a bit jumblie.
Post # 6
The people in attendance at your wedding should be people that support you and want to celebrate your relationship.
Your sister has shown time and time again that she has zero interest in doing that, and in fact seems pretty set on terrorizing you and your fiance while meddling in your relationship. Why on earth would you invite that to your wedding?
Your mom will get over it. She doesn’t get to pretend happy family at your expense on your wedding day.
Post # 7
Do you think your sister would actually show up to the bridal shower/wedding if invited? If the answer is yes, then i would have a talk with your mom. One thing I’ve learned about weddings is that every family dynamic that hasn’t been dealt with in the past, will show up during the planning or wedding since weddings are usually such a emotionally charged event.
I would explain to your mom what you explained to us here. How your relationship with your sister is irreparable, and although you wish her the best, you can no longer have her in your life just to please your mom. As it is harmful to you.
I feel for you as my sister has been nothing but an abusive force in my life and I too have had to put up boundaries.
Post # 8
I would just tell my mother it wasn’t happening, personally. How she deals with her “broken heart” is her own business. Anyone who is so toxic they need to be completely cut out of your life is not someone to turn around and start inviting to the most important events of your partnered life.
Also- if your mother was receiving the reports from your sister and then asking you about things she’d shared rather than shutting down her behaviors, she’s a contributor to the toxicity.
Hold your boundaries. Do not invite your mother’s daughter and do not discuss it with her anymore. When you’re willing to discuss, it makes her think there’s a possibility. Since there’s no possibility, no need to talk about anything.
Post # 9
You aren’t setting and maintaining boundaries with your sister, until you are able to extend the same boundaries to your Mom.
You can tell your Mom that you appreciate that in her ideal word, you and your sister would be close, but that’s not the way it is in your real world. You can reassure her that you are prepared, that if anyone asks about her absence at your shower, to say that she couldn’t make it. That will be true. You don’t have to share the underlying reason- that she wasn’t invited.
Post # 10
I’d tell your mom a big NOPE and not entertain any more discussion on it.
Post # 11
Don’t have her at the shower or wedding. Save your sanity.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2020 - City, State
I really appreciate everyone’s two cents. Some of you seem to have much more of a backbone then I do. I think my best course of action will be to sit down and explain to my mother that I am not inviting my sister to the Bridal shower, but I will invite her to the wedding. I spoke to my Fiance last night in detail and he wishes I didn’t have to invite her to either one. He does undertand I don’t really have a choice on the wedding, but will support me and come sit with me as I try to explain to my mom about the bridal shower so I have a supportive force near me when I need it.
Post # 13
Well, I’m glad your fiance is supportive. However, stop making yourself a victim.
You have a choice. You always have a choice. No one is holding a gun to your head and forcing an invitation to your wedding. You are CHOOSING to invite her to avoid having to set boundaries with your mother or disappointing her. When you say “don’t really have a choice” you’re pushing the blame on others and making yourself a victim. The least you can do is take ownership of your choice. You are deciding that your mother’s feelings are more important than your own or the comfort of you and your fiance. Call it what it is and stop trying to deflect. You’re an adult. You have choices. It’s one of the great things about adulthood – being able to choose for yourself. And you’re choosing this. Own it. If you don’t like it, then choose differently.
Post # 14
You absolutely 100000% have a choice. You don’t send her an invitation. And if you feel so strongly, you can hire security to deny her entry if she is to show up on the day. You’re really making this much harder on yourself than you need to.
Post # 15
grapesaregood : Bee, i get it. Boundaries can be super hard to set, and it feels super crappy to have to confront someone about them because your prepared to get yelled at etc. But it is necessary in this case that you make your boundaries with your mom and sister crystal clear.
” Mom, I need you to accept the fact that sister and I are not in each other’s lives. The reason she is not in my life is based solely on her treatement of me. I am not willing to endure any more abuse from her and will not be inviting her to my bridal shower, wedding, or any other future event. I am choosing to put my happiness and well being first and will not be including her at the expense of my mental health and well being. My decision on this will never change and I need you to accept that. “
“Here are my boundaries. You will not be a go between between my sister and I. That means that any discussions you have with sister about me you will not repeat to me, or pass along to me. If you attempt to do that I will hang up the phone, leave the room, ignore messages about that topic. This is not something you can fix, or be involved in. I need you to understand that bringing us together is not helpful for me but hurtful. When you attempt to push us together you are hurting me. She hurt me. I needed therapy to recover. She is not in my life. She will not be in my life. “
Just really spell it out, then stick to your consequences. Your mom brings up your sister? ” This topic is not up for discussion, i am going to hang up now” She texts about your sister? you ignore. she emails? you ignore. Your out somewhere and she brings up your sister? ” This topic is not up for discussion, please stop or i will need to cut this visit short”
Don’t invite her to your wedding, or anything for that matter. Your boundary is a hard No to your sister. Not a well…she can come to this event but not that event in my life thing. Once you close the door for good it will be so much easier to keep that door closed. But if you let her come to the wedding, don’t be suprised if your mom wants her to come to your baby shower, etc. Plus think of it this way, its YOUR wedding day. Your feelings are more important than your mom’s sadness your sister isn’t there, or your sister’s feelings about not being there. Put yourself and your fiance first. Its a temporary discomfort having to tell your mom she can’t come, but that will pass and then your wedding day will be free from stress and hate. Totally worth it.