(Closed) sparing someone's feelings

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
8681 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Well I think you need to consider this from the grandmothers point of view. She raised your Fiance and now when the good stuff is happening and your Fiance no longer needs someone to emotionally and financially support him and raise him his mother strolls in and is given the role as “mum” and throwing in a gift that could be viewed by someone already upset as buying your FI’s love (offering to pay for the bar). This must be hurting her unbelievably and she herself probably hasn’t dealt with her feeling towards your FI’s mum and having to step up and raise her son for her.

And whilst you keep saying to her we love you etc etc your actions may be showing her an entirely different story. That she is replacable, that she isn’t your FI’s mother figure and that her daughter means more to your Fiance than her.

Honestly why doesn’t your Fiance talk to her. Thank her for taking him in and looking after him and how having her at his wedding would mean the world to him. And for him to open up about his birth mother and how he wants a relationship with her but doesn’t want to damage his relationship with her.

She is probably confused, hurt and feeling obsolete due to her daughter coming along and due to her age.



Post # 4
47 posts
  • Wedding: March 2014

Do you think perhaps she is suffering from early stages of dementia or Alzheimer’s? 

From http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Dementia_diagnosis_and_early_signs

“The early signs of dementia are very subtle and vague, and may not be immediately obvious. Early symptoms also vary a great deal. Usually, though, people first seem to notice that there is a problem with memory, particularly in remembering recent events.

Other common symptoms include:

  • Confusion
  • Personality change
  • Apathy and withdrawal
  • Loss of ability to do everyday tasks.

there’s more info at the link. I’m not a Dr but it looks like it might fit. Hopefully not. good luck.



Post # 5
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

The thing about forgetting your name also made me wonder about dementia. Many people show early signs by doing things that are very out of character for them. Not saying it necessarily is dementia, but it could be a possibility. 

Post # 8
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Wow your FI’s grandmother sounds like my Future Mother-In-Law…painful. I don’t have any advice because I need some myself to really know how to get around this.

My Future Mother-In-Law is incredibly needy and insecure. Guilt trips and evil comments constantly. Not to mention she is the most selfish person I know. Arh I finally had my mini rant.

Post # 9
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I second what pp’s said about dementia. I’ve had a handful of elderly relative who have had it, and it started slowly with them behaving oddly. I remember my sweet grandmother who was always so polite began saying very mean and hurtful things, making odd accusations. Might be something to look into.

But it really could also be that she is just having trouble dealing with the changes going on. I think it’s best to have your Fiance talk to her and try to get to the root of her feelings. 

Post # 10
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Out of curiosity, how old is this biological grandmother/adoptive mother?  I notice that the older my grandmother gets, the more sensitive, more emotional, more paranoid, more irrational, and more liable to fly off the handle she becomes.  We all have to walk on eggshells around her now.  The best advice I can offer you is to please be GENTLE with this woman and her feelings, whatever you do.  I know that her behavior is frustrating, but it’s something we all have to put up with when we have aging family members, especially when we owe them as much as your husband owes his biological grandmother/adoptive mother.  My grandmother didn’t raise me but I will do whatever it takes to keep her happy because I respect her immsenely and think that she deserves to enjoy her final years to the fullest.

However, even if age is not actually the issue here, I can still see her point of view.  She raised your husband and took care of him for all of these years.  She did everything for him that his biological mother SHOULD have done but DIDN’T, and now all of a sudden the biological mother is swooping in and trying to be the mother that his grandmother already was. Even if the biological mother’s been in the picture now for the past four or five years, that’s still a pretty recent thing and isn’t equal to all of the years that your husband was growing up being raised by his adoptive mother.  I know that your husband wants to acknowledge them both equally, but his biological grandmother IS his MOTHER and she deserves ALL of the credit for that–she shouldn’t have to share that with anyone else just because the biological mother suddenly decided to start playing the mother role after all of these years.  It’s like any other adoptive parent, really.  They consider themselves to be the actual parents of the children they raise, and rightfully so.  Many of them get very hurt when/if the biological parents ever show up and start trying to take over the parent role.  I think your husband needs to have a very long talk with his biological grandmother/adoptive mother explaining to her that he wants to build a relationship with his biological mother but that SHE (the grandmother) is his mother and that no one can ever take her place.  I think he should also offer to do whatever it takes to make her happy.

PS: I notice you keep referring to your husband’s biological mother as “his real mother” and “his mom” but those titles don’t belong to HER–they both belong to his biological grandmother/adoptive mother because SHE’S the one who raised him, and that’s what a real mother/mom does.  His biological mother is exactly that.  Anyone can be a biological parent to a child but only a real parent takes care of one!  The second best piece of advice I can offer you here is to stop thinking of the biological grandmother/adoptive mother as “his grandma” and start thinking of her as his mom because that’s exactly what she is and the very notion of being considered his grandma obviously offends her greatly.

Post # 11
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

I agree with @moonlightrose, especially her PS. I think while she may be overreacting you both maybe need to calm down and see it from her POV, she raised him, not his bio mother and now she gets the glory of a wedding when she didn’t have a hand in raising the man your Fiance has become. You should put all names on the invite or none, just because his mom isn’t helping pay doesn’t mean she doesn’t have every right to be on the invite since she is his mom. I would leave all names off then in the program thank all parents for their love and support over the years.

Maybe you can get his mom (grandma) a special gift now and tell her you didn’t want to wait until the wedding and wanted to let her know how much you both appreciate her, I think something like this is very nice, I really think she just fears being left out or pushed aside now that his bio mom is in the picture and she’ll be seen as grandma when she is really his Mom!


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