(Closed) Spending money in your relationships…

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think for your case you may want to an agreed amount you can each spend each month that you spend on yourselves without the need to discuss it with someone else.  This can cover hobbies, lunch out, coffees, etc. Something that fits your budget. $30-$100 maybe?

This monthly allotment can cover anything you want, but if its not enough for clothes you can even create a seperate yearly “bonus” to cover new clothes.

Post # 5
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@Jw1724:  The fact that you’ve added things about him not having a tonne of close friends makes me wonder, do you think that this is a way of stopping you from seeing them? I could be way off base there, but it sounds a little controlling.

My Fiance and I have different spending habits. I’m a saver in general, and Fiance tries really hard to be a saver but ends up spending more money than me on lunches etc. I’ve learned that yes it’s a bit annoying that an extra $50 a week dissappears, but he’s always been up front about spending money even though we’re trying to save. 

If it were me, I would tell him that I wasn’t going to stop seeing friends for lunches etc…but would try to go out for more coffee’s instead of lunch. I don’t think I would be ok with him giving me hard and fast rules about my spending habits. 

Post # 6
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

We have a similar situation. We have just bought a house and frequently get into arguments about ideas that I have which aren’t expensive, but aren’t free for the house and are still just ideas. We had to sit down, make a very detailed budget and decided where the money goes and how much we each have of our own money to do with as we please. I think it’s important to talk about it so the rules are known and fair. 

Post # 7
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee

My fiance and I set up a budget TOGETHER. (200 a week for BOTH of us). Im more of a stickler than he is. I dont tell him what he can spend on his own (feel like Im a mother) but that being said I mention that we spent too much on groceries and we only have a bit left, he gets the hint and cuts back on spending money.

Maybe that would be an easy transition before you completely share everything money wise??

Post # 9
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Jw1724:  This is crazy as far as I am concerned. Fiance and I never hide anything money related from each other and he has told me many many times that I can have anything my heart desires as long as we can reasonably afford it. This nickel and diming over lunches with your friends seems controlling to me and reminds me a lot of my horrible ex. I could not be in a relationship with this kind of dynamic going on. 

Post # 12
Member
4035 posts
Honey bee

@Jw1724:  It seems like you both need to sit down and talk about finances. Set a budget that you BOTH agree on and stick to it. You two should discuss a “social” budget as well, which would include eating out, going out with friends, etc. Financial disagreements are often a leading cause of divorce/breaking up, so I would get your finances/philosophies in order before you get married.

Post # 13
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@Jw1724:  It seems reasonable to ask you not to spend as much money, but the controlling aspect is a little worrying.

Maybe have more dinners with your group of friends together?

To me it seems like he’s jealous, and using the house as an excuse. Yes it’s a valid excuse, but it sounds like it wouldn’t be an issue if he wasnt jealous. 

Post # 15
Member
904 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

It does seem unhealthy – it’s not fair that he gets on your case about discretionary spending but then goes and does it himself.

My Fiance and I have a system that works very well for us.  Every two weeks, on payday, we each put a set amount of our paychecks into a joint checking account that is only used for shared household expenses like rent, utilities, the car, groceries, and any entertainment that we participate in as a couple.  I have a pretty good budget worked out for our monthly joint expenses, so this set amount doesn’t change from month to month.  It’s $400 per person per paycheck, boom.  Easy to plan for when payday rolls around.

Whatever is left over after that is ours to do with as we may – I have student loans and credit card payments to make, which eats up most of my money, but I do leave myself $50 per paycheck as “fun” money (although I’ll spend it on whatever I need to, even if it’s not necessarily “fun”).  That money is NOT coming out of our joint account, so my purchases aren’t something I have to run by my Fiance.  It’s the same with his money.  

I don’t what your account situation is (just one joint account, or a joint account plus individual accounts), but I personally think it’s a good idea for each person to have their own money to do with as they may, and it’s easier when it’s not just a chunk of money that’s still within your joint account, because then you can “go over” into the joint balance.  Consider setting up two individual accounts with the same bank as your joint account, and then determine a reasonable “allowance” for each person (per month, per week, whatever).  It should probably be the same amount for the two of you, unless your needs differ significantly (just talk it over).  Then, you don’t have to worry about anybody getting bent out of shape over individual purchases made with shared money.

Post # 16
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

FH is a really good saver and he’s been used to that for ages.  I’m not, but I’m learning.  We joined our earnings not long after we got engaged, and it soon became clear that I was struggling!  So we have it set up that I have $50 a fortnight of “splurge money” that I can do whatever I want with and don’t have to justify.  It works really well, I’m less paranoid, he’s less paranoid, and I’ve really turned a corner.  I reckon this sort of thing would work for you guys.  Saving is good, but you need to be able to let loose a little too!

The pizza thing… reminds me of my friends who got married in Nov.  Husband still won’t get around to joining their accounts, they’ve got a ton of debt (let’s just say they had a honeymoon disaster with no travel insurance) and she struggles to have enough $$ to buy clothes for himself, yet he thinks nothing of spending $1000s on sneakers (obsession of his), ice hocket gear (in Australia!) etc.  Oh, and let’s not mention the $10,000 Tiffany ring bought in NY when they barely had any savings – it went on the credit card.  She’s just so frustrated that he can’t seem to see what’s going wrong there!

 

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