(Closed) spending most nights alone

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Thats how this week went for me. I work normal business hours (8-430 but I’m usually there till 5) and I have a 45 minute commute. Fiance works retail and his boss usually schedules him at night because he is a night person and good at closing. Tomorrow is the first evening he will be home when I get home. Its worse right now because of the holidays. Usually he works weekends (when I’m off) and one or two nights per week. I have no advice. Although he does appreciate it when I cook when we’re both home for dinner, and I know he has rearranged plans to be home for dinner because he knows I will cook.

Could your husband try working 10-6 instead? He should be able to avoid the bad commuting times that way and be home at a somewhat decent hour.

Post # 4
Member
11419 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Aww. I’m sorry that you are going through this.  I just wanted to say that I can relate a bit to how you feel.

For almost the entire first year of my marriage, I had to split my time between my city/state and DH’s fmall, rural town/state several hours away until I could sell my house (which had been on the market for eight months prior to our wedding) in a bad real-estate market, resign my corporate position, and permanently relocate to be with Darling Husband and my stepchildren.

Not only did I have to live with not being with my Darling Husband several days and nights each week, I also had to share him with my stepchildren for much of the time that I was able to be with him.  Beyond that, my Darling Husband is a pastor who works a great deal of nearly every weekend.  He also has a lot of evening meetings and activities.

For about the first year and a half of our marriage, I was pretty really upset that I had completely turned my life upside down to make all of these enormous changes to be with him, but the reality of his schedule meant that, although I was now a married woman, I still spent most of my time alone or with Darling Husband in a group setting.

This placed a significant strain on our relationship.  To make matters worse, I am a morning person, while Darling Husband is a night person.  On the two days each week that I teleworked from his house, I had to be at my desk and online/on the phone early in the morning.  Darling Husband, on the other hand, prefers to stay up quite late and then sleep in whenever he doesn’t have a morning meeting.

In many ways, our schedules, life circumstances, and biorhythms were a train wreck waiting to happen.  Thankfully, now that we live together full time, and we’ve been married for more than three years, and we’ve had the benefit of some good counseling, we’ve learned more about how to be sensitive to each other’s feelings and to try to create opportunities to spend time together.

Post # 6
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@bestbuddies:  You treat him better than I would. Fiance only gets the home cooked meals if he is home to eat them with me. Its too much work for me to make a meal if I’m eating it by myself. Sometimes I make extra (when he’s around for dinner) so that we have leftovers for lunch the next day but that doesn’t happen too often. Food tends to go bad in our fridge so I only cook extra when I know I can bring it to work the next day (due to the nature of my job I often have to eat out or eat on location where there is no microwave and I hate cold food).

Post # 8
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I am in the same boat. I get home, then FH gets home around 2-4 hours later. So I usually eat dinner by myself, watch TV, do the chores, etc. I like the me time, but sometimes it would be nice to have an adult to talk to! I don’t have friends in this city, so I literally spend most of my time by myself.

Could your FH pick a different commute, like 6-6? I think the only thing that will change is if he aligns his hours with yours. Or could you move closer so your commutes are not so long?

Post # 11
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@bestbuddies: Does his schedule have to be regular? Like, could he work earlier two days a week so you can have quality time together in the evening? Date night, or something like that? I understand being a night owl, but you also need to spend quality time together. This might be a good compromise. 

Post # 13
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@bestbuddies: 🙁 I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t know what to suggest, aside from being clearer on how much this hurts you, and maybe rather than leaving it “up” to him, agreeing on at least one regular day a week where he goes in early and where you set a long-standing date night. 

Post # 14
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@bestbuddies:  My FH works 60+ hour weeks and he has a longer commute than me. Thankfully we have our own cars. That would absolutely drive me nuts to be stuck home alone. (or course, this is Ohio so public transportation is pretty useless here).

Sometimes FH and I do get to have breakfast together. He does kinda make his own schedule, as in, he could leave earlier (and actually would miss alot of traffic, so he would save time) and get home earlier too, but doesn’t.

I hope you feel better soon! that is when I hate being home the most, alone, when I just want some damn chicken soup. take care of yourself!

Post # 15
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My hubby works 12 hr shifts with an hr commute each way. Lately hes been working nights and I work 9-5 so I don’t even get to see him for days. While working days I see him maybe am hour before we need to go to bed so he can get up. It sucks!

Post # 16
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@bestbuddies:  for the car issue, does your city have zip cars? that could at least alleviate the issue that you get stuck at home–you pay a low annual fee, and then can borrow a car for short intervals for like $10/hour. we use it in nyc for things like going to ikea or visiting friends who live far away from the subway, etc. carrying groceries on the bus sucks, i feel you on that!

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