(Closed) spending most nights alone

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 1
Member
5982 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

Am I the only wife who spends every evening alone at home? DH is a programmer and can set his own schedule. because of crazy traffic during peak hours, he has chosen a late shift (like noon-8). His commute is around an hour on off peak hours so I totally get it (I mean, my commute is between 1-2hours depending on traffic). So I get up at 6am and get home around 6pm. i wake up and he is asleep and I come home to an empty house and I go to bed alone (although if he is home when I go to bed he does “tuck me in” :D). He gets home around 9pm but sometimes later so he goes to bed really late. Sometimes I fall asleep before he even gets home. I eat dinner alone, I watch TV alone, I do all chores alone. I spend most of my time home alone. It makes me pretty sad a lot of time. But at the same time I kind of enjoy alone time, just wish it wasnt so frequent. I do go to dinner with girl friends, meet friends at the gym, and I am getting my MBA at night so it is really only a few nights a week I come strait home after work and am home alone. but, it is still lonely. We really only see eachother on the weekends. And still, on the weekends I like to watch TV during downtime and he is on the other side of the house in his office working. 

i mean, we do spend time together. we go on weekend getaways and group dates and date nights and things. but, we are never really just around each other doing daily things. plus, its lonely eating alone all the time. Yes, i have explained all of this to him which is why he takes me on weekend getaways, etc. It has been like this since we moved to the city (2 years) and Iknow it isnt going to change. I guess I just want to vent and maybe hear from other ladies in the same position.

I am sick right now and am taking care of myself and he isnt here at all to help me. He slept all up until he went to work. It would just be nice to be comforted whiel I am sick or have someone here to get me water or warm up my soup or whatever. you know, do husbandly things. Its like I live alone a lot of times….

When I told hiim that today, he said he didnt want to get sick since I am contagious and wants to stay clear of my germs. I mean, I get it. But I take care of him when he is sick. I “take the chance”, I guess i am just sad right now. I just feel lonely

Post # 3
Member
4346 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Thats how this week went for me. I work normal business hours (8-430 but I’m usually there till 5) and I have a 45 minute commute. Fiance works retail and his boss usually schedules him at night because he is a night person and good at closing. Tomorrow is the first evening he will be home when I get home. Its worse right now because of the holidays. Usually he works weekends (when I’m off) and one or two nights per week. I have no advice. Although he does appreciate it when I cook when we’re both home for dinner, and I know he has rearranged plans to be home for dinner because he knows I will cook.

Could your husband try working 10-6 instead? He should be able to avoid the bad commuting times that way and be home at a somewhat decent hour.

Post # 4
Member
11533 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Aww. I’m sorry that you are going through this.  I just wanted to say that I can relate a bit to how you feel.

For almost the entire first year of my marriage, I had to split my time between my city/state and DH’s fmall, rural town/state several hours away until I could sell my house (which had been on the market for eight months prior to our wedding) in a bad real-estate market, resign my corporate position, and permanently relocate to be with DH and my stepchildren.

Not only did I have to live with not being with my DH several days and nights each week, I also had to share him with my stepchildren for much of the time that I was able to be with him.  Beyond that, my DH is a pastor who works a great deal of nearly every weekend.  He also has a lot of evening meetings and activities.

For about the first year and a half of our marriage, I was pretty really upset that I had completely turned my life upside down to make all of these enormous changes to be with him, but the reality of his schedule meant that, although I was now a married woman, I still spent most of my time alone or with DH in a group setting.

This placed a significant strain on our relationship.  To make matters worse, I am a morning person, while DH is a night person.  On the two days each week that I teleworked from his house, I had to be at my desk and online/on the phone early in the morning.  DH, on the other hand, prefers to stay up quite late and then sleep in whenever he doesn’t have a morning meeting.

In many ways, our schedules, life circumstances, and biorhythms were a train wreck waiting to happen.  Thankfully, now that we live together full time, and we’ve been married for more than three years, and we’ve had the benefit of some good counseling, we’ve learned more about how to be sensitive to each other’s feelings and to try to create opportunities to spend time together.

Post # 5
Member
5982 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

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@asscherlover:  sorry you have to deal with something similar. Oh, I cook a homemade dinner every night with the except of thursdays (night class) and if I meet up with friends (but I will bring him home a meal). Also, on thursdays I usually have a premade meal for him in the fridge. He wont do 10-6 because he is a crazy night owl and seriously has issues going to sleep and getting up at 830 to be at work is too hard for him. You would think an adult could adjust be he just cannot. I have tried. I have tried calling him 10 times in the AM to make sure he gets up, etc. It doesnt work. he sleeps until his body is ready to wake up and he fights sleep at night. Now, he has worked a 8-5 job before and he does it but I think because his boss lets him work whatever time he wants and isnt required to be there at a certain time he just does whatever. 

Post # 6
Member
4346 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@bestbuddies:  You treat him better than I would. Fiance only gets the home cooked meals if he is home to eat them with me. Its too much work for me to make a meal if I’m eating it by myself. Sometimes I make extra (when he’s around for dinner) so that we have leftovers for lunch the next day but that doesn’t happen too often. Food tends to go bad in our fridge so I only cook extra when I know I can bring it to work the next day (due to the nature of my job I often have to eat out or eat on location where there is no microwave and I hate cold food).

Post # 7
Member
5982 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

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@Brielle:  oh wow, that situation sounds like it was pretty stressful. I am glad to hear that you guys were able to get it to work after some time. you are one amazing person for going through that! I cannot imagine how difficult that was. DH is also a night person and I am a morning person. I guess the hardest thing for me is that if he really wanted to, he could be home in time for dinner and be here with me. but, he chooses to stay up late and sleep in and go to work late, etc. I have expressed this to him several times. He gets upset and says it isnt his fault that he is more productive at night, etc. I take it personal though, he chooses to have a certain schedule that isnt neccessary and that schedule means that I am home alone every night. Its very upsetting and even worse that he feels that my concerns are selfish. I dont think it is selfish to not to want to be home alone every night and spend quality time with my husband. especially when it would only take him getting up before 11am to make it happen…

Post # 8
Member
4044 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I am in the same boat. I get home, then FH gets home around 2-4 hours later. So I usually eat dinner by myself, watch TV, do the chores, etc. I like the me time, but sometimes it would be nice to have an adult to talk to! I don’t have friends in this city, so I literally spend most of my time by myself.

Could your FH pick a different commute, like 6-6? I think the only thing that will change is if he aligns his hours with yours. Or could you move closer so your commutes are not so long?

Post # 9
Member
5982 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

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@asscherlover:  If I did that, I would never get a home cooked meal and DH would spend hundreds of dollars going out to lunch (he goes to expensive places for lunch like sushi and he orders a lot of food). 

Post # 10
Member
5982 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

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@kerensa:  why does your SO have such a different schedule? That is tough, sometimes going out with the gals every once in a while is the only thing keeping me sane. but, honestly, it gets less and less frequent when the weather gets bad. So it doesnt happen much this time of year. yes, DH could easily adjust his schedule, he chooses not to but he is a night time person. so he chooses to work a later shift. It is really like a kick in the gut to me. you would rather get to sleep in a few hours then spent a few hours with me every day. 🙁 I would feel different if it was out of his control and his work required that shift or whatever, but he can work whatever shift he wants to at his job. like right now, its 930 and he is just now on his way home. and I am sick. I would think he would want to try to work a decent schedule so he could make sure I am ok and eating and drinking etc. but, no, he slept until noon and got up and left strait for work. I needed him to go to the store and get me some things but I didnt even bother to ask beecause he was runnign so late. he didnt ask either. He took the ‘breakfast” i made for him hours earlier, the lunch I made fo rhim and headed out the door. yeah, you heard that right, i am the one who is sick yet I made him breakfast and lunch and got up at 8am yet he sleep in til noon? He did ask if I needed him to bring anything home and I requested some emergen-c. I really hope he remembers it.

oh and another thing I forgot to mention. I am not only stuck home alone but stuck home alone with out a car. yup, we only have one car and DH has to drive it because he works in the suburbs. I wokr in the city and take public transportation. so, yeah, I could take the bus or whatever if I need to go anywhere but sometimes when I get home the last thing i want to do is catch a bus to go to the grocery store or whatever. so not only does his schedule leave me home alone it make it very difficult to go do some chores like grocery shopping and things. 

 

Gosh, I kinda just realized how shitty I feel he is treating me rght now. I quickly went from sad to mad.

Post # 11
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@bestbuddies: Does his schedule have to be regular? Like, could he work earlier two days a week so you can have quality time together in the evening? Date night, or something like that? I understand being a night owl, but you also need to spend quality time together. This might be a good compromise. 

Post # 12
Member
5982 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

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@pookiesmom:  yes, I tried this as well before. he says he tries but it just never happens. I even remind him sometimes that its important to me and ask if he could do an early shift once this week so we can spend some time togher but he says it is too hard to wokr a late shift one night and then an early shift the next. but, if there is a meetup with friends or whatever (which isnt often at all) he sure can wake up early and get in early to leave early. I tink it comes back to that old saying “if it is important to you, you will make time for it”. and aparently spending time with me at night is not important to him, so he doesnt do it.

Post # 13
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@bestbuddies: 🙁 I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t know what to suggest, aside from being clearer on how much this hurts you, and maybe rather than leaving it “up” to him, agreeing on at least one regular day a week where he goes in early and where you set a long-standing date night. 

Post # 14
Member
4044 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@bestbuddies:  My FH works 60+ hour weeks and he has a longer commute than me. Thankfully we have our own cars. That would absolutely drive me nuts to be stuck home alone. (or course, this is Ohio so public transportation is pretty useless here).

Sometimes FH and I do get to have breakfast together. He does kinda make his own schedule, as in, he could leave earlier (and actually would miss alot of traffic, so he would save time) and get home earlier too, but doesn’t.

I hope you feel better soon! that is when I hate being home the most, alone, when I just want some damn chicken soup. take care of yourself!

Post # 15
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My hubby works 12 hr shifts with an hr commute each way. Lately hes been working nights and I work 9-5 so I don’t even get to see him for days. While working days I see him maybe am hour before we need to go to bed so he can get up. It sucks!

Post # 16
Member
2467 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

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@bestbuddies:  for the car issue, does your city have zip cars? that could at least alleviate the issue that you get stuck at home–you pay a low annual fee, and then can borrow a car for short intervals for like $10/hour. we use it in nyc for things like going to ikea or visiting friends who live far away from the subway, etc. carrying groceries on the bus sucks, i feel you on that!

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