(Closed) Spending part of Christmas break apart at our respective parents homes

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I think it’s very odd that as a married couple you would spend any part of the holiday separate.

When you get married, it ceases to be ‘his family’ and ‘your family’. The two of you are your OWN family and you should be together, no matter where you are.

I would be concerned if my husband was allowing his family to disparage me or my family in front of us. If your husband hears talk like that coming from his own family, he needs to step up, be a man, and shut that shit down immediately.

It’s his job to let his parents know that YOU are his family now, and that disrespect to you is disrespect to him, and won’t be tolerated.

Post # 5
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

@carolsdaughter:  Maybe your Fiance should just spend most of the holiday at your family’s place with you instead? And then you guys could go visit his family on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day.

Maybe once his parents figure out that he’s not gonna put up with their crap, and if they want to see their son much, they’ll learn to shut their mouths.

Post # 6
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

First of all if you have issue of disrespect you need to work with your inlaws it should be done so everyone can enjoy the hollidays. Are you relaying on second hand information(may be wrong but based on what you said) not right now but if they are doing things that are blatenetly rude then it needs to address and boundaries need to be set on all sides.

Again if it’s impression you get and she nice to your face, while the situation isn’t ideal, I would just be nice to their face and limit contact on non holidays rather then get into an out fight. If she is being cordial and respectful in person no matter how hypocritical you may think it is, I think it’s better then to be feuding.

 

Third I think it’s unfair to your husband to flip the script like that, you agreed to something, and if his parents are nice to your face and not hostile I think for him you should make an effort. Even if you he loves your parents he probably prefers to be with his family members. When we get married it’s a sacrifice we make as couples to spend time together. I think go this year. Next you guy can set limits on how many days you spend there. You can also take breaks. So like on the 26 go for a walk, go to lunch, or the movies. So you get out of the house for a few hours.

Good luck.

Post # 8
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@carolsdaughter:  I think this situation is a fantastic opportunity for you; as hard as that is to imagine. We are always going to have people in our lives that behave in awful and disrespectful ways. I speak from experience when I say that you can change how you deal with them just by making small mental/internal changes to yourself.

When you accept and make peace with the fact that they are hideous people and you decide not to take their awful remarks personally anymore you will be able to cope with anything they throw at you.

And more importantly, bide your time because people like this self destruct without any help from anyone around them. You be the bigger person and rise above them.

Go with your husband to their house for the holidays, don’t allow them to seperate you both – that is probably exactly what they want.

Post # 10
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

There is always an option, and those suggesting to be the bigger person must be nicer than I am. I put up with my IL’s for 10 years of similar ‘torture’ but finally had enough and refused to go to anything at their home. My husband was welcome to go without me, and he tried it a few times, taking our kids along. He came back miserable every time, and finally decided to stop going to see them altogether, as it became really uncomfortable for him as well.

How many years is really enough anyway? 10? 20? I had my limit, and knowing things would never change, threw in the towel. We all survived and were happier for it.

Post # 11
Member
7673 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@carolsdaughter: Sorry but I think you need to keep your end of the bargain now. You said it would be Thankgiving with your parents and Xmas (mainly) with his, so now you should follow through and do that. Otherwise there’s evem more fuel for them to gossip. And don’t split up either, I think you should do all visits as a couple.

Yes Christmas is sometimes hard on me too (my parents are divorced so there are 3 visits to do). But I just figure that’s how life is, and then we have a big relax after!

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