(Closed) Spin off: Are you the platonic female friend?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Yes, I am the platonic female friend! One of my best friends is a male whom I’ve known for almost 10 years. We met when we were in college and we worked together, we were also both single at the time. We had a lot of common interests and became close friends pretty quickly. 

Many people find it very hard to believe, but to this day there has never been anything romantic between us and there is no “sexual tension.” We had very open conversations about this from the begininng. Neither of us was interested in the other romantically and that hasn’t changed. He even lived with me and shared my room for about a month when he was between leases. No physical boundaries were ever crossed.

As far as SOs go, both of us have had several throughout our friendship. Neither of us has ever had a problem in that area. We spend a lot of time together so our SOs usually met either him or me early on and we made it clear how important our friendship was. I have always made a very conscious effort to befriend his SO and he has done the same. Curently, he is married and I am engaged. His now wife actually asked me to be a bridesmaid in their wedding…her and I have become great friends as well and she is respectful of our friendship and it’s significance. My fiance also gets along great with my friend and respects our friendship. I think the biggest factor is that all parties involved have made a genuine effort to befriend each other and make each other feel comfortable. This includes me spending time with his wife, just the two of us. 

I absolutely agree that since we have both been in serious relationships and have started familes, that has become a priority over our friendship. We definitely don’t spend as much time together.

All in all, it’s possible but I acknowledge that it rare. I feel very lucky to have a best friend of the opposite sex. Sometimes you just need a guy’s advice and perspective!

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by  brsalinas.
Post # 47
Member
4240 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I have a close male friend that is TRULY platonic.  I asked my husband once if he thought it was a “threat” to our marriage and he said “No, I more find it amusing because you guys are ridiculous”.  As in we go off on tangents, we have crazy inside jokes, and last year I probably spent more time with my friend than with my then-fiance (we were also living an hour apart at the time too).  Still, just because he has a penis and I have a vagina doesn’t mean we are electrically charged and insanely attracted to each other…  We have really great FRIEND chemistry.  We get each other.  I know I am one of his closest friends and he remains one of my close friends too.  I just find it so amusing how so many people on here think platonic friendships aren’t at all possible…

Post # 48
Member
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I have platonic male friends, but no close ones, for two reasons. I had two close male friends while I was married to my ex – they were my friends first, then became friends with my ex, but I spoke to them more often and hung out with them without him. When they found out we were separating, without even asking my side of things or talking to me about it, they immediately stopped speaking to me. These were guys I considered very close friends, shared tough times in their lives, helped them with their problems and they couldn’t even give me the courtesy of asking me what happened, they just listened to my ex slag me off, and because I refused to talk shit about him they assumed it was all my fault. I was really hurt by that and haven’t made any really close male friends since.

The other reason is that I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I’m a jealous person and I would go right off the planet if Fiance had very close female friends (yes, I’m aware this is unreasonable) so I can’t expect him to be OK with something that I would not be. 

Post # 49
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I have about 10 people I would consider my closest friends. 7 of them are guys. From the end of high school and through university age years, my guy friends were my only best friends (the girls came later). 

Now, I have to admit that I DID end up dating one for about 8 months – but neither of us would EVER have gone there if we weren’t both single. On top of that – the relationship didn’t work because we just weren’t compatible as a couple. We were great as best friends though! We stayed close  (after a cool-off period) and he ended up being one of two of my best guy friends who my husband had in his wedding party! 🙂

Things I did to make my best friends’ girlfriends comfortable:

1) I encouraged their inclusion in everything, if they couldn’t make it to a group event, I’d reach out to them and tell them they were missed

2) I would still hug my boys, but always in front of their ladies so they could SEE that it was platonic! I honestly love those guys, but they are family – I don’t wanna sex them. 

3) I would make an active effort to engage them when they were around – no making them feel like they are the outsider. If I noticed they were being a bit quiet or looked uncomfortable, I’d sit close and talk to them one-on-one (rather than yelling “how’s it going?” across a table in an impersonal way).

4) If it was early in the relationship, I’d try not to post photos of just me and my friend. I’d actively try to include their Girlfriend in the photo.

It clearly worked pretty well, as 5/7 of these guys are now married, and I hang out with them & their wives all the time! I get invited to all the “girls” things, and my friends threw me a co-ed bachelorette party!! All the guys were AWESOME SPORTS and actually played all the silly games, like pin the penis on the model, hahaha.

Post # 50
Hostess
1709 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

My best friend for the past 8 years is a guy. We’ve both been single and in various relationships during our friendship but have remained strictly platonic though the years. 

I know that some of our partners have been a little jealous, but his more than mine. We don’t live in the same city but we talk on the phone or on google chat nearly every day. His current gf and I get along really well – she even sent me a “galentine” care package. DH thinks he’s great and is glad that I have a supportive, close friend I can bounce my crazy off. 

Earlier in our friendship, although we never have had a romantic or even sexual, relationship, we were less careful about boundaries.  like if one of us visited the other, we would sleep in the same bed. Now that I’m an old married lady, I wouldn’t do that. Not because I think we would fool around, but because I’m aware of how it might look to our partners and I wouldn’t want to do anything to make either of them feel uneasy about our friendship.

Post # 51
Member
3164 posts
Sugar bee

Yes I am. 

There isn’t anything that our partners *couldn’t* turn up at, but they aren’t at every event. When their partners are there I make an effort to chat to them and get to know them in their own right, just as they do with my partner. This is the same as I would for a friends male partner, although I guess maybe I am a little more consious of their girlfriends and wives disliking me and so hold back a little more. At the end of the day though I can’t control whether they are comfortable with the situation.

What can they do? Not assume I want to bone my friend! Just because you find your partner attractive doesn’t mean everyone else does, and particularly not when they are my dude friends (who I think of like brothers). I have been getting bad vibes from one of their fiances the last couple of times we caught up, she’s been bringing up their sex life in a weirdly territorial way to the point where people are noticing, and it only makes for awkward conversations and reflects poorly on her. Oh well. 

Post # 52
Member
9163 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I don’t categorise my friends, they are just friends and I don’t refer to them as my male friend or my gay friend etc etc. A friend is a friend, their gender/sexuality/race does not come into it. 

I guess I need to ask if you don’t go out of your way to make your female friends SO’s more comfortable then why do you need to make your male friends SO’s more comfortable? That is some stereotypical bs right there. So just because you are the opposite sex friend it is your duty to pander to someone else’s insecurities and play into stereotypes?

Post # 53
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

One of my closest friends is a man. He is 40 and I am 25. We have a purley platonic relationship! We met at Comic Con where I was cosplaying and he is a photographer. We scheduled a few shoots together and we just get along so well, we talk to eachother about everything, pretty much everyday… It felt weird to not invite him to my hens night haha!

Post # 54
Member
42 posts
Newbee

I am a platonic friend to two men, one is married one is engaged to be married. some things I do to make my friends SO feel more comfortable are:

I am never alone with my friend. If either friend invited me somewhere I would go but also invite another mutual friend to come along. Even if I need to talk really badly I won’t go see them alone. I will call them if I need to talk. 

I also give the girl my number text her occasionally, tag her in funny posts I find and send her coupons I think she’ll use, anything to show that I think about her too and want to be helpful to her. 

I bring my boyfriend around a lot. But before I had a boyfriend I would talk about other men and act a little less ladylike In front of my friend. Haha

 

I also am conscious about what I wear if I know I’m going to see either of my friends. Not extreme but just practice a little more modesty than normal if I know I’ll be spending the day with them. This is because of a past experience though. One day I was wearing a shorter dress than normal because it was hot and the subject came up in our group of what our SO’s preferred (boob men butt men leg men) and my friend’s SO stated that my friend was a leg man and then turned to me and said, “yeah I catch him looking at your legs sometimes” and my heart dropped. It was such an awkward situation that I could do nothing about so I try not to let that ever happen again. 

I try to be as respectful as I can because I know how it feels to be the SO as well so I treat my friends SO’s the way I would want to be treaTed. I am so against cheating or teasing and I would be very upset if a friends SO didnt trust me. I try as much as i can to include them in our friendship and do my best to support their relationship. I think boundaries absolutely have to change when your friend gets a gf or SO. If a platonic friend is really platonic she will want what’s best for her friend and love the SO that makes her friend happy. Some things the SO can do to make me feel comfortable is to just be nice and make an effort to be my friend as well. I would love if she were able to see our friendship as a positive thing instead of being wary about it. I would love to be seen as an ally as opposed to a threat. However that being said I know that I am not like all claimed “friends” my advice would be to get to know the platonic friend. See where her heart is and trust your instincts. 

Post # 55
Member
8983 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
deedee2016:  I have been the platonic female friend and really….they were platonic. Both of those friendships have faded though since their SO’s couldn’t handle the thought of a platonic female friend and it makes me super sad because I miss my friends! It’s also hard to try and do anything to make the girlfriend feel better because if she’s jealous and insecure I don’t know how to fix that for them. 

Post # 56
Member
3164 posts
Sugar bee

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j_jaye:  You said what I was wanting to much more succinctly than I did. This is what I was trying to get at though – I respect all of my friends r’ships and partners, not just my straight guy friends

Post # 57
Member
6968 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I am! But I’m not just the platonic female friend. I am the best friend. And we truly are BEST friends. He was the Man of Honor in my wedding! My husband also gets along really well with him and thinks he’s a great guy. He’s never been jealous or worried about our friendship. He knows how much my best friend means to me. When we started dating it was one of the first things I discussed with him actually. I told him that #1 – my best friend is a guy, #2 – that’s not going to change, #3 – yes we DID have a “relationship” when we were sophomores in high school for about 3 months (this was 15 years ago at that time) but now we’re more like brother and sister, and #4 – if you have a problem with any of that then you can’t be with me. And he didn’t have a problem and that was that. I’m sure a lot of what we do would be crossing boundaries in your opinions, but that’s our relationship and it works for us. We hang out alone together all the time. I’ve spent the night at his house (on the couch) because we have been out and I had too much to drink. We’ve even gone away on vacation together and shared a hotel room (separate beds). And yes, my husband is invited to most of these events too but usually chooses to stay home and play video games. However there are some things where he’s NOT invited. Like, when my best friend’s dad died this summer. He was very upset and wanted to talk. But he wanted to just talk to ME. I’m sure all this sounds weird to a lot of you but for us it’s totally normal. Also, for basically my whole relationship with my husband, this friend has been single. So it’s not that my husband just doesn’t feel threatened because this guy is with someone else. He truly just isn’t threatened by him at all (nor should he be).

For me it really comes down to a trust issue. I trust my husband and my husband trusts me. There’s this one woman that my husband is friends with (not best friends at all, just friends) that everyone has told me since the beginning not to trust her, that she’s the type of person that likes to go after attached guys. Well I guess I can see what they’re talking about. We’re actually friends too but not very close at all. Anyway, she asked my husband to come over one night to fix something of hers (he’s an electrician so friends are always asking him for help). Did I stop him from going? Nope. Because even if her whole plan was to get him alone and seduce him or whatever, I trusted him and knew he would never do anything.

Post # 58
Hostess
4458 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I have one close, platonic (straight) male friend. His girlfriends have had issues with me in the past just because I exist, so usually I make sure to get to know them so that they know I’m not a threat. I’ve been in a relationship with my Fiance the whole time I’ve known this friend (nearly a decade) and it still seems to be an issue for some of the women he’s dated. I think that opposite friendships can definitely work as long as everyone is honest and there are boundaries. My Fiance used to be concerned about me being good friends with a dude, but they get along fine now and he doesn’t care if I go hang out with him on my own.

ETA: We’ve never dated or hooked up or anything so it’s truly 100% platonic.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by  missinthecity.
Post # 59
Member
4720 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
j_jaye:  Yes, this exactly. You said it perfectly. DH laughs at me because I’ve had friends ask if one of my best friends is hot/cute, and I don’t have an answer. I look at them and see a friend, not a potential partner.

In my experience, after you get that close to someone, regardless of gender, when you look at them you see who they are as a person, not what they look like, 

Post # 60
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

I am that friend to all my FI’s Friend’s. Ive known them for years and went to school with them all.

Ill admit it caused some issues. Two of them made a pass at me (they are not friends anymore). 

I have absolutely no interest in them and the feeling is mutual, there are around 10 of them.

We have slept in the same bed on nights out and they are all like big brothers to me.

If Fiance and I were not together anymore, I know that this would not change. I believe in platonic relationships between male and females

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