(Closed) Spin-off: Did your FI ask your dad for permission? Did you want him to?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: So... did he?
    I wanted SO to ask my dad and he did. : (76 votes)
    60 %
    I wanted SO to ask my dad but he didn't. : (2 votes)
    2 %
    I didn't want SO to ask my dad but he did. : (5 votes)
    4 %
    I didn't want SO to ask my dad and he didn't. : (34 votes)
    27 %
    Other? : (10 votes)
    8 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    34 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    It seems really old fashioned to me too and I tend to have strong feelings about things like this for myself, but other should choose what is right for them. I have a good relationship with my dad but feel exactly the same way about the whole thing, including “giving me away”. My Fiance and I actually talked about this before he proposed since we know people who have asked for permission. I told Fiance that if he asked my father I would tell him no when he asked me since no one speaks for me but myself! I really love my dad, but I’m too much of a feminist to have someone ask for permission to marry me. It’s not like I would ask my Future Mother-In-Law if I could marry my Fiance either. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    2819 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    I wouldn’t have particularly cared either way. It would have made for a romantic story if he did, but I appreciate that he didn’t feel that it was respecting my independence to do so.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1015 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    He called my dad as he was buying my ring. I didn’t expect or ask him to, but I think it was really sweet – he told me he was trying to be respectful of my father. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    3182 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    i told Fiance well ahead of time that I would be mad if he asked, and that was just fine with him.  I would feel really strange about it, but if that’s what some people want I think it’s sweet that their FI’s do it for them. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    2586 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Mine had googled “how to propose” and whatever website he found suggested getting Dads permission.  ๐Ÿ™‚

    He pretended he left his phone at my parents house one night after family dinner and went back in and asked my mom and dad together. They thought it was sweet and funny. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    786 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    We are not old fashioned or completely traditional but Fiance asked my dad and I was very happy he did. My dad was impressed and felt he was given some level of respect. I think its cute to know my Fiance was nervous.

    Post # 9
    Member
    436 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    I didnt tell him to … but he did and that makes me happy! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 10
    Member
    1636 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    I didn’t need my Fiance to ask permission, per se, but I did tell him flat-out at one point that I wanted him to talk to my dad and stepdad and express his intentions to them before making it official with me.  And it doesn’t mean I subscribe to some antiquated notion of being my father’s property.  I’m quite independent, and my dads and Fiance are well aware of the fact. Technically, I don’t really understand how a guy asking permission to propose to you is anti-feminist.  I understand the conceptual connection to misogynist attitudes, but strictly speaking, him asking for permission has nothing to do with you and what you can and cannot do.  It’s not you asking permission to get married.  It’s him asking whether your dad thinks he’s good enough for you.  You’re still perfectly at liberty to get married.  I understand if it’s still not your cup of tea, and you don’t have to justify why you do or don’t like it – but In My Humble Opinion, women are always going to be kept down by the mindset that every little thing keeps them down. (I’m not trying to open up a can of worms here.  I’ve just heard it all, and it gets a little crazy.  I had a friend who thought it was chauvinistic for men to open doors for women, because it assumes women are weaker.  GTF out of here.)

    While it might be old-fashioned, I do think it’s a mark of respect.  Frankly, in my case, it was more of a formality.  My family loves my Fiance and there was no chance any of them were going to say, “No way, dickhead, no way we want you to marry her.”  I think it can be equally meaningful if a guy asks a girl’s mother.  For me, it needed to be my dads, because my relationships with them are simply on a different level than my relationships with my mom and stepmom (which are both excellent).  I think highly of both of them, they’re good men with good hearts and they know how to treat a woman with respect, and they both care about me, so they’re in a prime position to be the judges of whether a man is treating me in the absolute best way possible.  I’m in a prime position to judge that, too, but Fiance talking to them really has more to do with the effect on him than the effect on me.  In theory, would I marry someone my dad didn’t approve of?  I suppose I might, though it’s difficult for me to imagine that being the issue, since my dad and I have very similar personalities and attitudes and we tend to think similarly about people.

    Post # 11
    Member
    535 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    I voted other because I wanted my fiance to ask my dad and I knew it would hurt my dad’s feelings if Fiance didn’t ask him. However our engagement was very spontaneous and spur of the moment. So I had Fiance ask my dad after the fact and we didn’t tell my dad until after that. In fact, Fiance even did a “re-proposal” of sorts on that night, (July, 4th) under the fireworks! 

    Also, we consider July 4th to be the official date of our engagement.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1058 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    Yes, and yes, but it was his choice. He did awesome

    Post # 13
    Member
    630 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    Yeah, it was important to me that he ask. I don’t know why? I guess just tradition..

    Post # 14
    Member
    3482 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2011

    Darling Husband knew better than to ask my father. I would have been livid if he had.

    Post # 15
    Member
    1474 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011 - Bent Creek Winery (Livermore, California); Reception: Family Residence (San Ramon, California)

    My parents are really traditional and wanted to be asked, and it was important to both Darling Husband and me to honor their feelings on this. But Darling Husband never really asked for permission. He basically asked for their blessing. I mean, he didn’t need their permission, but of course we wanted their support! It was a great thing, and my dad likes to joke about their conversation all the time. Mainly he gives Darling Husband a hard time because he waited two months after talking to my dad to propose to me. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    2195 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    He asked. I didn’t really have a preference, but now I’m glad he did. I loved that my parents knew it was going to happen.

    He showed up at my parents house with a bottle of bourbon for my dad and flowers for my mom. He told them he was “in the neighborhood” which immediately gave it away because he would never be in their town. They had him stay for dinner and he said it took him over 2 hours to get the nerve to say anything! He go so nervous! Plus, I called the house twice while he was there…whoops!

     

     

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