(Closed) SPIN OFF: Do you feel like you 'settled' with your FI/SO?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you feel like you 'settled' with your FI/SO?

    Yes

    No

  • Post # 17
    Member
    692 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    View original reply
    @renwoman:  SAME here!!!

    I also think that it’s easier for people to feel like they settled when all they see on social media are the wonderful sides of other SOs. It’s so easy to compare your SO to someone you don’t live with. Those comparisons are skewed. Hollywood doesn’t help either. 

    I think there is no such thing as a perfect person. Everyone lacks something in one way or another. It’s about finding a person you’re copatible with.  Some of my hubs best qualities are that he 

    -is the most dependable man I’ve ever met

    -loves me just as much when I am the worst version of myself and when I am the best version

    -is noble, humble, and kind

    Those are far more important to me than finding a hopeless romantic or a really ambitious person.

     

    Post # 18
    Member
    4846 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    No, I feel like I won the damn lottery (sorry to be a bit cheesy). 

    Post # 19
    Member
    534 posts
    Busy bee

    In some ways, yes. SO is not perfect for me. He’s not as talkative as I would have liked. We don’t have as much in common as I would have liked. Then in other ways he exceeds what I could have hoped for by being loyal, faithful, and adoring me to pieces. I could try again and find someone who is “more perfect for me” but I’d never find someone as loving and devoted as SO. He has been with me through some very rough stuff;  lesser men would have been long gone. 

     

    Post # 20
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    The answer is: yes and no.

    No because I wouldn’t trade DH for anyone else.

    Yes because there is no such thing as a perfect person… ergo, no such thing as a perfect partner. You do settle in the sense that you find someone “good enough” and stop looking.

    Another way of saying “good enough” is saying “right for me”. That doesn’t mean you are settling on any of the important stuff… you should have the same aspirations and dreams and should be compatible. But at the end of the day, there are billions of people in the world, and you are more or less compatible with any one of them.

    I suppose what I am saying is that I don’t believe in the concept of soulmates… there isn’t only one person who is right for you, just lots of people who are more or less right for you to a greater or lesser degree. Pick one who is significantly better than the rest, whom you are compatible with, and let the rest go.

    Settling, to an extent, is just realism.

    EDIT: I should say that, if anyone asked me if I settled usually, I would say no, but the issue came up on the other thread and I was forced to re-evaluate my answer in a new context. So my qualified answer is now “yes and no”.

    Post # 21
    Member
    1722 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 1998

    This all goes back to seeing two different kinds of settling. 

     

    On the one hand, there’s the kind everyone thinks about: “Well…he’s a drunken deadbeat who can’t hold down a job and he’s disrespectful to all of my family. Plus he hits me and tells me I’m always worthless. But at least he washes the dishes on Sunday.” 

    Then there’s the more pragmatic, “I really wanted someone very religious; but he goes to church sometimes, so that’s OK. I wanted someone who’s honest, funny and kind, so that’s great. I wish he had a better job. I don’t always like how he handles conflict, but that’s OK.” 

    Everyone’s going to be in that second category of settling – if they don’t think they are, they’re either liars or in denial. “Settling” gets a very bad and undeserved reputation. 

    So, yes, I settled for my husband. I do think I probably could have ended up with someone with different traits – even, subjectively speaking, “better” ones. The grass is always greener, isn’t it? But the grass I have is pretty damn green – even if it’s only, say, 80-90% to my liking. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    435 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    I don’t feel that I have settled in any way shape or form. Is my SO everything that I want in a person? I like to think so. Can he improve himself still? Yes. He could stand to lose a few pounds and I could probably use his help in the kitchen a little more. But I love him to bits and he treats me like a queen.

    Just because someone isn’t perfect doesn’t mean that you’ve settled.

    Post # 23
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    View original reply
    @CookieCreamCakes:  This! You put it better than me, and feel the same way I do!

    Post # 24
    Member
    95 posts
    Worker bee

    I wouldn’t say settled, but I 100% believe there is no such thing as a perfect companion or soul mate or anything like that. So I’d say yes, I made a conscious desvision that I can make a happy life with him and to stop looking. I wouldn’t call that settling though. I say settling is when you dismiss obvious problems/flaws and decide that ok is good enough. And then it’s another dozen steps or so to settling for someone who treats you poorly as PPs seem to have jumped to.

    Post # 25
    Member
    739 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    If anything he settled with me, honestly!

    Post # 26
    Member
    509 posts
    Busy bee

    Absolutely not. My boyfriend is perfect for me. He’s everything I need. 

    I am divorced, and when I originally got married I did not in any way think I ‘settled’ either. When I realized I wasn’t being fulfilled and that I wasn’t getting what I needed, I got divorced. I can’t fathom getting married unless you were completely sure. I feel like some women are so afraid to be alone and have such low self esteem they don’t even realize they’re settling or that they deserve and can have so much better. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    1088 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Definitely not! You know how many duds it took to find the perfect match? He’s everything and I’m so happy and lucky I found him before someone else!

    Post # 28
    Member
    3941 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I’m most definitely in the boat that he settled with ME.  If you’re under the impression that you’ve settled than you shouldn’t be married to that person.  I couldn’t believe the other responses in that thread either.

    Post # 29
    Member
    11369 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    View original reply
    @This Time Round:  

    Our stories sound so similar, except I didn’t stay with my abusive ex very long.

    Post # 31
    Member
    9081 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    No. I was going to settle in my last relationship, though. I’ve definitely upgraded.

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