(Closed) SPIN OFF: Do you feel like you 'settled' with your FI/SO?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you feel like you 'settled' with your FI/SO?



  • Post # 32
    175 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    @abc123joannaI did the first time around….NOT now!  I would say to all the younger brides here… don’t settle for someone who doesn’t meet your needs & realistic wants.   Don’t marry someone that “you can change” – find someone that has chariacteristics & values that you honor and appreciate.  

    Marry a SO that can be your friend, my Fiance laughed at this and said he wants to be more than my friend… until I explained my thoughts to him. I can Trust & be Honest with my friend, I can Count on my friend, I can Cry with my friend, I can Laugh, Travel, be Goofy & be Quiet. My close friends have become my family and above all, I love them to the end!

    Post # 33
    1845 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I never had any thoughts of what I wanted/needed in a life long partner, apart from the obvious(had a job, wasn’t a deadbeat, no major addictions, etc). I don’t have a “type” exactly, I don’t have certain minor qualities that I MUST have in a partner, so it’s hard to say that my dh doesn’t meeT my picture of an ideal mate, when I never had a picture to begin with. I hope that makes sense? 

    Dh and I have been friends since I was 19, and together since I was 21, parents together since I was 22 (I’m 30). He’s my best friend, and I literally couldn’t have dreamed up anyone better then him. He has qualities I didn’t realize were very important to me. If you’d have asked me 10 years ago if I placed any value on half the major qualities he has, I’d have said no…because until I met him, I didn’t know I needed those things.

    anyway, the short answer is absolutely I have not “settled” in any way, shape or form. I don’t believe in soul mates, but he’s the perfect man to complete me, there’s nothing that he lacks that makes me think anyone else could possibly do a better job. 

    Post # 34
    9126 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

    No way.  I mean, of course there are things I would change about him if I could, and vice versa I’m sure.  Nobody is perfect!

    But “settled”?  Hell to the no.  I’ve been in love with this guy for like 15 years and he still makes me feel so joyful every single day.

    Post # 35
    1782 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    No – I went after my guy. I wanted him – I knew him for 2.5 yrs before and just knew I wanted him. He is wonderful & I am lucky that he wanted me just as much as I wanted him.

    Post # 36
    4045 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    View original reply
    @Rachel631:  I agree with you 100%. I think the term “settling” has such a negative connotation. But really, I settled. There are so many people on the planet that I could be happy with, and yes, I’m sure I could be happier with some of them. I “settled” with Fiance in the sense that I didn’t want to bother looking for those others because I already landed on a really fantastic man. So no, I don’t feel like he is lowly or anything, but I am realistic in that he is not perfect.

    Post # 37
    4813 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @abc123joanna:   Totally the opposite to settling – I am, every day, AMAZED that such a wonderful man would even look my way.  There is no end to my gratitude for his love for me.   

    Post # 38
    2831 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    View original reply
    @CookieCreamCakes:  +1

    I love my Fiance but there is a lot about him that I would perfer he did or didn’t do.

    I wish he would clean up after himself, I wish he would plan dates, I wish he wouldn’t stay out sooo late when he hangs out with his friends.

    But I love him and wouldn’t change a lot about him either. He’s not perfect, neither am I.

    So yes, in a way I did settle but that’s really not that bad of a thing in my case.

    Post # 39
    466 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I don’t feel like “I wish he would do the dishes more” or “I wish he was more stylish” or whatever means you’re settling. Like several posters have said, no one is perfect. You have to look at the person as a whole.

    I get frustrated at my fiance sometimes and there are things each of us do that occasionally aggravate each other, but that in no way makes me feel like I’m “settling.”

    My fiance is my best friend and I didn’t know it was even possible to love someone as much as I love him. He’s my person. I feel so incredibly lucky that we found each other and get to spend the rest of our lives together. There is no one I’d rather take on life with. Even when he’s being annoying.

    <— definitely not settling. To quote an above poster, I also feel like I won the lottery.


    Post # 41
    7473 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    I agree with some previous posters in that I don’t believe in the concept of “soulmates”. I believe we are all more or less compatible with every other person. It is conceivable that there is someone who would have been a better match with me than DH? I suppose it is possible, but I chose my DH and I am very, very happy. Is he perfect? Well, are any of us? He is as perfect as I can imagine a spouse being, and I wouldn’t trade him for anyone else.

    The main issue, IMO, is whether I would even so much as “joke” that I “settled” when talking with a person of the opposite sex who might or might not be interested in me (and vice versa). That is incredibly disrespectful and inviting trouble, even if the spouse never hears about it. That sort of response is designed to not only put the spouse down, but to create some sort of romantic in-road with the other person. It is totally unacceptable and grounds for a breakup (or at least significant ditance for a while) in my world.

    Post # 42
    1065 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    View original reply
    @Rachel631:  +100. 

    Maybe my imagination is too active. I’m sure I could find deep love with many, many, many people. I found this person. And I love them and my commitment to them outweighs my desire to seek other people. Sometimes that desire feels stronger, I’ll admit. But I think that just comes down to human nature. We are curious about the unknown.

    Some people think of “settling” as marrying a person that is beneath you, or incompatible with you, in terms of character. I just think of it as an inevitable part of ending the search. You have to give up all those other options and “what ifs” and…settle.

    Also, I think the concept of settling is tied to one’s ego. I pretty much know that people with very high self-esteem (that edges into selfishness) can overestimate their worth as a partner, downplay their unique brand of craziness, and cause them to doubt whether their partner is “worth” them. But that has nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with their self-centeredness.

    Post # 43
    255 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @abc123joanna:  Not at all! I don’t think I could have married DH if I felt I was settling. I agree with Lia that the relationship I was in before DH was me settling 100%. New Years is actually kinda memorable for me because on this day 3 years ago I was just starting to really hit it off with DH, and closing the chapter of my previous relationship completely.

    Post # 44
    1934 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2014


    Bad Settling: prior relationship definitely had a substance abuse problem, irritated me to all hell sometimes, we fought poorly and went thru make-up and break-up cycles more than once. He was also a liar (duh, substance abuser).   I saw all these things and still was afraid of ending up alone/walking away so I settled with him until it broke me.

    Good Settling: my fiance is not the person I would have described if you’d asked me 3 years ago who I would like to marry.  He’s not nearly as outgoing or humorous as I would have said. But, he treats me like his queen, we communicate really well,  we have a great time together and in the most unexpected moments we will laugh until we cry or be incredibly dorky together.  we constantly tell each other that the other is the best, and we both feel incredibly lucky to be in such a great relationship.  But is he the guy I thought I wanted? No.  Some might consider that settling.

    Post # 45
    2484 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    There is no such thing as the perfect guy so in a way we all settle… but no I didn’t settle. I chose a wonderful hardworking and tough husband who I can fight storms and battles with and come out on top. I love him and he is AMAZING!


    Post # 46
    183 posts
    Blushing bee

    You know, growing up, I always thought that I would have to settle. I honestly didnt think that I could have my perfect man. But my SO has proved me wrong… he is literally everything and more than I thought I would ever have. When i say he is perfect, i literally mean perfect for me in every way. I feel so lucky and blessed to have him, and to have found him so young at 23, I’m truly blessed. And he feels the same way. We both feel like we don’t deserve each other. He speaks to my spirit like noone has ever before. We’re so thankful for each other.

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