(Closed) Spin off: do you still attend if you can't afford a gift?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 107
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I just went to a wedding where we did not bring a gift. It was not a financial issue, we just didn’t prioritize getting a gift. I’m not a gift person, so it’s not a big deal to me, and I want gifts at our wedding but I by no means expect them from everyone.

Post # 108
Member
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@onceinalifetime122113:  You want gifts at your wedding but didn’t “prioritize” getting a gift for the couple at the wedding you recently attended?

I can understand guests not bringing a gift for financial reasons, but I think I’d be pretty hurt if one of my guests was posting on a message board saying that they just didn’t feel like it.

Post # 109
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@cmbr:  We didn’t know the couple super well and they had 300-400 guests. I don’t really expect people like that to give big gifts if any. I mainly want my family to bring gifts. 

Post # 110
Member
12219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

The  Post Institute says that guests should indeed  feel obligated to bring a wedding present in accordance with what they can afford and their closeness to the couple.  

In contrast, Miss Manners is clear in saying that a gift is always voluntary.  However, she also is on record saying  if you are close enough to the couple to attend, you will likely feel inspired to want to send them a gift and also that traditionally one has a year to do so. 

So, we shouldn’t  get totally carried away.   I hope no one is trying to say  a wedding gift is not customary.  As for travel expenses and so forth, if it was too expensive to attend an Out of Town wedding, I would have to send my regrets. 

I think the part where people get confused is that the couple can’t act entitled or as if they have expectations.

Post # 111
Member
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@onceinalifetime122113:  I guess I don’t understand why you wouldn’t give *something* — a card, a cash gift, a small gift off the registry, whatever. I don’t think you can justify not giving a gift based on how big the wedding was. I just think it’s rude to show up to a wedding, eat, drink, dance, whatever and not give anything.

Post # 113
Member
12219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

@Quorina:  Sorry to say your  mom should not have called looking for those  “missing” gifts.  The proper thing is for the person who is not acknowledged to eventually make tactful inquiries to see if the couple received the gift, not the other way around.  But the rudeness of the person who didn’t bring a gift can’t be justified, either.  Two wrongs don’t make a right. 

Post # 114
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@weddingmaven:  Yeah it was one of those we definitely could have skipped, but my Fiance wanted to go because his friends were.

Post # 115
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’ve never been in an either/or situation — I’ve turned down wedding invitations because I just couldn’t afford to get there, but I’ve never attended a wedding without purchasing a gift.

However, if we were in a tricky place money-wise, I would absolutely go, bring a card, and then try to send a gift later, even a small one. I think the crucial part is the card — you need to at least acknowledge the event.

 

Post # 116
Member
1669 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

@MrsPanda99:  There are people I would honestly be so upset with if they did not attend because of them not being able to afford to give a present. I think that expecting people to cover their plate is an awful practice – if you need to recoup the cost of your wedding, your wedding cost too much to begin with and should have been toned down to something you could afford.

When I was working part time last year (as a student) and my SO was working a job that did not pay too much we found a way of scrounging up $50 to buy something off the registry – after spending money on a gift for the bridal shower. Now that we are doing better (but honestly paying off debt) we are putting in more. I have never gone empty handed.

As for someone coming? I hope that they bring a card so that I can read their well wishes. If someone was in a hard financial position and they were out of town then I would help them out with accomodation just so they could come.

Post # 117
Member
5006 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2018

I’d go and bring a card, especially if it was a good friend. If it was a coworker or someone I really wasn’t close to, I might decline the invite.  

Post # 118
Member
621 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I would most definitely take a heartfelt card at least

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