Post # 1
I notice a trend here on the bee that goes a little something like this:
“He went to the strip club when I asked hm not to”
“He watched porn when I asked him not to”
“He went to lunch with his high school crush when I asked him not to”
“He went out drinking again when I asked him not to”
” He rode on his best friends motrocycle when he promised not to”
“He bought that new video game when he said he’d save for the wedding”
Somthing is clearly not connecting. I personally tend to think that women and men are just wired differently. Something that makes complete sense to a woman does not translate into the man-brain and vise versa. When this happens disaster ensues and there are a few possible outcomes: 1. Men either feel smothered and end relationships citing that we are “too clingy” and they need “space.” 2. Men agree to our requests not really knowing why we are making them but loving us and wanting to avoid the shit storm argument that will come if they even think of disagreeing. 3. They agree o our requests, not realizing how much of a desire they have for said vice (porn, wild bachelor party, etc) and they eventually cave to the temptation resulting in an Emotional Weddingbee post. What gives!
Reading some of these posts I wonder, what is the equivilent scenario for men? I can’t think of a single thing that my fiance has requested I not do (short of cheating) that relates to these frequent breeches in agreements we read here. Are men just less demanding, more trusting, more secure? Not bashing women, but I really can’t think of anything close that men do? Can you? Has your male partner presented you with a “line in the sand;” where he frimly requests that you not do something that you want to do?
Post # 3
I don’t have any that are my own… but brainstorming… What about the men that don’t want their wives to work or insist they be SAHM’s? I don’t know, I’m at a loss!
Post # 4
It’s unfortunately become one of those things that I will actively do when I’m angry at him.
Post # 5
I think comunication is the key….Males don’t think about things as much as women do. I think this describes the difference between men and women perfectly.
I don’t tell my partner anything…If we have something that we don’t like, we talk in bepth about it.
Post # 6
@russian_doll: YES. I’ve seen that before and it’s so perfect.
Post # 7
FH made it clear that he expected me to work after marriage (before children – he has no problem with me being a SAHM for a while), but I was planning to do that anyway. I’m getting a degree to use, not to sit on.
Other than that, he hasn’t insisted that I do or not do anything that didn’t come out of a mutual understanding.
For example, neither of us likes strip clubs, porn, or excessive drinking. We both came into the relationship with those beliefs, and had a conversation about it pretty early on. It was mostly, “I don’t want you doing ___” “I wasn’t planning to. I don’t want you doing it either.”
Post # 8
My SO has requested that I don’t dance with or near men. At a wedding we attended recently, he insisted that “men were coming onto the dance floor” and trying to dance with me. I think he was just being insecure because he doesn’t dance at all.
Anyway, I was having a blast and I thought he was being unreasonable because these men were his friends, so why can’t we let loose and dance in a big circle? But part of a relationship is compromise, so I didn’t dance with them. I figured his feelings on the subject were more important than mine in that instance, and I didn’t want to offend or upset him. I danced with the girls and when a guy was dancing “with” me (aka in front of me, beside me or behind me) I would dance off in a different direction lol. I wouldhave had more fun just dancing with everyone, but I love SO and I honestly wouldn’t want him dancing with girls, so I let him win that one.
Post # 9
I think all of the requests you listed above are reasonable. I have asked DH to cut back on spending since we need te money for other things (I manage our money) and it really is a week to week struggle. Some weeks he won’t spend a dime and the next week he will blow money on a daily basis. Sigh.
Some requests he has for me:
Quality time sans phones/laptops (usually while watching a movie or TV show)
Do not drink so much I can’t drive
Do not drink a lot
Do not drink often
(wow, sensing a theme here?)
Do not smoke (I quit a few years ago)
Do not have any contact with certain men from my past
Those are all I can think of off the top of my head. We have been together a long time so we have worked a lot of stuff out already…mostly we just try to take the other person’s thoughts and feelings into account. If we don’t agree on something we usually talk it out until we find a compromise. There hasn’t been anything I have requested from him or that he has requested from me that the other person hasn’t been willing to do.
Post # 10
I’m sure there are some things I can’t really think of because they’re more common sense. The main one is that he didn’t want me to talk back to my ex after my ex tried to recontact me several months after he broke up with me and I had just started dating FI. I didn’t mind though (my ex was an ass when he dumped me) and FI has his reasons (issues with past relationships where his exes cheated on him with their exes). I’m actually MUCH happier not talking with my ex. lol hence why we are exes!
Post # 11
Post # 12
Last year I went on a week long vacation with some girlfriends and left FH back home. He didn’t mind in the slightest, but a few of my female coworkers were amazed because their husbands would never let them go on vacation with just friends and no spouse. “Once you’re married, you have to travel with your spouse only”
My FH’s only real rule is that he doesn’t want me to eat in his (new) car, which I can understand. Oh, and he insists his parents come to the wedding (no eloping).
Post # 13
@MissTatas: Let me clarify. I don’t think women are unreasonable in a lot of the things they ask men to do. I am just baffled by the fact that some things are such a given to women and men are clueless. Then, when men go againsts the rule they don’t really understand or like, their women get upset.
Post # 14
@kerensa: “Once you’re married, you have to travel with your spouse only”
UGHHH I hate it when people start thinking like that! or even when people are dating they feel like thaty you can ONLY travel with their SO. umm just because I’m married doesn’t mean I can’t have a girls night/weekend/week out!
Post # 15
- Wedding: June 2013 - Country Club
FI doesn’t do that. He got upset once when he came home after working for 12 hours and I didn’t have dinner made because I was on facebook (and he had to eat ramen). I felt really bad about it afterwards. Other than that ONCE isolated incident, no. He has never done anything like that to me and I try not to do that to him (because who really wants to be that ‘crazy’ girlfriend/fiancé/wife?
Post # 16
@PamelaBrit: ah, sorry I misunderstood. That is what comes from reading the bee after getting very little sleep last night 😉