(Closed) **Spin-Off** Explain Yourself…or not?

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: When you bail on the bride you....
    Call that lady and explain yourself begging for forgivness with a notorized note from the Dr. : (33 votes)
    35 %
    Call and apologize for missing the wedding and simply say you were detained : (50 votes)
    53 %
    Text her a "Oops...THAT was Saturday:(" : (1 votes)
    1 %
    Say nothing and invite her to bowling night through Facebook as usual. : (1 votes)
    1 %
    Avoid her phone calls and text messages because you don't want to deal with it... : (1 votes)
    1 %
    Roll your eyes at her e-mail because it was JUST a wedding! : (4 votes)
    4 %
    Other : (2 votes)
    2 %
    Do you want to know the funniest thing about Herman? : (2 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 3
    922 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I had this once where I had RSVPed for me and BF at the time.  Well we broke up (all my doing) after I sent in the RSVP card.  So I had to call and tell my aunt (cousin was bride) that it was just me, and she was thankful and thought nothing of it.

    If I knew before the day of that I wasn’t going to make it, I would definitely call and probably even offer to “cover my plate” (that’s just me).  If it was day of, I would call after and apologize and send an extra big gift!

    Post # 4
    9693 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    @Nona99:  I don’t think I would call on her wedding day because she has enough to worry about. If I changed my RSVP at the last minute, it would be because of a true emergency, not because I decided to go to the beach instead. I would call and let her know what happened, but I would wait until my own emergency had settled and her wedding day/honeymoon had passed.

    Post # 5
    3943 posts
    Honey bee

    I don’t necessarily think you are obligated, but I think it is common courtesy. You aren’t just missing a night with friends, its a once in a lifetime event that you RSVPed yes for AND the couple already paid for you.

    We had an entire family no-show for our wedding. That was about $600 in food and drinks that went totally wasted, not to mention half of a table completely empty which was very obvious during our small reception. I’m still mad about it to this day.

    Post # 6
    1011 posts
    Bumble bee

    @Nona99:  I have never been a no-show, but if I ever was it’d probably be for something pretty serious. And in some cases for some people, it’s private.

    I can see how a bride could be hurt or even angry about no-shows. But they should never demand an explanation. The wedding day is the most important day to YOU and your FH. With other people, well things happen. Not always things the bride is entitled to knowing about.

    Yes, I do think it is rude to RSVP yes and not show. It wastes the B&G’s money and may hurt their feelings. BUT I don’t think any grown adult needs to explain themselves to another grown adult unless they want to.

    Post # 7
    1184 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @Nona99: guests are definitely obligated to explain why they didnt show. The bride and groom invited them to share in a special moment of their lives, they paid for them and then they dont show up? A wedding cant be re-done. It does not get repeated like a birthday party or an anniversary. 

    Post # 8
    45533 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    At the very least, you owe the couple an apology. Emergencies happen, and not all of the details are appropriate for sharing. I fail to see too many legitimate reasons not to make a quick phone call to someone close to the bride on the wedding day to give a heads up that you are unable to attend.

    After the wedding, you definitely need to apologize for your last minute cancellation.

    Post # 9
    1011 posts
    Bumble bee

    @julies1949:  I totally second apologizing! If it’s possibly something that can’t or shouldn’t be explained because it’s private (maybe medical or whatever) I think at least an apology is due.

    If the guest doesn’t want to offer up details I don’t think they should be pushed for an explanation.

    Post # 10
    4466 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    Just like if I missed any event that I was expected to be at I would call before or after and let the person know. If I couldn’t make a birthday party I would call the host or guest of honor and let them know that I am sick, I have to tutor, etc. Even more so for a [usually] more formal event like a wedding where I will have had the date on my calendar for a long time – if something really did come up where I couldn’t attend I would make sure that the hosts know why and that I send my regrets. I don’t think it’s ever acceptable to give someone word that you will be attending somewhere and then not show up – be it for a coffee or lunch date, a birthday party, or a wedding. 


    The only time I would say it’s a slightly different scenario is if it’s not an RSVP type party, it’s more of a club party or a house party (which are usually rather large), and then probably afterward I would tell the person that I was sorry I couldn’t make it. That goes for someone who is just a friend or acquaintance – if it was a very close friend or family member then obviously that would be different.

    ETA: I don’t necessarily think a bride and groom HAVE to get a reason from someone who didn’t show. I had some people who didn’t show, and in all honesty, I can’t even remember wh it was now. I had so much going on that day, so many other people around me, and I don’t really care why those people didn’t show up. I didn’t approach them after the day and I didn’t ask for an explanation. Admittedly these are people I’m not very close to anyway so it was really no skin off my back, but I guess maybe it’s a different situation when it’s someone who you’re close with and them not showing up makes a statement. 

    Post # 11
    1262 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    Hahaha, well based on the answers in that poll, it’s obvious what the OP’s opinion is.

    If for some reason I couldn’t attend a wedding I had RSVPed for, and I magically didn’t know until the day of, I would call them a couple weeks after to let them know why, email or no. It’s just the nice thing to do.

    If someone wanted you there to be part of their day, they probably care about you, and it is the decent thing to do to let them know why you couldn’t do that, simultaneously easing their mind as to why they paid for your food, seat, etc., and it was technically wasted. 

    Post # 12
    9619 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    My opinion is – if you RSVP that you will attend someone’s wedding, and then don’t show up, you do owe them an explanation; and it should only occur for a dire emergency.  Just not showing up is not only rude, it’s a huge expense to the couple who have to still pay for the meals of their guests whether they show up or not.  Not to acknowledge that isn’t right. 

    If you don’t really want to attend someone’s wedding in the first place, or feel ambiguous, simply decline to start with; then you won’t owe an explanation.  Still sending a gift or card is appropriate, though, when declining a wedding invitation.

    Post # 13
    4529 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @julies1949:  +1

    @Nona99:  I definitely would not expect, nor would I need, to know the details. “We cannot make it” would be enough for me. I *always* get “why? why? well why not?” when I RSVP ‘no’ to something, so I’m super tolerant about people not being able to make it to things without having to justify it.

    Same goes if someone didn’t show or said at the last minute they couldnt attend. Shit happens.

    Post # 14
    1411 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    If I wasn’t able to attend a wedding I had RSVP’d to, I would email or facebook message as soon as I found that out, and only call if somehow that was the only way to contact the couple. Whether I contacted the bride, groom, or both would depend on the circumstances.

    A friend of mine invited a lot of aunts & uncles she sees once a year, but not their children because she couldn’t afford it, and I think all of them RSVP’d yes and didn’t show up, like 12 people! At least they did buffet and the caterer was able to give them all the leftovers. And when she saw them a couple months later they acted like nothing had happened. 

    Post # 15
    149 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I don’t think this should apply to just weddings. If you RSVP yes to ANY event, a dinner, a trip, etc. where your attendance was expected I would HOPE as a WELL MANNERED HUMAN, you would let the host know if something came up. What the serious hell people.

    Post # 16
    724 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    @Nona99:  I don’t believe as an adult, I have to explain something like this. If it was anything else, I would simply say I was unable to make it. If it was a dinner with her and I, I would of course call and cancel. A wedding is a huge gathering and I don’t find it necessary to explain myself before or after. 

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