Post # 1
There seem to have been a lot of threads lately from Bees who are worried that their partners are cheating. Whenever I read through the responses, I’m always surprised at how many people seem so definitive that this is the case, especially when the OP’s post often only talks about hunches and minor happenings.
Perhaps I’m a little naive and overly trusting, or maybe the fact that I’ve never had a partner who was unfaithful tends to sway my line of thinking in a different direction…
Do you think that people’s own previous experiences have a large bearing on how they respond in these threads, moreso than the actual situation? If so, do you think we might have a ‘biased’ population here on the Bee?
Call me nosey (and an expert procrastinator…) but I’d be very interested to get an idea of what proportion of us have personally been cheated on. For everyone’s sake, I’m quietly hoping it’s much lower than it seems, because it really is an awful scenario for anyone to deal with.
Note: for the sake of the poll, I would consider being ‘unfaithful’ as any act that meets your own personal definition of cheating (i.e. could be a physical or emotional affair).
Post # 2
I am probably biased in this case – i am 25 and have never even been broken up with. I have always been the one to initiate the breakup i guess maybe i shouldn’t even reply to this? But regardless i am interested in this too because i just dont “get” it.
Post # 3
Everyone is welcome to reply – it’s interesting to hear about other peoples experiences! I’m sort of the same as most of my break ups were those sort of depressing mutual we’ve-done-our-dash type of things. All very amicable and drama-free, despite still being very difficult and upsetting.
I’ve never been cheated on or seriously entertained the idea that a partner may be doing anything inappropriate, so I find I naturally tend to look for other potential explanations when I read those sorts of threads. I’m definitely not saying that people aren’t being unfaithful in the scenarios people post about, but I also don’t ‘get’ how other people are so sure that they are!
Post # 4
Same here! I’m 34 (have been with my fiancé on and off 12 years) and have never been dumped! When girlfriends ask for advice on how to move on I’m always stumped… HOWEVER, breaking up with someone who thinks they are in love with you is the WORST. There were a few times I wish I could have turned the tables.
Post # 5
I think there is a bias here but it may not be having being cheated on. I find that it is more sexist than that. Things males do get red flagged/abuse/leave him/divorce whilst same or simimlar actions in females (so bees) get condoned or worse blamed on the male (which often happens in bee cheating situations- like well he should have paid you more attention).
There are an awful lot of examples of emotional abuse on here that get condoned because it is a bee doing it. And don’t dare call it out!
Post # 6
Ugh, I wish your response didn’t make so much sense but unfortunately it does. I definitely see a lot of Bees who give great and very rational and balanced advice, but there does seem to be a large contingent of people who jump on the ‘all men are scumbags’
bandwagon, pitchforks and all.
Post # 7
Male bashing may be expected in so large a group of women, but it seems sadly ironic on a board for those planning to get married.
Post # 8
my ex, who i was with for the greater part of 2.5 years, thought he was in “love” with me. Sometimes I still feel bad for completely ending things with him but at the same time i feel he HAS to be happier without me he just didnt realize it at the time (he was a virgin before me.) I don’t resent things that happened in our relationship anymore. I learned a lot about myself while dating him and believe everything happens for a reason.
Post # 9
Never cheated on that I know of and never suspected I might be.
Post # 10
Yep, been cheated on. The worst was when my ex slept with my best friend…and then they got married. I’ve been knowingly cheated on by 3/5 of my exes. I was also a teenager in all those relationships.
Thanks to my past, I don’t take shitty behavior from SO. Ive never cheated either.
Post # 11
- Wedding: April 2017 - Hogarths, Solihull
I’ve never been cheated on, but I have been the girl that a guy cheated on his girlfriend with. Twice. I didn’t initiate.
Guy #1 – at a party. We were flirting, one of his friends said “hey, what about your GF?” so I backed wayyy off. Later that night, he came over and kissed me and we ended up fooling around a little. I felt AWFUL the next morning.
Guy #2 – he was a friend of a friend and was going to be passing my house. My parents were out and I was super bored so I suggested he come over. Nice guy, I knew his Girlfriend. Had a moderately pleasant (if a little awkward) evening and when he went to leave, I gave him a hug and he forced a kiss. Ugh. I so didn’t want to kiss him! I pushed him off and kicked him out of my house. When him and his Girlfriend broke up a few months later, she was upset but confessed that she kind of thought he might have cheated on her. I told her what had happened at my house and she was upset, but told me it was good to know. When he came grovelling back to her, she slapped him and told him that she knew. That one probably worked out for the best.
Personally, I hate cheating. I’ve never done it, and I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be cheated on.
That said, my Mum and Step-Dad met on AOL back in the 90s and they were both married at the time. Carried out an illicit affair, both had messy divorces but are still together now!
Post # 12
Yes – I expected a group of women who were in the middle of planning their weddings to be a bit more romantic and err on the side of trying to work things out more often. Not saying that would be more ‘correct’ but it is funny for a wedding related site. I think there is also a feeling that being tough, no nonsense, and not putting up with anything less than perfect are characteristics of a strong, modern women. While I don’t disagree, real life often doesn’t live up to these ideal expectations, and I think being open minded is equally as important of a quality.
Haha, I nearly put one of the poll options as ‘No, to the best of my knowledge I have not been cheated on’, but I thought that would be a bit too cynical!
Wow, just wow. Sorry you’ve had such tough experiences and lousy ex-partners. I can imagine that if I was cheated on a couple of times in a row, I might just have stopped shaving my legs and started adopting cats. Do you think it made it harder to trust when you met your Fiance, or did it just heighten your BS detector? Glad you have Fiance now 🙂
Me neither! I just can’t imagine what it would be like to have the person you trust most betray you in such a personal and intimate manner. It would be truly heartbreaking and surely would create a little baggage moving forward… how could it not? It also really sucks that those guys you mentioned played into the old stereotype of douchebags that can’t keep it in their pants or just be friends with a woman. Sounds like you handled it well though. Also, that’s kind of interesting about your Mum and Step-dad. I guess that means AOL was like the original tinder? 😉
Post # 13
Hah.. pretty much every guy I was with before Fiance, in one way or another. It’s totally messed with my head, and I’m not terrified of the idea of cheating. Thankfully, Fiance isn’t the type of person who would ever do that.
Post # 14
more like fine tuned. I’m a one and done kind of person. Once someone’s true colors shine, I don’t entertain fantasies of “changing” them.
Post # 15
I have been cheated on once that has been confirmed. I suspect two others.
In the case of the confirmed cheater, he was open and honest about the fact that he had cheated on a previous girlfriend. I figured people can change and we had such a good friendship, so I decided to give him a chance.
Yeah, well, he cheated on me with his ex. She came home from college and they hung out. He told me about it beforehand, so I figured I had nothing to worry about. A group of our friends, him, and I were all hanging out when he checked his myspace and had a message from her saying that he was such an idiot and he needed to tell me what happened or she was going to tell me. All of his friends went on emphatically that she was crazy and I couldn’t trust a word she said. When I got home I had a message from her telling me that they slept together. He had told her we weren’t together and that I was essentially a crazy girl that just couldn’t accept the fact that he didn’t like me back. I was so confused from his friends telling me she was nuts that I didn’t really believe her. On top of that, one of the friends in our main group was murdered. So trying to work out if he cheated or not took a backseat to that. At that point, I knew I needed to support him and just forget about the message.
In the end, the murder tore our entire group apart and him and I split up. About 6 months later he called drunk and confessed that he really did sleep with her and was sorry.
He ended up marrying the next girl he dated. On their wedding day, he messaged me to thank me for being there for him to cheat on. Apparently he felt so guilt ridden for cheating on someone who was “so sweet” that he knew he had to change his ways before he hurt someone special again. According to him, this made him a better man for his wife.