(Closed) Spin off: have you ever been the "other woman?"

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Have you ever been the "other woman?"
    Yes : (245 votes)
    47 %
    No : (279 votes)
    53 %
  • Post # 62
    Member
    4522 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @VegasSukie:  I get what you mean: I guess it depends on how you are connected to either party in the situation. I just know of one male friend who met someone else at work and decided he wanted to break up with his Girlfriend to persue things with this other gal. He was honest and never unfaithful and they are married now…but his now-ex and her friends think he’s scum and his wife is a whore. I just don’t see it that way: he met someone else, liked her more, didnt cheat, and was HONEST.

    @eocenia:  The age thing absolutely makes it worse: my Boyfriend or Best Friend is 15 years older than me and several female “friends” that are mutual friends with the girl he was dating before me have, in no uncertain terms, accused me of being a homewrecker and him of being the “horny old guy.”

    Post # 63
    Member
    3170 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    @mypinkshoes:  My husbands family said the same thing! I remember asking him one day ‘Do they know about us?’ and he said something along the lines of ‘I think so. They said that this is the happiest they have ever seen me and I think they know it’s because of you’. It made me feel so good!

    Post # 64
    Member
    11268 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2012

    @eocenia:  i’m glad to hear that some people can be mature and understandable about these situations.  good for you.  i admire that behaviour and wish more people could be like that.

    Post # 65
    Member
    3039 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @VegasSukie: I wrote “and that a lot of their feelings came from their own insecurities” – not that all of it was due to that.

    Yes, some took a stance for the very reason you stated – and I understand and accept that. However, when people decided to treat us the way they did, without carrying one bit about her (because she was in a situation when she needed friends – yet, very few stepped up for her), I do think that personal insecurities is a reasonable explanation. I think people often have strong negative reactions towards things that scare them from a personal perspective – I know that’s something I do myself. However, since all of this happened, I do try to keep in mind that there are always more to a situation than you know.

     

    Post # 66
    Member
    4522 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @VegasSukie:  I think @eocenia: means “insecurity” not in the jealous sense, but in the “what-if-my-husband/bf/man-does-that-to=ME?” sense. Like the people that were hard on their decision saw their situation and worried the same thing could happen in THEIR relationship.

    Post # 67
    Member
    1188 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    I was the other woman for a year.  

    My ex and I were together for five years.  We split up several times.  During one of these split ups, he started seeing another girl.  I knew he was dating her while we were still going out, sleeping together, and carrying on as we had for years.  She knew we had contact, but he convinced her we were just friends and I never had any reason to go out of my way to let her know the truth, even though I don’t know how it wasn’t obvious.

    In my head, I rationalized it because we’d been together longer than he knew her.  I loved him.  I thought he’d eventually come back.  It ended because I packed up my apartment and left the city.  There just came a point when I realized that I didn’t want to play second fiddle to anyone.  He once told me he didn’t feel guilty about seeing both of us because he loved me, but it was easy to be with her because there wasn’t years of baggage (we went through a lot and had a lot of personal issues in our respective lives).  

    I’ve unknowingly been the other woman before and fund out after the fact.  I’ve always hung out with guys, so I’ve also been accused of being the other woman frequently.  

    Post # 68
    Member
    3039 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @mypinkshoes: Thank you.

    While I wish things could have started out without hurting another person, because believe me I know we did, I do feel like we all handled things the best we could considering the circumstances. I’m actually really proud over the fact that we ALL have managed to move forward and not hold grudge. It took a few years, and it was painful at times, but I think it’s amazing that we’re all friends today.

    @badabing88: Thanks  – you explained it very well, that was exactly how I meant it.  

    Post # 69
    Member
    89 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I don’t get why anyone would knowingly date a person who is already in a relationship. What’s the appeal? The guy is a scumbag for cheating, and too much of a pansy to break off a failed relationship before moving on to something new… do these “other women” find weak men attractive?

    In My Humble Opinion anyone who dates someone who is “spoken for” (legally separated is ok) is also a scumbag not worth associating with, and an idiot too because they’re too dumb to understand that married/engaged/LTR guys are OFF LIMITS! lol

    Post # 70
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    @badabing88:  But you just said it yourself: “his now-ex and her friends think he’s scum and his wife is a whore“.  HER friends think he’s scum and she’s a whore.  Sounds like they are just being good friends to me.  Lol!  I’m sure the guy’s friends and his new girlfriend’s friends are being supportive of their newfound love.

    Just to give it some more context, without revealing who I’m talking about (in case people I know IRL ever find these posts), I am very close to a married couple (they are like parents to me, I’m close to both of them but I’m actually related to the woman in this couple).  They were together for years when the husband started spending time and exchanging texts with a co-worker that was 13 years younger than him.  He swore up and down that nothing was going on until one day he finally admitted he was cheating with her and leaving his wife.  His wife was devestated.  Even though I was close to both of them and could even see the husband’s reasoning for why he cheated, I would still call the other woman all sorts of names when I was around the wife (my relative).  When I was around the husband I would express my disgust and disappointment but I also supported his right to be happy.  I had to walk a very fine line because I love them both and wanted to support them both.  I ended up inviting him and the other woman to my wedding along with his ex, my relative.  And even though the other woman was invited, I would still talk shit about her around my relative to show her my support and make her feel a little better about the fact that this home-wrecker (and yeah she was a home-wrecker because she knew he was married, knew his wife and pursued him relentlessly anyway) was at this important family event (I know this sounds very immature but it’s not like I ever called the other woman names to her face).  At the same time, I would never, ever let the ex-husband know how badly I talk about his new girl.

    So it’s not so much a double standard (for me anyway), it’s just my way of showing support for those I care about.

    Post # 71
    Member
    734 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2007

    No, I’ve never been the other woman. I lost all respect for an old friend when she became the other woman (willingly); it’s something I absolutely refused to ever be a part of.

     

     

     

    I don’t have respect for anyone that willingly enters a relationship with someone that they know is in a ‘committed’ relationship- be it dating, engagement, or marriage- if the couple is together, and have no intention of seperating. There is nothing that should be even remotely appealing about dating a man/woman that is taken. 

     

     

     

     (ETA: The paragraph above does not include seperation in the marriage, where both parties know they are seperated and are filing/have filed for divorce.)

     

    Post # 72
    Member
    4522 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @VegasSukie: In your case, I’d probably call them both names in a show of support too: because he DID cheat. The friend I have never even so much as touched this girl in a friendly way, much less cheated, so I don’t think the ex’s friends are being fair with the name calling. I know they’re just sticking up for their girl, but I don’t think he did anything wrong. In my opinion, he was honorable: he met someone he liked more, was honest with the current girlfriend, and broke things off with her before persuing anything new.

    Post # 73
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    @eocenia:  Ah I understand.  That could very well be.  I know I react very badly to things I fear so you could be right.  But there are a lot of people out there who also think that nothing should get in the way of true love and those who hate on it (hate on new love found through indiscretions) are just jealous and insecure.  Well I guess I am one of those people too…lol.  I hate cheating because it’s been done to me and it felt terrible.  I’ve had opportunities to be the other woman and I’ve always remembered how it felt to be cheated on and could never bring myself to do it knowingly.  So yes, I might not be very impressed with a couple that got their start that way and may even steer clear of them because of it.  But I’m sure these couples eventually end up finding happiness and friends/family supportive of their relationship so it shouldn’t matter to them if they did have a few haters.

     

     

     

    Post # 74
    Member
    601 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @MrsPanda99:  I have but I didnt know it. She had left for a summer internship and I met him. He acted completely normal and non of his friends mentioned or acted strange around us. I got blindsided by it because once she got back he tried playing off somethings by calling her his cousin. I was pissed, not sure if she ever found out but I’m happy I left and now all my friends like to joke about dating their “cousin” when we go out. 

    Post # 75
    Member
    838 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2008

    @Birdee106:  I bet his ex thought the same thing…

    You asked… don’t get mad when the opinions aren’t all in your favor

    Post # 76
    Member
    1629 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I slept with someone (one-night stand) and I didn’t learn that he had a girlfriend until she called him the next morning.

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