(Closed) Spin off: have you ever been the "other woman?"

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Have you ever been the "other woman?"
    Yes : (245 votes)
    47 %
    No : (279 votes)
    53 %
  • Post # 77
    Member
    838 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2008

    @MrsPanda99:  I would believe that to be true if the person took some time to change themselves, however, in the OP’s husband’s case, he jumped from the frying pan right into the fire. There was no change, the only thing he changed was spouses. She doesn’t know if he’s changed. He left his wife to be with her and if I were her, I’d be really concerned because she’s 18 years younger than he is, that means he’s real old and she’s real young, so he’s got time to do what he did… again.

    Post # 78
    Member
    230 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    Yes, and gasp!…I married the “horrible cheater”!

    Post # 79
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    @badabing88:  Lol!  Oh believe me, I read him the riot act AND called him a few names!  Our relationship has never been the same which is unfortunate considering how close we all were. 

    But I do get what you’re saying about your friend.  He and his new girl probably shouldn’t be villified til the end of time for being honest about their feelings.  But at the same time, the ex and her friends are entitled to their feelings.  If they are not all hanging out in the same circles, what does it matter if the new couple has a few “haters”?  There are consequences to everything we do and being hated on may very well be the consequence to what they did.  It’s not right (if they honestly didn’t do anything before the actual break-up) but the couple is also free to ignore them/block them/avoid them/etc. 

    Post # 80
    Member
    78 posts
    Worker bee

    @DJones69:  I completely disagree. Yes, there are a few men who just like to cheat for the thrill of cheating, but in general men cheat because thier needs are not being met, or they are incompatible in some way with the person they are currently with.

    I do not belive the phrase “once a cheater, always a cheater”, that implies people can’t change, grow, or learn.

    So, birdie, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. 

     

    and @coolbeans: you never know why a man can’t leave or a woman was ‘the other woman’ so that’s a pretty harsh statement. Maybe they have kids to consider, maybe the person being cheated on has an illness or an issue which would make the man heartless to leave at that time, everyone has a story and I personally don’t judge others so harshly – as the saying goes about walking a mile in someone elses shoes 😉 

     

     

     

    Post # 81
    Member
    3039 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @VegasSukie: Well, it might be that some of the people that reacted in a very negative manner had similar experiences as you – if an affair have hurt you in the past, I understand why you would feel strongly about it later on. They, and you, are of course in your full right to feel that way. 

    For myself, this entire experience was an eye opener and I realized that I had been judgmental in the past. Society looked down on affairs, so so did I – no questions asked and nasty comments were free game. In retrospect, that did nothing for me, and certainly nothing for anyone else, and I’ve learned that I don’t need to have a say in other peoples private matters just because they “messed up”. If they feel bad for a situation they’ve created, they probably do a good enough job of beating up themselves anyway. 

    Post # 82
    Member
    2966 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @Birdee106:  So are you saying that the main reason why he wouldn’t cheat on you would be that you are so much younger than him? Was that the reason he cheated on his previous wife? Not being snarky, I am just curious.

    Also, to answer OPs question : yes I have been the other woman. I was 17 and my then boyfriend was 21. One random day I find out he has a fiance, in a different country, who was 8 months pregnant with his babygirl. Needless to say I tore him a new one and left him that same second. However, I felt used and horrible and promised myself to be less trusting and more aware of people and their intentions. 

     

     

     

    Post # 83
    Member
    3051 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    @TattedNYBride:  I can relate to your story. Mine is definitely different but things you said applied to my situation as well.

     

    My first relationship was one where I was the other woman. We started talking and I knew she was in a relationship with someone but it was long distance. To be completely honest, I also thought there was a possibility she was lying about the current gf. Our relationship was a ball of flames…it started fast, was hot as hell, and then just burned out.

     

     

     

    The gf (who in my head I call the other woman lol sad.) was never around, they never spoke, & never saw each other. We spent ALL of our time together so I just couldn’t comprehend how she had another girl in her life. She also bitched constantly about this girl, told me over and over she was going to break up with her, etc…all the typical cheater shit. We were both SO young though, I was 20 and she was 19, so it was all immaturity IMO. She DID eventually break up with the gf but then after a VERY short time of it just being me, she started talking to another girl who we worked with and I knew she was about to pull the same shit on me that we had pulled on her ex gf. I cut all ties at that point and sure enough, a week later they were dating.

     

     

     

    We did hook up a bit again several months later while she was with this new gf but it was more emotionally cheating, we never kissed, only held hands and touched non-sexually and shit like that. I justified it at the time because since we didn’t kiss or have sex, we weren’t cheating but looking back I certainly think we were. After a while I got a new job and lost all contact.

     

     

     

    I don’t regret it…any of it, even for a second. It taught me SO much about myself, relationships in general, what TO do and what NOT to do. It was a huge life lesson for me.

     

     

     

    Post # 84
    Member
    3415 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014 - Lodge

    I was when I was 20.  I regret it.  I shouldn’t have stooped to that level for a “Piece of d!ck” but that’s what I did.  I was young and he was a good looking guy in a band.  He was already divorced and had a 2nd wife who he was cheating on with another girl he called his girlfriend.  At the time I started developing a crush on him I didn’t know he was a player.  When I finally did find out I didn’t care I just wanted the satisfaction of knowing I could have him if I wanted to.  Plus his girlfriend was kind of a bitch to me and my friends (my roommate was dating the drummer who was a good friend of mine from before).  So one day they were at the recording studio at my home town (3 hours from where we all lived at the time) and he and I were flirting.  I went to the girls bathroom to re-apply some lip gloss and next thing I know he’s there and we are doing it up against the door.  It was hot and FANTASTIC but so stupid of me.  Sure he was hurting peoples feelings anyway but why did I have to be a part of that? 

    I was never one to only blame one person for another person cheating.  I mean if both adults know there is another person involved they are both to blame.  And if I was confronted by his wife or girlfriend what would I do?  I wouldn’t smirk and be like “Oh well”, no I’d feel stupid and guilty because I didn’t love him I just wanted to prove that I could get him if I wanted to.  And now that I’m older with kids of my own and a Fiance I love more than anything, if another woman tore apart my family I’d rip both her and my FI’s heads off and post them on a stick in the front yard for all to see.  So my escapade with a married man was stupid, immature and selfish.  I regret the whole thing.  I could have had just as amazing of sex with a single man.  In fact several years later I ended up dating a guy in a band….who then ended up cheating on me so I guess what goes around comes around.

    Post # 85
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    @CoolBeans:  I completely agree and that’s why I think it’s perfectly acceptable to call the other woman (or man) a home-wrecker, etc.  I don’t think anyone who intentionally gets involved with someone who is in a commited relationship with someone else should get a badge of honor or a pat on the back or even any sympathy/understanding.  I get that things happen and you can’t help who you fall in love with but it’s strange to me that somehow I’ve been able to avoid getting into relationships with taken men during my 35 years on this Earth yet so many others haven’t been so lucky.  When I was single, if a man told me he was taken (or if I suspected he was), that was the end of the discussion and I would never again look at them as a possibility.  I would be respectful of their relationship status, never ask them to go out with me alone, never flirt, no inappropriate communications, etc.  I can understand it a little if you get into a relationship not knowing that the other person is taken, but I honestly can’t understand it if you pursue someone knowing they are taken.

    Post # 86
    Member
    3170 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    @DJones69:  Actually, I didn’t ask anything.

    Post # 87
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    @eocenia:  Well I agree that it’s easy to judge depending on which side of the coin your experience is on.  And while I do have strong opinions on this topic, I try very hard to not be judgmental IRL because you’re right that we don’t know the whole story.  It’s just a tough situation all around.  For instance, the man I mentioned earlier, I really want to be happy for him.  This new girl treats him very well and is good to him and he deserves it. But on the other hand, my relative didn’t deserve the pain she went through either.  I guess it takes putting those shoes on and walking in them yourself to have a change of heart like you did.  I, personally, hope that never happens to me in this case (lol) but I can see the value of just being more tolerant of situations that have nothing to do with you in the first place.

     

    This has been a very interesting (and POLITE) thread. 

     

    Post # 88
    Member
    630 posts
    Busy bee

    Legally, yes.  My current husband and I were both in the process of divorces when we began our relationship.  They were the kind of neverending divorces that are tied up in court over nonsense and the actual “living together and working on the marriage” part of BOTH of them were long since over and both ex’s had moved on… but still we were each still LEGALLY married to someone else when we started so yeah…

    I think in those situations of “the other woman” (and that was how my first marriage ended, BTW) I place most of the blame on the married party – it’s their job to honor their vows first and foremost… BUT – I do place some moral repsonsibility on the individual who knew that person was married and chose to get involved. Not ALL… but SOME.

    In cases where the married party (guy OR girl)  convincingly lied and said they were divorced/separated/single… then they assume ALL the responsibility.

    Post # 89
    Member
    644 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I said yes, but it was kind of a grey area – they’d been on an indefinite “break” (her choice) for a couple of months. We started hanging out, but when things became more serious with us (i.e. we actually were about to start dating) he broke up with her. It wasn’t the cleanest of breakups though. Oh, and now he’s my Fiance 🙂

    Post # 90
    Member
    644 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    Yes, when I was 19. Young and dumb. He was married with kids and lived in another state. He was going to leave his wife for me. His wife found out, we still kept in touch for maybe about a year give or take. I regret it.

    Post # 91
    Member
    3170 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    @Mimoza:  I stated in a later comment that I was being sarcastic. He wouldn’t cheat on me today because he is a completely different man than he was. His morals have changed.

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