(Closed) Spin off: have you ever been the "other woman?"

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Have you ever been the "other woman?"
    Yes : (245 votes)
    47 %
    No : (279 votes)
    53 %
  • Post # 92
    Member
    2966 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @Birdee106:  Oh sorry. I didn’t read through everything. 

    Post # 93
    Member
    3170 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    @Mimoza:  No problemo, no need for an apology! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 94
    Member
    2966 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @Birdee106:  I am sure you had a lot to do with his morals changing! ๐Ÿ™‚ 

    I’m not saying that women who can’t change their partners aren’t good…but it takes a special kind of person to steer a grown adult in to a right path. So. Teach me your ways? ๐Ÿ˜›

    Post # 95
    Member
    4523 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @eocenia:  You’re dead on, at least in my experience with my former best friend who married the guy I was dating: I truly think they felt horrendous. It was never what the ‘stereotypical harlot’ would say in response, like “sorry sweetie, he’s MY man now”, it was “i’m so, so sorry. I know it wasnt right and we just didnt know what to do.”  Ya know what? I buy that in their case. They were very good friends, and she set us up and they probably realized they truly wanted to be with EACHOTHER.

    So yeah: after my best friend of YEARS *married* the man I was dating, I STILL feel there are alot of grey areas to this.

    Post # 96
    Member
    4161 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    Kind of…

    My ex cheated on me after being together for about 4 years (from the time we were 15-19), he admitted it to me and I immediately moved back in with my family, about 1.5 hours away in another city.  Silly, young me, I thought it was a good idea to still hook up with this guy and possibly get back together.  He would come pick me up, I would spend the weekends with him and our dog (which he kept.)  One time when he was in the shower, I was snooping around and found a card from the girl he had cheated on me with.  It was dated, so I realized THEY WERE STILL TOGETHER and I had NO idea.  I felt DISGUSTING.  As soon as he got out of the shower, I made him drive me home and I never saw him again.  So I guess he cheated on the girl that he cheated on me with…double negetive? lol whatever.  He’s been married and divorced already, while I’m still happily married.

    Post # 97
    Member
    823 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @soontobemrsm11:  I agree, while I was sorry for hurting another person, I wouldn’t change any of it. It made me a lot stronger and a lot more willing to stand up for myself and what I want. And it brought me to my Fiance, because had things in life played out even a fraction differently, who knows if we would have met or worked out? I do believe everything happens for a reason and that our experiences, good and bad, make us who we are. 

    Post # 98
    Member
    3170 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    @Mimoza:  Ha, this is very true. But I can’t take the credit. I took him to church and prayed for him.

    Post # 99
    Member
    8470 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Not that I know of…

    Post # 100
    Member
    1572 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Twice, and neither time I knew I was the other woman. One of the guys was MARRIED and told me that he was single – and not married but separated. As in fully married and the wife thought things were just dandy. He never wore his wedding band around me, if he wore one. He told me he was single, but had an ex who was going through some rough times, and they were now friends. In retrospect, I NEVER went over to his house even once. It never seemed fishy though, he lived about an hour from me, and worked near me. The other guy was just dating another girl (but they were exclusive). I was at a bar with friends, and the girl was there. We were having a grand old time (it turns out, one of my close guy friends was there and trying to keep her and I from talking – at the time, he felt loyalty to the guy b/c “bros before hos” and all that. He’s apologized to me over and over for that whole situation). A few nights before, the guy had gone on and on about how amazing I was and how he wanted to be exclusive, blah blah blah. Anyway, so the girl and I are chatting and becoming friends, and we’re both like, “Oh my boyfriend lives near here! I should invite him! You’d love him!” Like out of a movie. And neither of us realize who we are both dating yet. And then we did. I was just like, I have to go I can’t deal with this. She went over to his place to yell at him. I bowed out b/c I wanted no part of that, and she was with him first so i guess i left it up to her. They ended up dating for a while after that, and I guess he cheated on her many more times and she was mad about it, but not enough to break things off.

    Post # 101
    Member
    329 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    I was. He was dating a girl for 6 years, and was jusr about to move 2 hours away to live with her after he finished college for his new job. We met that summer before he left in July in our college town and started hanging out. I knew what he, and I, were doing, and I can’t say I felt good about it. But he was extremely unhappy (his parents and all his friends told me so, even when it was going on) and he was only still with her for financial reasons. I’m not proud of it, but we are engaged and happier than ever. He never would have married her, so it’s not as if I stole him from his devoted other half. I’m not making excuses, but I don’t feel as if I did something terrible. I think it was for the better, for him and her: we are now engaged, and so is she to someone who really loves her. And I’ve been hated and name-called for a long time, so if you feel as if you must, go ahead and bash me. Won’t bother me at all ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 102
    Member
    3039 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @VegasSukie: I can see the value of just being more tolerant of situations that have nothing to do with you in the first place. 

    Very well put, this is one of the things I try to remind myself of when my initial reaction is to judge another person (because of course that still happens)!

    I also agree that this has been a way more polite thread than I had expected. It’s a very sensitive topic and people are often on either side of the bell curve – each side strongly defending their believes/actions. I think it speaks for this community that most of us have kept a nice tone through, even when our viewpoints are not the same!

    @badabing88: There certainly is!

    If anyone do the entire “sorry sweetie, he’s MY man now” thing – I can understand why people judge you, you’re obviously not interested/capable of putting yourself in someone else shoes and feel empathy. I AM very glad that I ended up with my Fiance and I won’t apologize for that. However, I did feel like I owed his ex an apologize for causing her pain. If she hadn’t accepted it, I would have understood and accepted that – so I’m truly grateful for the fact that she did. I could imagine that your friend might feel the same when it comes to you!

    Post # 103
    Member
    1004 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @chasesgirl:  A similar situation happened to me, only the girl didn’t take it as well as the girl you described. We had a mutual friend who stopped talking to me because of how Fiance and I got together.

    They were the annoying “are they together again or what?” couple/friends for years (thru high school and college).

    After college, our mutual friend told Fiance to ask me out, and he did. We hit it off instantly. Turns out, that a few weeks before that he had visited the on-again, off-again, friends-sometimes-with-benefits girl and they “talked” about getting together, possibly, maybe, except neither of them really wanted to do long distance.

    After a week of casually dating me, Fiance told her there was no chance of them happening again. She was SUPER pissed, convinced our mutual friend to drop me, and has not really talked to Fiance since, but is now engaged to somebody else.

    I felt bad about it as soon as I found out how it went down, because I wasn’t sure if Fiance was trying to play me and/or her, but soon I could tell that he might be the *one*, and he felt the same about me. I think part of her anger was that they were always one anothers “fall back” relationship, and he was done with that part of his life and moving on without her.

    Post # 104
    Member
    5399 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I voted yes but it’s not black and white. I started dating a guy I really liked for a couple of months and then his “ex” girlfriend told him she was pregnant. I’m assuming there was some overlap between us both but I had no idea because he said they were broken up, and they had been living together but weren’t anymore. He claims she waited a few months to tell him she was pregnant but I don’t know what the truth is. I don’t feel bad because I had no clue and would not have ever intentionally dated a taken man, and we did not sleep together. He was pretty shady in many ways so I dodged a bullet and found an amazing man.

    Post # 105
    Member
    54 posts
    Worker bee

    No, I have never been the “other woman.” I find men who are willing to cheat to be incredibly unattractive. It is an automatic turn-off and I see it as a huge character flaw. I think honesty, loyalty and faithfulness are incredibly sexy and a huge draw – that is certainly what I look for in a life partner. A man willing to cheat with me would certainly have no reservations about cheating on me.

    When I discovered my ex-SO of almost 6 years (3 years common-law) had a 17 year old girlfriend on the side who he had been dating for several months without my knowledge, I dropped him like a hot potato. He cried like a baby when I dumped him the second I found out. I was fully moved out within weeks. Can you say “deal-breaker”? I was happy to let her have him – she was certainly welcome to a cheater but I was not interested in a long-term relationship with someone capable of cheating. I certainly wasn’t mad at her – I felt something more akin to pity. Interestingly he dumped her within weeks of me leaving anyway.

    Cheating isn’t really the deal-breaker though. The real problem is the lying that goes with it. I didn’t want to live a lie and spend my life wondering what was true and what was a lie.

    Months later I met my amazing SO and we have been together happily for 4 years. He’s never cheated, in our relationship or in any past ones. He’s honest and earnest and I love that about him.

    Post # 106
    Member
    2497 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @Birdee106:  My husband and I have a history very similar to yours. When we first met, he was still legally married, but separated from his wife (i.e. not living together). We began dating shortly after I filed for divorce. We’ve been together for almost 7 years now and for 6 years, I was technically the ‘other woman’ (their divorce was finalized several months before we got married). Another similarity: he’s 21 years older than me. 

    As someone who was raised in a very conservative, religious, and strict household, I do feel guilty about our actions. But there’s no point in dwelling on the past. We’ve remedied the situation and moved on; in fact, I’ve even met and interacted with his ex-wife and will be seeing her again next week at their daughter’s high school graduation. 

    When I was married to my first husband, he had a fling (maybe 2?) and I kind of suspected it. When I asked him about it, he got all defensive and mean, then sweet-talked me into letting it go. So I’ve been in both positions. And they both suck. Finding out that I was the “clueless wife” hurt like a badly sprained ankle (initial sharp pain that slowly, almost imperceptibly goes away). But being the other woman hurt like a herniated disc (constant pain that flares up at random times and takes your breath away when you least expect it).

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