(Closed) Spin off: have you ever been the "other woman?"

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Have you ever been the "other woman?"
    Yes : (245 votes)
    47 %
    No : (279 votes)
    53 %
  • Post # 107
    Member
    3170 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

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    @Miss Mauverick:  Oh man, your desrciption of the pain is spot on. Those three years were some of the hardest I’ve ever experienced.

    Post # 108
    Member
    4428 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    @MrsPanda99:  yes i have been the other women but i did not know that i was and as soon as i did find out it was over! i dont play second best.

    Post # 109
    Member
    4522 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

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    @Miss Mauverick:  My mother is going through her 5th divorce right now, and her and her soon-to-be-ex seperated in February when the divorce was filed.

    She calls me last week madder than hell, saying “he has a girlfriend now! we arent even divorced! he’s CHEATING!”

    I had to keep from laughing when I explained to her: “you agreed to divorce on February 1st and you both moved out. It’s over 3 months later and he’s dating someone? Sorry, that doesnt make him a cheater.”

    My mother isnt very rational, though, and is now referring to this woman to others as his “mistress” *eyeroll*

    In my book, “seperated”=fair game.

    Post # 110
    Member
    3038 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

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    @Miss Mauverick: But being the other woman hurt like a herniated disc (constant pain that flares up at random times and takes your breath away when you least expect it).


    Yes, thank you for that description!

    Often the other woman is painted as the home wrecker that take some type of sadistic pleasure in breaking up a happy, healthy, relationship. Nothing could have been further away from that, then how I felt when I was in that position. It was a raging storm of emotions, but pleasure or smugness was certainly not in the mixture! It was more like constant worrying and crying and second guessing myself and my now Fiance.

    I’ve encountered people that have more or less labelled me as having some type of genetic flaw for being capable of having an affair. I truly don’t believe that things are that black and white, it’s just that life happens and all of a sudden you’re in a situation that you’ve certainly not planned, could never have pictured yourself in and that you have no idea how to handle!

    Post # 111
    Member
    2465 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

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    @Birdee106:  Yep, those 6 years were emotionally draining. We’ve been through a lot together and it’s definitely helped our relationship become as strong as it is now. 

     

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    @badabing88:  I completely agree with that: if you’ve filed for divorce, both parties are fair game. But when a couple is “separated”, they’re still legally married; which means that he is legally tied to her, not you, despite the closeness/strength of your relationship. It’s a grey area that requires a huge amount of trust and confidence. That one hurts. 

     

    View original reply
    @eocenia:  You’re welcome; glad to help Wink. Sometimes trying to explain the emotional pain of being the “other woman” just doesn’t work. It’s hard to express the complex situations and emotional reactions you deal with regularly, and comparing it to physical pain (which it sometimes is) can help others understand that struggle a bit better. 

    Post # 112
    Member
    3051 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

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    @TattedNYBride:  AMEN! I know I wouldn’t be with my SO now if I hadn’t been through that. & even if by some miracle I was, I wouldn’t appreciate what I have now. You have to know bad to know good!

    Post # 113
    Member
    4605 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I have been, twice, although I didn’t know it until after the fact. 

    The first guy I met at a concert through a mutual friend. He’d been trying to set us up for a few months, but I had never been able to make it to a show until then. We dated for about three months and one weekend he went off for some “bro bonding time”. The day that he came back, I was hanging out at his apartment to surprise him. Well, I ended up surprised when he walked in with his new wife, and he played it off like I was a cousin that had “gotten the apartment ready for them”. Needless to say, I was pretty pissed at the mutual friend since he failed to mention the fact that the guy was getting married. 

    The second guy was a good friend of mine. We’d known each other for quite a while, but he joined the military and we lost touch. He came home and called me one night telling me he’d gotten into a huge fight with his uncle and needed a place to crash so I told him he could stay with me. We ended up sleeping together, he left and I didn’t hear from him for a week. He eventually did contact me and apologized for lying. Apparently, the fight was with his wife (he’d been married for 3 years) over the paternity of their son. 

    I felt really bad about both situations even though I really didn’t have any way of knowing about either of their wives.

    Post # 114
    Member
    2807 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    i was with an ex, but i didn’t know it at the time. i guess that both of us girls were the “other woman” cause neither of us were aware of the other. he kept everything a secret. i didn’t find out until a long time after it all began.

    Post # 115
    Member
    1377 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I have three time. First time, I had been dating this guy casually, we went for winter break (this was college) and he got back together with his ex-but didn’t tell me. We got back to school, we made out a bunch of times and right before she was supposed to come for a visit, he told me (super small school and I would’ve found out). We made out once after when he called me up and I was lonely. He broke up with the Girlfriend shortly after and we remained friends, although I was realizing that his behavior stemmed from just being super messed up emotionally. In the years since, he’s sworen off women and now only dates men.

    Second time, he was a guy who lived in a different town who I made out with occasionally. I was passing through his town, so I called him up to get a drink. He was getting ready to move across the country (a long planned move) so it didn’t even occur to me that he could have a Girlfriend. We met at a bar, drank, flirted and kissed. He pulled away and told me that he had a Girlfriend and wanted to stop. I sat there kinda mad and stunned, then he changed his mind and kissed me again. Well, the first few kisses had sent my hormones haywire and I reallllly wanted to make out with him, so I didn’t push him away.

    But the biggie was when I kissed and had an emotional affair with a guy who had long-term Girlfriend and had a child with her. We were friends and after a year, I began to get feelings for him. His relationship was in trouble (she had taken off with their kid and barely saw him for months) and he told me that he loved me more but he couldn’t make a clean break because of the kid. Eventually they broke up and he and I started dating and sleeping together, but I could never truly trust him. I don’t regret it because it taught me a lot about myself and what I want in relationships and in a partner.

    Post # 116
    Member
    2113 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    Technically yes. It was high school and I really wanted my “friends” to like me, so I allowed one of them to take advantage even though he had a girlfriend at the time. He broke up with her during that time. Silly me took that to mean we were gonna start going out. Nope, during one of our meetings, he says he’s gonna ask out some other girl. It was around that time I finally got some self respect and walked away from that toxic social group.

    Post # 117
    Member
    1359 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    ME!!!! I didnt even know it! My ex had a gf and a BABY with her and dated me for about six months. That ended the second I found out. He actually introduced me to my current FI! Good thing they are nothing alike. Funny how things work out!

    Post # 118
    Member
    1621 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

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    @Birdee106:  I appreciate your honesty.  

     

    Post # 119
    Member
    633 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    In college, I had a huge crush on a guy…like, HUGE, instant, can’t-stop-thinking-about-him crush. AND we hit it off right away. It was several weeks into our friendship when I found out that he had a girlfriend, and by that time, my only goal was to get him to like me more and my friends talked me up to him all the time, hoping he would dump her. We ended up hooking up here and there, but he stayed with her. I was definitely in denial, pretending that I didn’t care and I was gonna do what I wanted. Well, I ended up not feeling as bad in the end, b/c she was apparently doing the same thing to him. I’m still not clear on whether their relationship was ‘open’ if if he just had a ‘different zip codes’ rule…b/c he ended up telling her about me and she didn’t care. I’m actually still friends with him.

    I was also the ‘other woman’ another time and had NO IDEA! It’s kind of long story, but he was a long-distance relationship. He traveled a lot for work, but was close enough to visit me every weekend or every other weekend for a few months. He kind of disappeared on me a couple time, but always popped back up with excuses, and I believed him. I ended up catching him in a a lie about where he was working, b/c I hadn’t heard from him in 2 weeks. I told him he was scum and to never contact me again. Well, it was a month later when his LIVE-IN GIRLFRIEND called me, wondering who I was and what our relationship was! She thought I was a current gf! I told her everything, and she believed me. We e-mailed back and forth for a while, and eventually stopped…it was just so awkward for me. I know that she stayed with him at the time, b/c he owed her a lot of money, but I’m not sure what happened with them in the end…it was a MESS!

     

    I made a lot of bad choices in college…haha. But those are different stories…

    Post # 120
    Member
    2861 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Yep I knowingly started dating a HS boyfriend who was married. Well I guess I should say talked to, he lived 45 mins away and I could never bring myself to cross the final line of actually seeing him/sleeping with him. It was awful and I eventually told his wife when she confronted me. Turns out their infant was a product of HER affair and I was really the least of their marital woes. Still feel bad about it to this day, she friended me on FB I guess to keep tabs on me and they are still together but i have no doubt he’s still cheating on her. It’s one f the worst things I’ve ever done and will never really forgive myself. 

    Post # 121
    Member
    981 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Uh, no! A tiger does’t lose its stripes, no matter what the current “lucky” lady thinks.

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