(Closed) Spin off: have you ever been the "other woman?"

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Have you ever been the "other woman?"
    Yes : (245 votes)
    47 %
    No : (279 votes)
    53 %
  • Post # 122
    Member
    766 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    This thread is so interesting. As much as society likes to look down on and judge cheating partners/spouses, some happy relationships and marriages begin with infidelity. I do believe that no one “steals” anyone from anyone else: there are always other factors at play that no one – no matter how close to the couple they may be – can ever totally understand.

    I was the “other woman” – to my knowledge – once. I’m absolutely NOT proud of it. At first I was unaware. We met in a bar, I was 20. Young and dumb. Over the next few weeks it came out in bits and pieces (first he was single, then they were “on and off, but currently off”, then they were about to move in together), but after I knew the full extent I still saw him 1-2 more times. It got to a point where I couldn’t sleep, partly because I was so ashamed and partly because I felt so bad that she was about to move in with a cheater. I tried to put myself in her shoes: If it were me and I was about to make that big of a commitment to someone, would I want to know? The answer was yes, so I told him to tell her or I would. PLEASE don’t flame me for that, I know that was a mistake. Well, he flipped out and told her, and the very last contact I had with either of them was a nasty note from her, which I suppose I deserved.

    While I knew he was in a relationship and still saw him, he was the one who went out of his way to see me and told his girlfriend bold-faced LIES about what he was doing and who he was with. So yes, I do believe he holds most of the responsibility in this situation and I do believe he’ll cheat again. But that conclusion is based solely on my experience with him and not on a general rule.

    Post # 123
    Member
    2457 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I was the other woman, but didn’t know it. When I found out, I shut that shit down real fast. 

    Post # 124
    Member
    1379 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    @capitalbee:  I agree. While I’m sure there are situations where the third party keeps going at  someone trying to resist them until they eventually gives in, I think most cheaters are the ones initiating the cheating-and the other man/woman either doesn’t know or just gives in because they are lonely/horny/have low self-esteem.

     

    Post # 125
    Member
    1848 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    Nope, never was. 

    Post # 126
    Member
    2091 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I was unknowingly the other woman once. He lied so much to the both of us. He even tried to make her visit her family on a holiday so that he could pretend he lived alone and have me come by and visit… There was another time that I went out with a guy on a first date and he said he was getting divorced. He even showed me the divorce paperwork he was working on, but I got out of there… I deserve to be the one and only, not a side chick. I respect relationships, even when I was single. What is funny about that is women are always paranoid around, like I am a man thief! I can find my own man, thank you anyway…

    Post # 127
    Member
    6354 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Nope. Can’t tolerate cheaters at all… couldn’t even be casual friends with one.

    Post # 128
    Member
    1474 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    @Birdee106 & @eocenia & @badabing88

     

    I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your stories and your perspectives.  With such a taboo and touchy subject its always so easy to take the typical judgemental and critical viewpoint. However, its interesting almost refreshing to get insight as to how this actually happens, the why behind the what and the success at times…I don’t condone cheating, who does, but I now have a deeper understanding of things like this because of your willingness to share and be honest. I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason…so that helps as well.

    Post # 129
    Member
    2399 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    Sadly I was and knew it. I’m not proud of it. he ended up leaving her for me then a year later cheated on me with her and I currently married and happy to her. It worked out for both of us(: I’ve always felt the need to say sorry to her though for some reason.

    Post # 130
    Member
    225 posts
    Helper bee

    I’ve actually had a part in all 3 sides of a love triangle before…all in the same summer before college. it gives you a perspective on things.

    Being the other woman: This girl A had a “best friend” C that she had been “dating” for awhile, but they never got to see each other and C blamed A for that, and was emotionally abusive and always brought A down. I started as A’s really good friend but then she admitted she liked me… and from there it was just like magnetism. I was so overprotective of her because she was my friend and I also felt so strongly for her, but she just wouldn’t break up with C. It was pretty traumatic for all parties involved and I wouldn’t do it again. 

    Being the cheater: This happened just before that ^^ scenario. Probably what got me all messed up. I was the one in the abusive relationship, and it had gotten to the point where literally every night he would break up with me. One time he broke up with me and didn’t respond to me for 5 days. I took that as it was finally done. During that time I had started becoming less attached to him and more attached to one of my friends, J, and we ended up kissing. Of course that’s the night my bf comes back to me, so I immediately break up with him instead of the other way around because I feel like dirt. This was another really messy situation but I do not regret anything because J ended up saving me, albeit through a dirty and unconventional method. I actually have a tattoo to commemorate this part of my life and finally becoming free of it.

    Being cheated on: This was probably the least traumatic because it happened last and I was hardened. I knew this guy was bad news (literally the lyrics from the taylor swift song here, hahah) , but I was rebounding hard from all of the above drama.. and basically he made up a bunch of hilarious lies that were completely transparent, but in the end I was still a little hurt because, I mean, who wouldn’t be?

    whoo! That was long. Sorry :’) 

    Post # 131
    Member
    1252 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Nope, never! 

    Post # 133
    Member
    1877 posts
    Buzzing bee

    If someone knowingly facilitates cheating, they are just as bad as the cheater to me.   It’s not your fault if the man lied to you saying he was single, but if you know a man is spoken for and you go after him, that is utterly classless and just plain wrong.  Especially if he is married-  if you knowingly pursue a married man, in my book, that makes you a home wrecker.  I have zero sympathy for women that go after taken men.  Any woman with healthy self esteem and good values would prefer to be with a man who is uncommitted and able to give her his all.  Women with healthy self esteem also prefer to date men who do not cheat, and know that if he did it with you that there is a statistically higher chance he will do it to you.  Sure, there are exceptions and maybe you’ll luck out and beat the odds, but not everyone will.  You deserve to live with that knowledge and fear every day. And when I see a woman who cheated with a man later get cheated on by him… let’s just say I don’t feel sorry for her.  You knowingly picked a cheater and were so conceited you thought you could change him… You fully deserve to enjoy the sorry excuse for a man you chose. There are plenty of good men out there who do not cheat, so why do women keep settling for dogs?  It makes me crazy.

     

    Post # 134
    Member
    5005 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2018

    Sort of. I didn’t know about it. When FH and I started dating/spending time together/whatever you want to call the pre-relationship stage, he technically still had a girlfriend. He hadn’t spoken to her for weeks, but I don’t know if he had officially broken up with her. She was more than a little bit nuts, though, so I think he figured just ignoring her was the easiest, most drama-free way to go about it. 

     

    Post # 135
    Member
    436 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2010

    @DJones69:  LOL, and your dad knows every person in every situation.

    Post # 136
    Member
    4304 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @joya_aspera:  Well that’s hard.  I am not sure how many people just say hi, my name is joe, and I’m a cheater.

    Who knows what people really do behind closed doors.

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