(Closed) SPIN OFF: having feelings for other men…

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Did you at any point have feelings for another person while engaged?

    Yes

    No

  • Post # 17
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    The thing I don’t get about these posts is that if these girls have feelings for these other guys… WHY ARE THEY STILL TALKING TO THEM? Look, I get feelings for other guys sometimes. It’s in my character to get crushes on new guys easily. But you know what I do? I STOP TALKING TO THEM. And then the feelings disappear, and usually if I do resume talking to them, the feelings don’t come back. Because no one is as awesome as my husband.

    Post # 20
    Member
    2513 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I don’t have anyone in my mind other than SO, but “feelings” is such a vague word to me. I think people experience harmless crushes. I think people are attracted to other people. Infatuation is not the same as having feelings. Honestly, I don’t even really understand the term. The phrases “in love” and “having feelings” both make me think of infatuation. Phrase I can’t stand the most? “I love you but, I’m not in love with you.” That is a crock of meaningless garbage to me. I understand falling in love, but in the context of actual love. I think too many people ( for instance, cheaters ) will claim they fell in love with someone when what they really mean is “I found someone attractive and had a crush, so I decided to draw closer to them with the hope of eventually sleeping with them in the back of my mind.”

     

     

    Post # 21
    Member
    501 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @Laurenskii:  I can objectively acknowledge the attractiveness (or unattractiveness) of other men, but I’m confident none of them are as good a match for me as Fiance, so it’s a non-issue.  Same goes for Fiance, I certainly don’t expect him to not notice hot women, but they’re not going to be his ‘teammate’, you know?  Certainly I’m not so naive as to think neither of us could ever fall for someone else, but we just ‘work’ on such an important, fundamental level that I don’t see establishing that connection elsewhere as very likely.

    Post # 23
    Member
    5950 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2018

    View original reply
    @Nona99:  meh…of course she has feelings for this other guy, he’s handsome, interested and she’s completely oblivious to all his weird, gross, bizarre habits and any troubles he may have…so of course that trumps her Fiance…she knows EVERYTHING about that guy, probably more than she wants to know….and if she’s thinking running to some other dudes arms is going to solve anything, better her Fiance finds out now, before they’re married that she’s one of THOSE chicks…

    Post # 24
    Member
    7601 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I’m amazed too. Even though my husband and I are going through a tough period I never even think twice about men. Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely some guys around that I think are attractive but I have never wanted to pursue anything sexually with them. I also have not had emotional feelings for anyone else that caused me to doubt my relationship. If I did I would immediately cut that person out of my life.

    Post # 25
    Member
    3551 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    While engaged no. While we were dating…for a bit. Fiance and I were in an LDR and were fighting a lot. I made a bunch of new friends who like to stay up late talking. One of them was a guy who was going through some major mental health problems. We ended up talking alone quite a bit because I had dealt with similar issues a few years earlier. We later became roommates (this happened in college) along with some other friends and it became clear just how much of an immature ass the guy was. We’re still kinda friends, but there are no feelings whatsoever now.

    Post # 26
    Member
    1332 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Maybe I am really lucky, and madly in love, but from the moment I ‘knew’ – as in really knew my SO (now FI), I have not looked back or forward or toward anyone else. 

    SURE, I am human, and obviously can recognize a really good-looking guy, but then I turn back to my Fiance and he flashes the smile that I know and love, or says the dumbest thing I have heard to date, and I know that I am ‘good’ (no, great!). 

    I just cannot imagine sharing that level of intimacy, and comfortability with anyone else, even when he is my last GD nerve, or pissing me off, or NOT listening to a word I say…

    AND even if I could imagine it, would quickly think about all the moments and hours I have invested in this one, and would still choose him every day of the week, and twice on Sundays!!

     

    Post # 28
    Member
    1722 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 1998

    They are committing themselves to one person for a lifetime. Getting married doesn’t mean you die. He still looks at other people. I still look at other people. That’s the line. Going off and flirting with others, having an affair, etc., is something different – though of course if couples agree to that, I see no problem at all with it.

    I can find other men attractive. I’ve even met men who leave me thinking, “Woo, he would’ve been a nice match.” It ends there. Everyone is different in how they handle attraction, and I don’t believe we’re all strictly monogamous creatures (people can be socially monogamous, sexually monogamous, etc. – monogamous is quite the blanket term).

    I’d be dumb to think my husband’s never met another engaging woman who hasn’t, from time to time, given him feelings. Most of us getting married for the first time have probably another 50 or so years to go in the marriage. In the course of a lifetime, it’s just unrealistic that other attractions – some perhaps even serious – wouldn’t be there. You can control your actions…but not always your feelings. You can control, of course, how you channel those feelings.

    The day will likely come when my husband has a crush on a co-worker. I can stick my head in the sand and pretend he has eyes for no other, or I can live in the real world and accept that both of us, realistically, will encounter several possible matches over the course of a lifetime. Folks we might have married, been attracted to, etc., if not for each other. The world doesn’t stop spinning when you get married.

    That said, if cheating is a serious desire or if you’re otherwise unhappy with your fiance, the writing’s on the wall that it’s probably not a good idea to get hitched, at least at that time. But there’s a balance. I think the “feelings for others” thing can go too far in the other direction.

    I see women on here all the time insisting their husbands don’t look at porn, don’t check out other women, don’t masturbate, etc., because they’re “totally” devoted to the wife. I don’t buy it. I don’t think the wives buy it, either. But they’re in this “either/or” black or white dichotomy and don’t see that there can be an in-between.

     

    Post # 29
    Member
    1784 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Does having a crush on the entire cast of a tv show count as feelings?

    Post # 30
    Member
    1684 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Many years ago (I’ve been with my Fiance for 8 years now), I did have feelings for someone else.  We broke up because of it.  A year of being single later, I realized that I had emotionally looked outside of my relationship because my at-the-time boyfriend wasn’t fullfilling my needs.  However, I had never stopped loving him.

    We got back together and worked on the communication issues we had.  4 years later, we got engaged and we’ve been engaged for a year.

    While I don’t ever recommend my path, it enabled me to realize that I chose my fiance because he is the most wonderful person in the world to me, and I will love him until the day I die.  Since we got back together, I’ve never doubted my choice to be with him, and I’ve never looked outside my relationship again.  I have no doubts or hesitations about marriage.  I know I’m marrying “the one.”

    So no, I haven’t had feelings for anyone but my fiance since we got engaged.  However, I do understand the mistakes that lead to accidently falling for someone else. 

    Post # 31
    Member
    2703 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I said yes, but it depends on what one means by “feelings.”  I argree with

    View original reply
    @MsW-to-MrsM:   that “feelings” is such a vague word.  I’ve had innocent little crushes on other men but nothing that I’d consider acting on or pursuing.  Usually this last for only a few encounters then it’s gone.  I’ll wonder what it’d be like to be with someone different, but it doesn’t take long for me to decide that I don’t care, I like DH better.

    I’ve also notice, that when I find myself feeling this way, it’s about other men who have different qualities than my H.  H isn’t very assertive and is very shy and sweet.  But sometimes I wonder what it’d be like to be with a guy who knows how to get shit done, take the lead, and is more outgoing. It’s like hey, that’s different, I wonder what it’s like. I love variety in my life and I’m terribly curious.  I actually put off dating H for a long time because I was worried I would get antsy and want to date someone else just because I wanted a new experience.  So it isn’t surprising that I wonder about other men and what they are like and how they kiss.  But I love H and am definitely committed to him.  At the end of the day, he’s the one I want to come home to and share my life with.  I might be curious about other men, but not that much and definitely not to the point where I’d consider acting on anything.

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