(Closed) SPIN OFF: having feelings for other men…

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Did you at any point have feelings for another person while engaged?

    Yes

    No

  • Post # 32
    Member
    417 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I completely agree with you.  I have a friend who’s doing the same thing… Engaged since April and already having feelings for another guy.  I just don’t understand how someone can agree to marry someone and then decide they have feelings for someone else.  Most often a couple discusses marriage before a proposal comes a long and at that point both parties should know that this is the person they want to spend their lives with.  I get that sometimes things change and marriages don’t work out, but how can you start a marriage knowing that one person was having feelings for someone else?

    I mean I know that my fiance sees other women as attractive and I see other men and think some of them are attractive which is normal, but I know that that’s where it ends and neither one of us would ever think of taking it any further.  My heart would break if I found out that they day we get married my fiance was thinking about another woman or wondering if he was making a mistake.

    Ladies, don’t agree to marry someone unless you are 100% sure that this is the one!

    Post # 33
    Member
    443 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

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    @CookieCreamCakes:  +1. Totally agree with everything you’ve said!

    Post # 34
    Member
    9950 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I am very secure in WHO I am… so whenever I made up my mind to get Engaged / Married (both the first time, and this time round)… I had no interest in other men.  Period.

    I think if someone is having a wandering eye while they are Engaged… there is most certainly an issue… RED FLAG a wavin’

    Lol, that doesn’t mean that once someone is married, that you don’t look.  Cause you do… I think that is pretty normal (some sort of temptation).  Commitment over the long run, after you’ve seen ALL that the other person brings to the table is hard… Marriage is hard.

    IT IS WHAT YOU DO with those feelings, that matter.

    I made it a plan in my first marriage, that if that sort of stuff came up I would avoid interaction with the person who was causing this in my life (didn’t matter if it was them flirting with me, or my being attracted to them)

    This is also one of the reasons that I (and Mr TTR) as Encores are BIG BELIEVERS in the idea that when it comes to men in particular, they cannot be 100% “not interested” in a woman they are seeing one-on-one on an on-going basis… honestly we’ve just seen TOO MANY TIMES where someone has gotten hurt… either the friendship between the guy & gal, or the guy and the woman’s Hubby, or the Marriage entirely (someone stepped out beyond the acceptable boundary).

    So our motto now is… WHY TEMPT IT ?  JUST DON’T DO IT TO BEGIN WITH.

    Too much time one-on-one with someone of the opposite sex tends to lead to “emotional cheating” and that opens the door far to often to more.

    Not worth it.

    Hope this helps,

     

    Post # 35
    Member
    9957 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @Laurenskii:  +1!  Agreed. 

    Post # 36
    Member
    9957 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

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    @deetroitwhat:   You’re awesome, love  this reply.  🙂 

    Post # 37
    Member
    830 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Ehhh, I get harmless crushes once in a while, and DH and I laugh about them. I’m a “schoolgirl-at-heart” in that sense. DH is much more practical and logically-minded, where my head is kind of in the clouds. Right now, I have a total crush on a guy at work. It means nothing, I would never act on anything, it just kind of makes getting through the work day a little bit easier. I think if you really, truly, honest-to-God trust each other, it’s not such a big deal. Some of that comes with being together longer, though. I would have freaked out a little bit if I had a crush on a coworker when we were in our “courting” stage. 

    Post # 38
    Member
    3422 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

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    @Jabberwocky:  LOL I wouldn’t count that:)

    Post # 39
    Member
    53 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: January 2011

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    @vorpalette:  I’m the exact same, I haven’t developed feelings for another man in so long, I think I forgot how to do it.

    Been with my Fiance for 6 years, still find other men attractive, but never get that wandering eye thing going on. Just means you’re not really ready to settle down IMO.

    Post # 40
    Member
    11231 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

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    @OUgal0004:  This times a million. 

    Post # 41
    Member
    3084 posts
    Sugar bee

    @Laurenskii:  I think when you love someone you don’t let relationships get that far. There is always going to be someone cuter, more outgoing, adventureous, etc etc. You owe it to your SO not to pursue any of these past friendships.

    I read one today (sorry OP if you are reading this) where this guy tried to kiss her. You were in a hot tub, drinking, in the middle of the night, alone with another man. You would not let yourself get into a position like this if you really loved your SO.

    i think people choose to let themselves get into these situations.

    Post # 42
    Member
    734 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2007

    I honestly don’t even notice guys anymore. The only time I comment on a guy being attractive is if they’re in a movie (and 90% of the time DH agrees with me). I never looked/cared when we were engaged, either.

    I would never have seriously had feelings for anyone other than DH while engaged to him, because I made sure he was who I wanted BEFORE the engagement.

    Post # 43
    Member
    8435 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I don’t see the point of getting married if someone is still interested in other people.  That’s what being single is for.  If I had feelings, or even a crush, on someone other than my husband, I wouldn’t have married him.

    Post # 44
    Member
    95 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    View original reply
    @housebee:  +1

    and also, yes to the whole original post. no feelings at all for other men. not small, not big, not crushes. nothing. 

    Post # 45
    Member
    85 posts
    Worker bee

    @Laurenskii:  I think it’s a HUGE red flag personally.  When I am happy in a relationship I really only have eyes for my fiancé…I don’t see how it’s possible unless boundaries are not in place.  I don’t do anything that would ever put me in a position to harbor feelings for another man.  I met my fiancé when I was married, but I was ready to divorce, and had my eyes more open if you know what I mean.  I think those weak moments are the only time it’s possible.  I am worried for the women marrying someone when they have feelings for others.

    Post # 46
    Member
    2966 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    No. 

    Yeah, sure, when I was first dating FH I would always have the same question:

    • How can I commit to one man for so long? 

    There were so many options around that I could never see myself choosing just one. Well guess what? After meeting oh so many of these options, I found myself getting more and more attracted to FH (beyond just the physical stuff). 
     
    Now that we’re together, and he is so good to me, all I notice is other people’s shortcomings. My mom always said “There will always be something better out there”. TBH, I haven’t seen it yet. Of course on paper there are a few guys that might look better but I would never in a million years give up this level of love, honesty, trust, openness, intimacy and friendship that I have with FH. I realized this way before he proposed (as did he…hopefully anyway). 
     
    He already (as perfect as he is) drives me nuts at times, if anyone else did the sh:t he did, as little as it is, I would flip my shit. 
     
    So end of rant, there it is. No. There are no feelings for anybody else for this girl. 

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