(Closed) SPIN OFF: having feelings for other men…

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Did you at any point have feelings for another person while engaged?
    Yes : (62 votes)
    27 %
    No : (171 votes)
    73 %
  • Post # 47
    Member
    1423 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    At one point, I would have said “never.”  But, if you are in a committed relationship long enough, you very likely will have feelings for others.  If you never do, you are likely just lucky (or haven’t met very many people). 

    Post # 48
    Member
    9079 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    We had a super short engagement. It didn’t even last a full month. So…. no. Didn’t have time to notice other men.

    Post # 50
    Member
    32 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    noticing the opposite sex is normal to me. Like, hmmm that dude is muscular or look at his nice bottom and then i look away. Having feeling for someone else while engaged or married is a NO NO in my books. Once you start to become aware of those feelings, you need to distance yourself from that person ( that is, if you want to keep your current relationship going)

    Post # 51
    Member
    64 posts
    Worker bee

    Like previously mentioned, the term ‘feelings’ is a little too broad.

    I’m not currently engaged, but I have had little harmless crushes or attractions towards other males. I also noticed that during a really hard time in a previous relationship, a couple male friends of mine were being ‘extra’ supportive. I felt myself developing an attraction to them and I started comparing my partner to them along the way.

    But then I caught myself, and I realized that they only looked shiny and new to me BECAUSE my ex and I were going through things. And when we were happy as a couple, I never paid them a second glance. This allowed me to learn patterns to avoid for the future (like not venting to certain male friends etc…) and that when hard times come up, it’s better to turn inwards as a couple instead of out.

    I don’t feel guilty for those past feelings, they are natural. And instead of running away from them, I decided to learn.

     

    Post # 52
    Member
    4304 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    View original reply
    @Sunfire:  Haha you know I always love yours, too 🙂

    Post # 53
    Member
    2268 posts
    Buzzing bee

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    @RunsWithBears:  “I’ve had innocent little crushes on other men but nothing that I’d consider acting on or pursuing.  Usually this last for only a few encounters then it’s gone.  I’ll wonder what it’d be like to be with someone different, but it doesn’t take long for me to decide that I don’t care, I like DH better.

    I’ve also notice, that when I find myself feeling this way, it’s about other men who have different qualities than my H.  H isn’t very assertive and is very shy and sweet.  But sometimes I wonder what it’d be like to be with a guy who knows how to get shit done, take the lead, and is more outgoing. It’s like hey, that’s different, I wonder what it’s like. I love variety in my life and I’m terribly curious.  I actually put off dating H for a long time because I was worried I would get antsy and want to date someone else just because I wanted a new experience.  So it isn’t surprising that I wonder about other men and what they are like and how they kiss.  But I love H and am definitely committed to him.  At the end of the day, he’s the one I want to come home to and share my life with.  I might be curious about other men, but not that much and definitely not to the point where I’d consider acting on anything.

    Exactly this!

    Post # 54
    Member
    1263 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    @Laurenskii:  I get micro crushes here and there, but nothing that I would ever pursue. And when I do get micro crushes, I either just let myself put everything in perspective mentally, or if I really need to, slightly distance myself from whatever person it is on, until it wears off, which is usually within a couple days.

    I see these posts and I cannot help but feel like a lot of them are, or at least started out as, just those sorts of micro crushes, only the ladies didn’t do the distancing or mental realignment needed to get rid of them. Maybe they didn’t know how to, or enjoyed the flutters of the crush so much that they decided not to. 

    I see quite a few ladies commenting how they would never have any feeling at all of any nature ever ever ever for someone else, and how people who do “shouldn’t get engaged.” Well, good for you, that that is how your brain works. But it is important to remember that every body is built differently, every person’s chemical makeup varied, and just like somev women are not visual creatures at all, and some are very visual, so others are more prone to certain things, like micro crushes, than others. It’s what you choose to do with what you have that counts. If you are 100% willing and committed to sqaushing every micro crush because you know your man is the only one you truly love, then I think you are just as equipped to be engaged as the lucky woman who is now blind to all other men. 

    Post # 55
    Member
    762 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    I wouldnt say i had/have “feelings” for other guys but if a hot guy like you said walks by i’ll notice.i think everyone does that. I made the stupid mistake once of cheating on my guy. i wont have “feelings” for any other guy again! i almost lost my guy that way once, never again!

    Post # 56
    Member
    885 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2009

    @Laurenskii:  Well sure I can commit, but do not expect me to never look at other man.  I am not blind.  I would not expect my husband to NEVER look at other women.  As long he does not have feelings for them and is not engaging in inapropriate behavior, I do not see the problem.  In fact, I will point a pretty woman to him whenever I see one.  He always handles it in a joking, respectful manner.  So while I agree with you that engagement = commitment; engagement does not mean to not look at other people or find others attractive.  

    Post # 57
    Member
    4654 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    There’s a big difference between five seconds of “oh I could crush on him”… and letting that moment develop into something more. The first one? Yeah, I think we’ve all had that fluttery feeling with someone briefly, but if you’re satisfied and happy and have agreed to monogamy, I think it’s an important adult skill to know when to go “…but I won’t, moving on.”

    (However, if fictional characters count I may be guilty ;P)

    Post # 58
    Member
    1953 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I can appreciate a good lookingguy. Sure, I will say “whoa, cute butt” or “I could get lost in his eyes” but I don’t get feelings. Or at least I try not to. I’m very happy with FH.

    Post # 60
    Member
    770 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    It’s like being at a museum. You can look, but not touch! I look- I’m married, not dead.

    Post # 61
    Member
    663 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    View original reply
    @likewoah:  Haha I agree with you. For the first… I don’t know… year.. 2 years? of our relationship I probably would’ve said I only have eyes for my Fiance. I think my Fiance is one of the most attractive, hottest guys I have ever seen!!!! But, I have no shame in admitting when I see another attractive person! Most of the time, I avoid other men and don’t really make conversation – like in school for example (I don’t want to lead anyone on). But, it is certainly flattering when another attractive person tells me I’m beautiful/gorgeous too!

    And anyway, I am 100% commited to Fiance for life as far as I’m concerned! In my mind, acknowledging another attractive person is pretty harmless! Especially because I don’t think anyone could ever compare to my Fiance all around. 🙂

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