Spin-off: Is being a MOH/bridesmaid still a honor?

posted 4 days ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Member
2988 posts
Sugar bee

I’ve always considered it an honor. I’ve been a bridesmaid 6 times I think and some weddings have been more of a pain than others, but I’ve never dealt with a true bridezilla, and I was always flattered to be asked and stand up there with my friend! 

Post # 17
Member
4855 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I have never been a bridesmaid (my sister and most of my closest friends are unmarried or were married before I knew them); however, I picked my bridal party based on my dearest friends how had always been there for me and I knew supported my relationship and marriage.

They did have to buy a driess/rent a tux, but other than that and showing up, that was all that was required. I opted out of a bachelorette, my mom/MIL/cousin co-hosted my bridal shower (only my sister was there, I told the others I didn’t expect them to travel for it), and we offered optional hair & makup and paid for optional mani-oedis.

That all said, it was definitley more for me than them, I thnk. They all seemed enthusiasic and happy, but I have such great memories of the hotel for the night before my wedding and getting ready that day. I felt like they were honoring me and my celebration. I hope they felt honored to be chosen, but I still think it’s become something for the bride/groom, primariily.

Post # 18
Hostess
5004 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
@beewith3:  My perspective comes from being in 7 weddings (2 zillas), in my 30s now.  I feel like being in someone’s wedding is an honor when they are a close friend or family member who is a kind person and don’t have outrageous expectations.  The kind of women who understand if you can’t make it to their pre-wedding events, care about your budget, etc.  Usually you can tell who these brides are in advance.  I’ve genuinely enjoyed celebrating with them, planning (reasonable)  bachelorettes and getting ready the day of; I look back fondly on those memories. 

The two bad (terrible) experience I’ve had were both brides who I knew going in I should’ve said no, but I felt it would hurt feelings and be worse to decline than to suck it up.  I regret not declining up front as I’m not friends with either of these women now and would’ve saved myself a lot of stress and money to just deal with it up front.  

Post # 19
Member
4077 posts
Honey bee

While i am now in my 40s and hope to not have to do it again, I definitely think it’s an honor to be asked to stand next to your closest friend. For my close friends, I enjoy being a big part of their special day and enjoy the pre-wedding events.  

However, I think many people ask acquaintances or people who they were once friends with and I don’t think it’s the same.  

 

 

 

Post # 20
Member
379 posts
Helper bee

It depends on geographical location. I was Maid/Matron of Honor for my sister and she for me. Northern European background and tradition only 1 Maid/Matron of Honor no BMs and no flower girls. No stress or pressure. In North America when I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man I was horrified the cost, the pressure to host a bacherorlette, shower etc. I was one of 5 and we all had the same dress whether it suited us or not. Now I see up to 10 BMs and GMs at some weddings, you would need to be a project manager to wrangle all those people around the parties, dresses and all the other ancillaries. It’s way too stressful even if the bride is not a bridezilla the expectations are there.

Post # 21
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I used to think it was a huge inconvenience and obligation but looking back on the weddings I’ve been in, I see it as an honour now. 

I think it’s important for brides to be mindful of the fact that their wedding is their responsibility and it’s not right or fair to expect attendants to drop everything to attend unnecessary events (unless they offer and genuinely want to come, brides do not need to drag their bridesmaids to their dress fittings, menu tastings, venue tours, etc). I also don’t think it’s fair to demand that bridesmaids help with onerous DIY tasks (again, if they offer and want to do it, that’s different). I’ve also heard of brides who tasked bridesmaids with creating or mailing out invitations, helping with seating plans, calling people who haven’t RSVP’d, etc and I don’t think that’s appropriate. That is work and bridesmaids aren’t there to work–they’re there to stand with you on your wedding day. 

As for expenses, it’s common where I live for bridesmaids to pay for their own dress (in all the weddings I’ve been in, I’ve paid for my dress). When I got married, I told my bridesmaids to just wear shoes and jewellery they already owned and my family and I covered their dress alterations, hair, makeup, transportation on the day of the wedding and hotel accommodations the night before the wedding (I also made it clear that they were free to do their own hair and makeup if they wanted and to skip the hotel if they wanted to go home). I did have a bridal shower but it was hosted by a family friend and my bridesmaids were not asked to plan or pay for anything. 

I did have a bachelorette party that my Maid/Matron of Honor planned but she kept it local so that people wouldn’t be on the hook for multiple meals and hotel rooms. 

All in all, I think it’s still an honour if a bride has reasonable expectations and is mindful of the fact that her friends and family members have lives and financial obligations outside of her wedding. While most of my friends are married, I would not hesitate to stand up in another wedding in the future if someone asked me to. 

Post # 22
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I think it depends on the bride’s attitude. I was in two weddings and while I was happy for the honor, it was a hassle and a lot of pressure for both (and neither bride was even a bridezilla!). For my own wedding, I did not want to stress people out so I told everyone upfront that it was ok if they wanted to decline my offer (none did), did mismatched dresses so everyone could choose their own color/style (I did not have any restrictions at all until I realized that was stressful since no one knew what direction to go- ended up specifying a color range and knee length or longer). The shower and bachelorette were local and cheap and not required- significant others were also welcomed at the bachelorette. No hair/shoes/nails/jewelry requirements- whatever they chose was a-ok with me! They were welcome to join me in getting ready together and we paid for food for everyone as well (didn’t want anyone to go hungry!). So overall it was fairly relaxed and we did not have any drama at all, which was wonderful. 

At the same time, they did take time out of their lives to join me on my day, as well as for the rehearsal. The rehearsal was a potluck, with the main dishes provided by my husband’s family, so they did bring food (significant others were also welcomed to the rehearsal and of course, the wedding). They had to pay for their own dresses, but by dropping almost all requirements, hopefully they were able to find a dress in their price point. I even told them they could wear a dress they already had if they had one they liked! The biggest difficulty was probably on my sister/mother. The bridal shower was good but we had some guests flake out (not any bridesmaids, but still) and the bachelorette was difficult to organize as my sister reserved an area in a rooftop bar and then had issues meeting the minimum cost as people declined last minute. My sister was my maid of honor so I feel sorry that she had to go through that kind of stress, I had not wanted that for her!

Post # 24
Member
3836 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I think it’s an unnecessary burden to put on people. I didn’t have bridesmaids because I didn’t want to give my loved ones a bunch of jobs and tasks to do. I just wanted them to show up and have a good time and enjoy themselves. I also don’t see how it’s an honor to walk down an aisle, stand next to someone for 30 minutes, and then go back down the aisle. I’d rather they sit and be comfortable like all the other guests. Besides I didn’t want anyone else standing up with me. That space and that moment was just for Dh and I and I didn’t want to share it with anyone else.

I also skipped all the pre-wedding stuff because again, I don’t feel that stuff is necessary. They’re just extra events someone has to plan and pay for. The wedding was more than enough of a special event for me and I didn’t need more, despite people offering to host them.

Post # 25
Member
989 posts
Busy bee

Being a bridesmaid doesnt have to come with all these obligations. Mine wore their own (not matching in any ways. Just beautiful like they always are, already owned) clothes and were not asked to organize or pay for anything except their own transportation to the venue like every other guest. Their “job” was to stand by me at the ceremony and stay an extra night in a hotel room we paid for to hang out with my husband and I after the wedding. One of them officiated (church of the internet certified) and the others all signed our marriage certificate as our witnesses. I’m fairly sure that they saw it as an honor. My duties at their weddings were pretty similar (I think for one of them I spent $30 for a brunch? Maybe $15 to get part of a sari altered for another?) and i certainly felt honored.

Ive never understand why people feel entitled to make people wear matching clothes they have to pay for, etc.

Post # 26
Member
1226 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

I’ve been a bridesmaid or maid of honor seven times in the USA. Twice I paid for the dress, but I was always consulted about it (and its price).

I have never paid for anything else–not shoes, jewelry, makeup, hair. I wasn’t involved in hosting or organizing or paying for any parties whatever. I never helped with crafts or decorations or set-up or pull-down. Or shopping for the bridal gown, making favors or centerpieces, travel, or hotels.

I showed up in the dress sober and smiled for the pictures. That is what Miss Manners says are the duties of a bridesmaid, that is what was expected, and that is what I did.

It was always an honor.

Post # 27
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee

I think it depends very much on how it’s handled, but on the whole I agree that most of the time these days it’s not an honor at all.  BMs are mostly used as Instagram props more than anything, it’s so strange.

I had my best friend as my Maid/Matron of Honor and 2 bridesmaids, and then one had to drop out because she was due with a baby about a week before the wedding, lol.  But I let them choose their own dresses so they could find something in their pricepoint, I paid for their hair and makeup as a gift, and my bachelorette party was super low key.  They were an awesome reprieve from the madness of my in-laws and all the other wedding mess and I hope they felt honored, but who actually knows.

Post # 28
Member
61 posts
Worker bee

It’s 2 days later and I’m still thinking about this. What do groomsmen actually do??? Besides throw a bachelor party?

Post # 29
Member
5920 posts
Bee Keeper

Yes I think it is still an honor.  I’ve only done it once though and that person and I no longer talk unfortunately so…..

Post # 30
Member
215 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@beewith3:  

I guess. I’ve been a bridesmaid twice and have no interest in being one again (although I’m a bridesmaid in my friend’s upcoming wedding).

It’s funny though because I was talking to my friend from Utah and she said she had so many girls asking to be in her wedding party (I guess mormon weddings are huge and it’s considered a special/desireable thing to get to be part of the wedding party).

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