Spin-off: Is being a MOH/bridesmaid still a honor?

posted 3 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 31
Member
754 posts
Busy bee

 

Sometimes it’s an honour, and sometimes it’s more like an (unpaid) job.

I’ve been lucky, the weddings I’ve been in have felt very much like an honour. We were included in budget discussions and were never expected to spend beyond what we were comfortable with, or wear anything we didn’t want to.

I’m a groomsmaid in my best friend’s wedding this fall and it has been SO fun so far. I volunteered to host the bachelor party and can’t wait to do it (it will be affordable and pretty casual). It all just feels like a really cheery bonding experience. I’m really happy to be involved in such an important part of my friends’ lives. 

But – based on a lot of the stories I’ve read on here, that is not always the case. A lot of brides seem to see it as a duty that comes with obligations, work and expenses – all to be dictated by the bride. The bridesmaid ‘duties’ should ALL be volunteered and expenses should be optional and discussed beforehand. If a bride has a very specific vision on how she wants all these things to go, she should be willing to foot the bill and do the planning herself. 

Post # 32
Member
5464 posts
Bee Keeper

I’ve been a bridesmaid 5x. It was an honor each time. The only expectation was that I get a dress and show up before the ceremony. In two of these weddings I paid for a bridal shower, but that was my decision, not something expected of me. The trend these days of saddling bridesmaids with all these financial obligations is distasteful. Not everyone wants to attend 3 parties and a go on an expensive trip with someone else’s friends.  (Anyone remember the poster who was upset that one of her bridesmaids didnt attend her engagement party? And of course a bach trip and shower were included in this bride’s celebration of self) The only expenses that should be incurred for a bridesmaid are a dress that is affordable for everyone and a shower gift. No wonder people dont find it an honor to be chosen as a bridesmaid these days. I blame it on the way some kids were raised by my generation: constantly being told how special and wonderful they are, and the need to prove this to themselves and others by posts on social media. Where does the nonsense end?

Post # 33
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

It seems to me that it depends on what kind of relationship you have with your friends. My wife and I have 3-4 friends, everyone who is almost part of the family and it was an honor for them. But my friend gave up this idea because he did an informal wedding where everyone was on an equal footing and it would look too pretentious.

Post # 34
Member
496 posts
Helper bee

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@sharpshooter:  interesting take. I think I agree, although it’s funny because I’m South Asian-American and I feel like it’s super common on social media to see brown/desi people with like 15 bridesmaids! And they all fly out for bachelorette parties and engagement parties/ceremonies too and to me that seems like a lot. But then again, group dress fittings with your bridal party are not really a thing and bridal showers are usually given by family or family friends rather than the bride’s friends.

  • This reply was modified 3 weeks ago by glutton.
Post # 35
Member
496 posts
Helper bee

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@tinytimbo:  So I guess, based on advice from the Bee I never mentioned anything about bachelorette parties or showers to my bridal parties thinking it would be rude of me to ask for them. But then after my wedding most of them said, “oh we didn’t even know you wanted that because you never asked for it. If you had taken more control and just let us know what you wanted, we would have gladly hosted one. You seemed like you didn’t want any of that because you didn’t say anything.” Which then just made me feel so lame. I think in South-Asian American weddings (which is my community), the bride just plans half this stuff herself and asks who all can make it. So while there is a cost and some obligation associated with that, at least things are clear from the beginning and there’s no miscommunication, regrets, or failed expectations on anyone’s part. And that way, no one bridesmaid has to take on the burden of planning the whole thing themselves.

Post # 36
Member
496 posts
Helper bee

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@laurana1:  agree that sometimes being too loose can have the opposite effect! It’s nice to have a hybrid where you specify the color, length, or brand but let them choose the style.

Post # 37
Member
496 posts
Helper bee

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@ineedanaccount:  literally nothing, except get ready with the groom on the morning of. Usually while drinking lol.

Post # 38
Member
10673 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@dobby98:  

Yes l find the notion of it being ‘an honour’ a bit odd . It’s a nice affectionate gesture to ask and accept – providing the bridesmaid is not expected to pay for dresses and such. Bachelorettes/hens nights etc should be entirely optional, like any party , l really don’t get this huge outlay of money and investment of time that seems now normal…

Post # 39
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2020

I think it depends on the bride. I was very laid back, let the girls pick their own dresses just told them a color. They had the option to have their hair and makeup done I didn’t demand. They didn’t pay for my shower my mom and grandma did. I think if you have a bride that is demanding and expects a lot of her bridemaids it isn’t much of an honor, but if you have a bride that is laid back and don’t want to make people go into debt then its a honor because they are looking out for everyone not just herself.

Post # 40
Member
34 posts
Newbee

Good question.

I think it depends on the bride. If the bride is a total “bridezilla” and treats her bridesmaids like servants, doesn’t respect their budget, and acts demanding and spoiled, then no. It isn’t an honor anymore.

When I got married, I asked my bridesmaids what their budget was for a dress. We all gave input on the dress as a group, but the girls had way more weight on the decision than I did because they were paying for their dresses. I didn’t care what shoes- they could have worn $1 flip flops for all I cared. They decided for their hair and makeup. They offered to throw me a shower and I told them that’s fine if they are able to, and they planned everything as a surprise based on their budgets. The only thing I picked was the date of my bachelorette party. I really had zero demands of them and to this day they tell me I was the easiest bride ever. 

 

If the bride is respectful and considerate of the bridesmaids during the process, it’s absolutely an honor. Being a bride doesn’t entitle anyone to treat their closest friends/family like crap. Some women get too wrapped up in “being a bride” because “it’s MY day!” and forget why they’re even getting married and why they’ve asked certain people to stand with them. They forget what it’s all about. It’s not about having an extravagant shower, wearing a sparkly white tiara, feeling like a princess, or being the center of attention. I honestly don’t understand the whole “I want to feel like a princess!!” mentality for your wedding day. Lol. I didn’t feel like a “princess” on my wedding day, I felt happy to begin a new chapter with my husband and become one. 

Post # 41
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I have heard so many different opinions on this subject it’s hard to say…… But with a lot of things, I figure when in doubt just don’t do it. If you’re the bride and not sure if you want to have a lot of bridesmaids maybe just have one attendant that you know wants to do it.

If you’re being asked to be a bridesmaid and you just don’t want to do it then don’t and be honest with a bride right away that “being a bridesmaid isn’t for me” I would much rather have someone be honest with me early on even if they’re reason to refuse hurts my feelings rather than find out later when it bridesmaids drops out at the last minute which from what I’ve read many do. 

 I personally wouldn’t mind if the whole bridesmaid’s tradition just ends but that’s me. Some people have had wonderful experiences but a lot of people I’ve talked to did not. I think it’s probably all a very personal thing

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