Spin-Off: Must gifts be from the registry?

posted 7 months ago in Etiquette
Post # 31
Member
3518 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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mrsssb :  ah ok

Post # 32
Member
1964 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I literally always gift money. Literally always. 

Post # 33
Member
41 posts
Newbee

For the bridal shower my now-MIL threw me, all of her lady friends were invited she and the majority of them got me gifts that were not on my registry. I had lived with my now-husband for 4 years at that point, so there were a lot of things that we already had. I put these beautiful casserole dishes from Crate & Barrel that matched my china set on my registry, and one of the ladies didn’t like them, so she got me what she liked instead. I got plant pots that were not on my registry – and neither I nor my husband are plant people. And to top it all off, my Mother-In-Law got me a hose, a set of screwdrivers, and other misc. household items….for my bridal shower. It was a mess and I felt like a brat, because at the end of the day, these are gifts and I don’t to be ungrateful, but I stick to registry items or money. They won’t dislike cash or a gift that they picked out, so it is the safer and (in my opinion) the more considerate choice. 

Post # 34
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2729 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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justsomebee :  That sucks! I’m sorry that was your experience. 

Post # 35
Member
5460 posts
Bee Keeper

I have some textile allergies so now i almost always buy registry in case that is why they selected particular brand. If I see something cute to add to a gift I’ll get that in addition.  Or if I know the person very well and find something perfect but I try to stick to the registry. 

For kid gifts i check with the parents in case the gift is obnoxious in a way my non parent eyes can’t see. And that happened once I texted my friend hey look at this and she said hell no please don’t.  So I didn’t.  Lol. 

Post # 36
Member
5460 posts
Bee Keeper

Oh and for weddings we usually write a check now. 

Post # 38
Member
7160 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I take it on a case by case basis- considering what is on the registry and also how I prefer to spend my money. We attended a wedding shortly after our own where it seemed the couple was establishing their own household for the first time and had no idea what to get so they just put any and everything on the registry. A lot of it was stuff that wouldn’t last long or age well. I told my husband “They just put a bunch of dumb shit on this registry.” and I had a lot of resistance to ordering ANYthing there. It didn’t come across as thoughtful or based on any awareness or experience, which, ultimately, made it look gift grabby.

I’ve also seen (and experienced, personally) that first time parents might do a lot of research about big items, but not know what some of the smaller, super helpful things they might end up using could be. So I like to get a grouping of gifts some from the registry and some that are not.

As a pp said, a registry is a suggestion, not a purchase order.

Post # 40
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I usually buy off the registry or give cash, but for people, I’m very close to, I might not.

My brother got married this past year, and for the bridal shower, I bought off the registry, but for the wedding (in addition to money), I gave them a recipe box with cards filled out with treasured family recipes. I went with a generic box so they could donate it/regift it if they don’t want the recipe box, but they were touched by the recipes. 

I got a few off-registry gifts that we really like and we only returned 2 gifts (both off registry and generic). I kept all my cards too – they contained some really touching messages and good wishes.

Post # 41
Member
2212 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I have different rules for different types: 

For Bridal Showers: I buy off the registry, but I usually put it in a basket with other little things. For example, the last shower I went to, I bought the champagne glasses and the citrus juicer the bride registered for. I put them in a basket with other items to make a “mimosa’s” basket. The one before that I bought some of the games the couple registered for as well as other smaller items (personalized deck of cards, snacks, etc.) for a “game night” themed basket. I like buying one or two things and then sprucing it up with smaller items that are not expensive. 

For Weddings: Always cash. It’s easier to carry a card to a wedding, I know the couple appreciates it and its easier for the couple to get home. 

For Baby Showers: Always off the registry. Parents do a lot of research on what they want and what they have the room for. So I only buy off the registry. Once the child is here, if I go visit, I will usually bring a couple of sleepers or outfits I thought were cute, or diapers and wipes in a diaper caddy or something small, but I include gift receipts just in case. 

Post # 42
Member
9124 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

 

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Twizbe :  sometimes people go in on a big group gift too. My bridesmaids pitched in to get us our travel system (infant car seat, base, and stroller). Also lots of stores give the parents a discount on anything that isn’t bought by a certain date so they throw everything on to get 20% but not expecting anyone else to buy it. 

I didn’t put our crib on the registry because I really wanted to buy it myself and I got super pissed when my Mother-In-Law (knowing I was being hormonal and weird about buying the crib) sent us a check and said it was for our crib. I lost my shit and told my husband to send it back lol. Then she said “fine not for the crib but let me know what you buy with it”. Also no – I’m not giving you a formal accounting of a gift. Give with no strings or take it back. It was the first big boundary we had to enforce with them. 

Post # 43
Member
3042 posts
Sugar bee

I will admit, I hated the gifts we received where someone decided they knew better and disregarded the registry.

We’re old enough and had established households long enough that we already had blenders, crock pots, bread machines, Kitchenaid mixers, etc. So we didn’t put anything like that on our registry.  Guess what, we got 4 crock pots, all of which had notes to the effect of “I noticed you didn’t have one on your registry, you probably didn’t think of it, I promise, you’ll love it!”.    Those were a PITA to return!

Then, there was the enormous and hideous piece of personalized “art”.  It’s a 4×6 foot painting and it’s reallllllly bad.  It’s supposed to be a painting of the location where we got married, but the ‘artist’ who was hired to paint it… let’s just say that they weren’t very talented.  I’ve seen much better at a high school art show.  I could have probably found a place to hang a much smaller piece of art, but this is enormous.

Post # 44
Member
2966 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I always buy from the registry. 

Post # 45
Member
1997 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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temeculabride :  that mil bought several different large items not wanted by her daughter in law not just one thing. Op said her mil also asked her about them, was told no thank you and did it anyways. I’m glad you are able to go with the flow and not feel irritated if your mil purposely picked a different brand and style of car seat that you asked for but this thread proves that 98% of people do have a problem with that. I think you could have had more sympathy for that op than you did. This thread just proved the op had a right to her feelings since everyone here somehow naturally understands to stick to registries especially with baby registries because of the efforts moms go to I choosing their items. 

And that op did not throw a stink she was understandably frustrated and wanted advice. Nowhere in her post or responses did she indicate she wanted to cause issues with her mil. 

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