Spin off: no children/kids weddings

posted 4 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 46
Member
1206 posts
Bumble bee

I love kids. I work with kids. They are awesome and fun. But if you make the choice to have children, no one is obligated to host them. If you make the choice to have children, there will be events that they are not invited to because the people hosting don’t want kids, for whatever reason. I can’t stand this idea that because you went to weddings when you were young, or because you love your kids and think they are well-behaved, or because they are a relation, or because they would enjoy it, or you’ll have to pay for a sitter you think your children are automatically entitled to go to an event. No one is entitled. I understand that it might be an inconvenience but that’s the price you pay for having kids, and no one else needs to pay that price. 

People are spending lots of money on their event, and they are allowed to host however they want to. If they want kids, fine, if they don’t, equally fine. It’s not rude or a slight against you. 

Post # 47
Member
1291 posts
Bumble bee

I’m totally indiffirent when it comes to children at weddings. I’m just remembering my childhood and weddings that I attended. I always had a great time. Some people were super drunk but tjayvdidnt matter. All the kids would be running together outside, no special programme designed. Just enjoying outdoors and dancing and eating.

This might be an unpopular opinion, but I feel like in the past decade there has been a massive shift. Previously children were a part of life but not kids have become the parents whole life. This causes a divide.

Post # 48
Member
737 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

I’m one of those people who just doesn’t like kids as a whole (I hate dogs too – I know, I’m a monster!). I don’t like being around them, I don’t find them cute. I’ve been to several weddings where kids screamed throughout the ceremony, and spent the evening running and sliding round the dance floor. The last wedding I went to, you couldn’t hear most of the speeches because the kids were bored and grumbling. I know people always say that someone will take the kids out if they’re causing a disruption, but in reality, it doesn’t always happen.

One of my cousins says her 3 year old was so badly behaved at the last wedding she went to, she refuses to bring her to any more!

There aren’t all that many kids in my family, and my friends only have a few between them. They all know I’m not a fan of kids, and they’re not offended by it. Most of them find it amusing. They know it’s nothing personal against their own little darlings, and I would never be rude or obtuse at a event where they’re present, but if I’m hosting an event, it’s my choice whether or not to invite kids, and I choose not to.

 

Post # 49
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: London, UK

Our wedding will not be childfree, but that is because I trust all my friends who are parents (or who may be parents by that time) to make a judgement call on whether their children will be able to handle the day or not. I also trust said friends to step outside with said kids if they are making inappropriate/unpleasant noises at an inopportune moment. I would rather a friend leave the ceremony with a crying baby and just miss that bit, than them not coming at all and missing the whole day. Basically, I would much prefer my friends are there with their kids (even if they cause some issues), than not being able to attend at all without them.

That being said, I am not a huge children person, and when I think about all the things babies and kids do that irritate me, I am totally on board with people who decide they don’t want that on their wedding day. But I do think it is a shame for dearly loved guests to have to miss out on the day if they are unable to leave their children.

Post # 50
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

Twizbe :  my sister tried to breastfeed the first few months of my niece being born but it didn’t workout and she switched to formula. So no she was not breastfeeding at the time of the wedding.

Post # 51
Member
7772 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

“In my previous country there is really no concept of baby sitters and the whole family like grand parents to cousins kids are invited to any wedding so they just put the name of the house holder on the invitation. “

 

Yep this is how it is in my husband’s country. I’ve come to appreciate this way of doing things even though it is not at all how my circle handles weddings. “ashleyroo :  

Post # 52
Member
970 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I’m neutral about kids at weddings.  We had them at ours because our wedding was one big laid back family party and it fit the vibe.  (We also had a ton of booze.  I’ve never understood the pearl clutching on here regarding kids being around alcohol.   To each their own but all our family parties, including kids bday, have booze) I’ve been to fancy black tie kid free weddings too and although that’s not what I wanted for my own wedding,  I had a fantastic time.  What does irk me is when people post on here all pissy because  cousin Nancy declines their kid free wedding invitation.  Maybe cousin Nancy doesn’t have reliable childcare,  maybe she doesn’t have money for childcare,  maybe she just doesn’t want to travel without her kid.  That doesn’t mean you should give in and invite kids if you really don’t want them there but neither do you get to complain when parents decide that they just can’t make it work to attend.  

Post # 53
Member
7030 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

You’ll get every reason under the sun from venue capacity, budget, alcohol, etc. For me it simply boiled down to the fact that I don’t enjoy kids at weddings. 

I’ve been a full-time wedding photographer for over 10+ years. I get that I might be using a different yardstick to measure with, but on average I attend more weddings in one year than the average person attends in a lifetime. I can’t even remember the last time I had a wedding where children were included that they weren’t a disruption or somehow in the way of the other guests. Of course I’m always patient and gracious with the kids, but for my own wedding I knew 100% that it would be kid-free.

I love kids. I’m a mom. But here’s the thing, when kids are being disruptive at a wedding 90% of the time it’s not that they’re being bad – it’s that they’re being kids. Unfortunately that kind of behavior just isn’t appropriate for a wedding. A casusal backyard BBQ? Sure? Someone’s reception in a nice venue they’re spent a lot of money on? Absolutely not. 

The biggest problem I see is that there are two kinds of parents at weddings.

1.) The parents who don’t enjoy a single moment because the spend the ENTIRE wedding chasing their kids around, trying to keep them entertained/quiet, or having to leave the room over a tantrum.

2.) The parents who use the opportunity to ignore their kids while they run around like wild animals. 

I’d love to say it doesn’t happen but it does at every single wedding. Kids running through the dance floor while the couple is trying to have their first dance. Kids sticking their finger in the cake or all up in the way while the couple is trying to cut it. Parents chasing their kids around or screaming during the ceremony/key moments (like toasts). 

Older kids are usually fine, but the problem with putting an age cutoff means that you’re never going to find the sweet spot. Telling a family of 4 their 12 year old can come, but their 11 year old can’t? It’s just easier to go “no kids” across the board. 

Being a parent is a choice and sometimes that choice means there are things in life you have to miss out on if you choose not to leave your kids behind. I understand the argument that some people don’t have anyone they trust to watch their kids, but that isn’t the wedding couple’s problem. That’s the parents problem. They are well within their right to choose not to ever leave their kids with a sitter but that’s the choice they made when they became parents. I was a nursing mom, I still don’t find that as a reason to be an exception to the no kids rule. Again, it was MY choice to nurse. I knew very early on that for both work and just wanting my husband to be able to feed our child that I would need to pump and introduce bottles early enough that he would them.  I know plenty of people personally (including some of my very best friends) who opted not to pump at all or use bottles but rather exclusively nurse. That was a choice they made and it worked for them. Down the road when they decided they did in fact want to be able to leave their baby they wouldn’t take a bottle but that was the choice they made and they dealt with it. 

 

To me people getting upset over kid-free weddings because they see weddings as a “family” event is no different than telling a CFBC couple they aren’t a real family simply because it looks different than their own version. 

Post # 54
Member
2844 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

This fed into so much post partum anxiety for me. I made myself so worried over whether I would be judged for turning down a (to me) destination wedding because my baby won’t take a bottle. My oldest took a bottle fine, but my youngest refused no matter what we did. Attitudes kkke ‘it’s your choice’ etc made me feel like I’d done something wrong and omg made me so miserable. What you just said was my worst fear that my friend would think the same and compare me to every other new mum who could leave their baby.

starfish0116 :  

Post # 55
Member
7772 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

We introduced bottles at two weeks. Baby took them like a champ for about a month and then bam, bottle strike, which she just started getting over at about 6 months old.

Nothing chaps my ass like moms “educating” other moms on topics they’ve never struggled with, whether it’s bottles, nursing, sleep struggles, or anything else. starfish0116 :  

Post # 56
Member
8063 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ashleyroo :  personally my wedding wasn’t child friendly AT ALL. It was a formal event, late in the evening, at an historic building turned museum, with a full open bar and a very loud (amazing) band. Plus we did a cocktail style reception so there were waiters with full trays of food walking around for the entire event that didn’t also need to try and dodge little kids. The venue isn’t even available to rent for bar mitvahs, sweet 16 parties, etc. because they recognize that it’s not a safe place for children unless they are very closely monitored. They allow children at weddings (and we did include two 9 year old cousins who we were very close with) but really stress that they like kids kept to a minimum. If we had any nursing babies I would have made an exception for them though. 

Post # 57
Member
4054 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I had the wedding I wanted ,I hope my friends and family do too. Like everyone on wb loves to remind people,  it’s an invitation,  not a summons. So if you decide to go with no kids, I’ll evaluate whether it’s feasible for me or not, but I certainly won’t be upset.

Post # 58
Member
7030 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Twizbe :  But I’m not judging you…I think everyone should parent however they see fit – I know I did. I don’t judge or think negatively about anyone for turning down an invitation to any event for any reason. I’ve turned down plenty of invitations to all kinds of things for reasons from I just didn’t have the time, I didn’t want to go to that destination (or spend the money), to being 2 weeks post partum and just wasn’t up to it nor wanted to leave my newborn. I regularly turn down invites to do things because of my kid. I’d love to go and if someone wanted to judge me for saying no because of my kid they aren’t a friend worth having. 

My point is that being a parent is a choice and with that comes the understanding that there are going to be plenty of times in life where you have to bow out because of your kids. Be it not having a sitter, or not being able to leave a nursing baby, maybe they’re sick, etc. That’s just life. Your anxiety that people might be offended by you declining is certainly valid, I’m not here to tell you it’s not. You’re completely entitled to feel however you want about the siuation.

Being a mom is hard, being a nursing mom is even harder. It comes with a lot of judgement and stigma so I get it’s hard not to take it personally. If you told your friend “I’m so sorry but I can’t afford to attend your destination wedding” would you have anxiety that she’d judge you for it? Probably not, but as women we tend to feel personally attacked when it’s something that is important to us. Then again, I think it’s silly for couples to get upset or offended when people decline an invite for any reason. A wedding invitation is just that, an invitation…it’s not a summons. 

Post # 59
Member
2844 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Your post read like ‘I pumped early so I could leave my baby and that made me best mum, my friends who didn’t do that made their beds and they have to lie in them and they did something wrong because they didn’t do what I did’ perhaps without meaning to, you mum shamed with the best of them.

But we are getting off point. I 100% support couples having child free weddings. I agree that the couple can not get butt hurt about parents choosing not to come because of that or should they compare parent A’s ability to leave child with parent B’s inability to do the same. starfish0116 :  

Post # 60
Member
5707 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I think people can make their own choice as to whether to include children in weddings or not. I have no problem with either although I do disagree with the idea I often see on here that weddings or any event with alcohol is inherently not kid friendly. Keeping your children completely separate from alcohol actually doesn’t teach them to be responsible.

I do laugh to myself when the reasons for a kid free wedding are wanting the parents to have a “night off” or wanting them to be “present in the moment”. Just be honest and say you don’t like kids, that’s fine but all this being in the moment stuff is just rubbish. You can’t force an adult to be mentally present, people will get distracted with or without kids. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors