(Closed) Spin Off (sort of): Would you leave early just because it was a Cash Bar or Dry?

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 92
Member
731 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

codysgirl16:  I wouldn’t leave because that is rude BUT if it is terribly boring that gives me a reason to leave. You shouldn’t need alcohol to have fun. 

Post # 93
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Disneyland - January 2016

WestCoastV:  How in the world does that imply I view my guests as accessories??? Someone said they side-eye the hosts if they don’t have booze in favor of flowers or decorations, and I’m stating that maybe all that decor isn’t important to the guests, but it sure as hell is important to ME. I think it’s absolutely ridiculous that a couple should simply “elope” and not be allowed to spend a special day with their loved ones all purely based around the fact that they don’t want their reception to end like a drunk frat party. Way to seriously put words in my mouth.

 

Edit: It really feels like free drinks is the only thing guests even give a crap about. So why am I feeding them a $100pp meal? Why am I showering them with desserts? Apparently NO one cares about these and that’s just another way to prove how much I “don’t” care about them. I should just forget how uncomfortabe and miserable I am around drunk people because hey, I’m not the one spending thousands for an awesome party…oh wait.

Seriously, the logic on this thread and many others is so twisted. If people can equate not caring about guests with not wanting to booze them up and instead have a night where I don’t have to play babysitter or deal with vomit and adults acting like children, then I have to wonder what kind of values they have. I don’t CARE if people have free or cash drinks at their wedding, but to imply that the hosts don’t care about their friends and family when they’re giving them everything  they could possibly need to have a fun night, minus the booze, is absolutely ludicrous.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  TwinkleBoss.
Post # 94
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

TwinkleBoss:  I do agree with you in that all the “omg I can’t even be expected to TALK to people who aren’t already my bestest friends without a drink” caterwauling is, quite frankly, a little suspect.  If you’re truy suffering from a social anxiety disorder and are really not capable of engaging in a bit of polite conversation with reasonable strangers (something I would class as basic human socializing) for a few hours without drinks you may need a professional to give you real medication, and not to “medicate” yourself with alcohol.

However, I think you may be projecting ever-so-slightly into the comments of others: what I read most people as saying here is that people who do not serve alcohol probably shouldn’t expect a certain stereotypical type of formal evening wedding reception that involves wild dancing, super-late partying, and the type of wacky hijinx that one is more likely to see in a movie about weddings than at most actual weddings.  Since these types of things are “transgressive” (not really, but a lot of people see them that way) they are less likely to happen an at even without alcohol, as alcohol is not just a drink, but a cultural signal that says “a little bit of transgression is OK.”  You seem to have a very suspcious attitude toward alcohol: most people really are quite capable of drinking without drinking to the excesses described.  However, it is your choice as host not to serve alcohol, and guests who cannot appreciate what you do offer as hospitality and attempt to undermine your reception by sneaking in alcohol that you have not chosen to provide are being rude.

Post # 95
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

Curse the short edit window–the above post is an utter mess, and I apologize.  Among the typos: “truy” should be “truly,” of course; I see one “even” that should be “event,” naturally; and I botched “suspicious” all to hell.  There’s probably something else I’ve missed even on this second pass.  Bah. 

Post # 96
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Disneyland - January 2016

Thank you for your calm response,  I really do appreciate it. I think what I’ve missed in explaining is that it only takes one person to ruin the event.  I recently went to my good friends wedding and had a lot of fun despite the fact that I don’t drink. However,  I ultimately left around 11 because one extremely drunk guest was acting wildly inappropriate and making me and my sister extremely uncomfortable.  Sure, everyone else was fine, but I guess my SO and I must be a rare couple in that we know we have at least a cou ple folks in each our families who can’t hold their liquor and dealing with that kind of stupidness is the last thing I want to do on my wedding day.

I also don’t understand this entitled attitude that yhe reception is all about the guests. It seems to be implied over and over again that I don’t care about my guests because i’m not catering to their individual wants when i’m doing everything in my power to give them a delicious meal and a fun party atmosphere. I truly believe that the reception is about the bride and groom…it’s no different than having a birthday party and doing activities that that birthday child wants. Yes they have guests and hopefully the guests have  a fun time too, but are we really going to force the birthday kid into going or feeling guilty about not going to a theme park cause they’re terrified of coasters when all their friends love them ? No, we suck it up and do what they want cause this day isn’t about us, it’s about them. I know it’s a simple analogy, but it’s the exact same concept.  The bride and groom are celebrating their marriage, their momentous day, it is about them and they should be allowed to celebrate in a way that makes them happy without being called rude or uncaring of their guests.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  TwinkleBoss.
  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  TwinkleBoss.
Post # 97
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

TwinkleBoss:  It certainly sounds like your reactions toward alcohol are strongly influenced by family members who may or may not have struggled with addiction (currently or in the past), so your desire not to have your reception become dominated by the negative consequences of that behavior, as I get the sense that so many other things in your life have already been, is understandable.  Again, you are free to host an event without alcohol and are not rude if you choose to host in that manner.

However, I’m afraid that I can’t agree with you on your latter point: the reception is intended to welcome and thank the guests who attended the wedding ceremony, which is the part of the wedding day where the choices of you and your significant other (who will be celebrant? religious or non-religious? what readings? what music?) do hold final sway within reason, in my opinion.  Since the reception is to thank the guests, I would argue that the host’s first duty is to provide what I would call the basic universals of guest comfort (as no host can be expected to meet the specific and quirky demands of every guest at a large event)–things like a venue of reasonable temperature/accessbility for guests; seating for all; and sufficient amounts of food and drink appropriate to the time of the day.  Note that one can do all of that without providing alcohol.  If providing these universals of guest comfort make a bride or groom feel like s/he is a child who hates heights but is being forced to stand on the ledge of a tall building, then I feel there are deeper issues at work.

The reception does still celebrate the bride and the groom in the end of course, and the guest who is angry because s/he wanted a cocktail or a certain type of liquor or steak instead of lobster or prefers blue to red or something like this demonstrates his or her self-centeredness by complaining, but the reception should not be about the bride and groom in the same way that a child’s birthday party is for the particular child.  Children have not fully learned how to be other-regarding.  A child’s selfishness is still seen as acceptable and cute (by some, I guess).  We roll our eyes at adults who try to celebrate their birthdays like they are still children because the self-centeredness that was cute in a 10 year old is unbecoming in a 28 year old.  I would argue that one signals that one is an adult when one sees the pinnacle of celebrating as being able to do for others instead of seeing the pinnacle of celebrating as others doing for him or her. 

Post # 98
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Disneyland - January 2016

MarriedToMyWork:  I understand all your points, but I hope you’re not interpreting my post to mean I will not be doing everything on my power to insure my guests are comfortable. Meals with special dietary needs will be offered, we’re spending an extra 2k so everyone can be inside in winter instead of heated lamps and there will be many dessert options and a vast variety of music styles to play. I’m not so selfish that I’m going to leave my guests uncomfortable and hungry while I spoil myself, but again,  if I choose not to serve booze or even n if I only wanted chocolate cake instead of others, I think that’s completely justified and shouldn’t be compared to abusing or ignoring my guests.

Post # 99
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

“Dry wedding” and cash bar are two different things. 

Darling Husband and I would not stick around long after the reception if it were a dry wedding.

If there were a cash bar, we would stick around. 

Exception: if it were an immediate family member’s DRY wedding with no cash bar, we would stick around until the bitter end and I would make sure we each had flasks. Lol. However, this wouldn’t happen because nobody in our families would think of having a dry wedding. : P

We also don’t associate with the kind of people who would judge us for leaving a dry wedding early, so that wouldn’t be an issue for us either.

Post # 100
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

sea.brunette:  it’s not really a question of whether guests can have fun without alcohol – of COURSE they can, and will.  The difference is whether a bride and groom are in denial about the message/atmosphere they are creating when they decide to have a wet vs. cash vs. dry wedding. <br /><br />

 

 

Bravo!

Post # 101
Member
602 posts
Busy bee

Dry wedding- I’m probably leaving early. My brother had a dry wedding and to this day regrets it. Pretty much everyone left after dinner. It was a total snoozefest. 

 

Cash bar- if the drinks are reasonably priced and I actually have cash on me I’ll stick around. If the drinks are ridiculously overpriced I will probably leave earlier than I would an open bar or reasonably priced cash bar. 

 

A wedding a recently went to was a cash bar even for a soda. No heads up, no ATM. To me that was rude. You can’t even provide your guests with soda, ice tea, lemonade, etc or a heads up to bring cash for ANY kind of drink besides water?! You can bet that wedding was over HOURS before it was scheduled to be over. 

Post # 102
Member
594 posts
Busy bee

codysgirl16:  I really don’t like some of the shaming and judgment that’s going on in this thread – wanting a nice drink with a formal dinner does not make one an alcoholic.

Post # 103
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

SexyCatLady:  I concur that a nice drink with dinner is a great civilized joy of life, and further agree that a host who sets up expectations of a particularly fancy and formal event takes on the duty to provide more because s/he has asked guests to do more.  I would argue that, barring some sort of genuinely extraordinary circumstance that I can’t even really imagine in my head, a meal at a very formal event really should offer the option of well-paired wine or beer with the courses, and I would be hesitant to attend another very formal event hosted by someone who did not find it necessary to offer carefully chosen wine and beer options at dinner.  I don’t think that not providing alcohol, even at an event like this, would not be a violation of so-called formal etiquette (but I am not at all certain– O Aspasia, where art thou?), but I just don’t think any other beverage besides wine can match the craft and complexity of the type of food that I expect to be served at a truly formal, first-class event and not having the option to drink wine would detract from the pleasure of the meal, something that should never happen at an event of the caliber I’m talking about.  However, these types of formal events aren’t very common and most of the folks on WB aren’t hosting these types of events.

I still believe that people who act like a host who doesn’t provide alcohol at a morning, afternoon, or less formal evening reception has violated the Geneva Conventions are overreacting just as much as people who think that the presence of any alcohol whatsoever is going to turn each and every guest into a stereotypical drunken frat guy.

Unrelated, but to future.mrs.koban:‘s point: I dare someone to defend cash bars for non-alcoholic drinks.  What an abhorrent practice!  I admit that I would find it very, very difficult not to walk out of a reception right at the cocktail hour if I found that there was a charge for non-alcoholic drinks.<br /><br />

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