(Closed) Spin Off (sort of): Would you leave early just because it was a Cash Bar or Dry?

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 106
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

codysgirl16:  

Your opening post certainly reads like you are negatively judging anyone who needs free alcohol to celebrate a milestone. You are well within your rights to have your opinion….I just think it is weird to say you are not judging and then go on to do just that. 

I am not one for loud and crowded parties and I do not like to dance, so I wouldn’t even stay until the end of a wedding reception. I do not like cash bars but I understand that not everyone feels the same way as me, so if I really wanted alcohol I would just pay for it and keep quiet. If I went to a dry wedding, I would probably have some wine in my car and share it with one or two close buddies. Nobody in my circle likes dry weddings, so I know that my little ghetto car bar would be appreciated. 

 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  amiona.
Post # 108
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

codysgirl16:  

I also want to add that somebody will ALWAYS side eye you for any aspect of your wedding which doesn’t suit their ideas, particularly non traditional choices such as not serving any alcohol.

When my husband and I were planning our wedding, we received so much side eye and loud lectures from my mother about our desire to have an intimate wedding of 60 or less. I also had many family members ask how I could have such a small wedding; my parents’ cultural tradition is a huge wedding for daughters. We ended up eloping because setting boundaries trying to have polite discussions were unsuccessful and we weren’t going to allow my mother to bully us into having the wedding SHE wanted. I’m glad that she is staying out of our vow renewal plans. 

 I think that wine and beer is an EXCELLENT alternative to a dry wedding or cash bar. 

As for needing validation, 99% of the threads on this website are seeking validation and encouragement for many decisions. We all want approval from others on some level, whether we choose to admit it or not. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  amiona.
Post # 109
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

codysgirl16:  

You are using the word “event” but we are speaking specifically of weddings, which is a special event that carries many different expectations. I could go to a dinner party with no alcohol. I could go to a bridal or baby shower with no alcohol. Wedding receptions are entirely different. I just wanted to bring up that distinction. 

Thanks for explaining that you are not judging. I appreciate that because you do not owe me an explanation. I certainly detect many negative judgments about those who need alcohol at a wedding reception, such as referring to them as “not authentic”. Honestly, your posts read like you look down on anyone who needs alcohol to celebrate a marriage and you would like other Bees to agree with you. Of course, I don’t live in your head and only you know what you meant. This is just my interpretation. 

Post # 110
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

codysgirl16:  thank you for that, apology accepted. Yes, I was very fortunate to have a fairly extravagant affair. 

The reason I reacted to your post in that way was because I wasn’t bringing that fact up at all here and my point did not rest on my personal finances at all. I meant that you can be considerate of what the people in your circle are likely to want and strive to give them all the fixings for the celebration that will bring them the most fun regardless your budget. Being the type of host that does anything and everything she can to show her guests the best time possible doesn’t mean she had an extravagant budget.

I have one friend who had BBQ catering in a comunity rec center where we served ourselves into Styrofoam plates with the little section dividers and pumped our own beer out of a keg. It was probably the least fancy wedding I’ve ever attended or ever will attend, but yet, we had a blast! No one got intoxicated or hammered but having a few beers put an entirely different feeling over the whole event that yes, made it WAY more fun. I think she spent about 300 bucks for those kegs and there was plenty to go around.

Did anyone there NEED alcohol to have a good time? No. Did everyone have a lot more fun because of it? Heck yes. Even the people not drinking had a better time because of the elevated mood created by the atmosphere that alcohol helped create. 

It’s not about being authentic or needing a substance to have a good time. It just makes things more fun. There wouldn’t be a massive billion dollar industry around this stuff if people didn’t really, really like it, and the majority of people like it without getting wasted or out of control. 

We do all KINDS of things in society we don’t NEED to do in oder to have fun, but we do them because they make things that much more fun. 

Post # 112
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

polyblonde:  

*applause* +1000

Post # 114
Member
12237 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

With or without alcohol, there are only boring people, not boring events. 

Post # 115
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

codysgirl16:  my guess is that there are a lot of people that love you dearly and will “buck up” and deal! For sure. That’s just not what your question was in your original post.

You asked if people would leave early, and the shifted the conversation to be around why that is and what’s the deal with “needing” to have alcohol. So that’s why people are answering in the way that they are thats where the issue over “hosting” your guests arrises. Its not because people are too selfish or dependent on booze to give proper support to your wedding.

I think we’ve both nailed it when we’ve said some firm of the idea that expectations for guests behavior and participation should probably just be adjusted if alcohol isn’t offered.

Just please don’t take it personally or equate it with a lack of support or chemical dependency. I’m sure people will still have fun but yes, the night will probably wind down earlier. From what you’ve said though, you’re ok with that.

If you do go the traditional route and have budgetary concerns about certain things, wedding bee is an AWESOME place to ask for tips and how to get creative. (Note: I’m not assuming anything about your financial situation, just saying that because of a few of your comments and wanted to point that out.) You’re unlikely to change perceptions and behaviors of others, but you’re very likely to be able to figure out ways to host an event where everyone is happy (including you) without shelling out loads and loads of cash. I’ve seen some amazing examples of this around here!

Post # 117
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

codysgirl16:  I see, it’s interesting framed in that way. That’s a different way to look at it, so I appreciate you posting that. 

I got from your posts that you aren’t big into it but I guess I didn’t quite get that you have an actual personal issue with it. Could just be that I missed it, apologies if so.

I do think it’s different if the host has a specific issue with it like religion, alcoholic family members or sever problem drinkers in the bunch, had lost a loved one to a drunk driver, the list goes on. But barring something like that, many people have personal issues things but when they KNOW the people they love would enjoy it and it’s not likely to cause problems (like the examples I listed above) I guess I just don’t understand why you’d cut it out.

In the example I gave above about the keg wedding, that bride was actually (secretly) 3 months pregnant so she couldn’t even partake. I dislike, non ABHOR a type of seafood. Like the smell makes me gag and anything that looks the same way on the plate as it did when it was in the ocean….forget about it. All I can think about are all the ocean toxins coursing through the flesh of whatever it is…. I digress. But my family and friends and husband love it, so jumbo crab cake first course it was.

I DO think it can be different and still fun, and again, the people that love you will be there and support the shit out of your new union! It’s just that again, you asked if people would leave early and it’s just a known fact  that some probably will so that’s why you got a lot of the comments you did.

As for it being more fun, I think as others have stated this is a wedding, not a work conference, baby shower, weekday dinner etc. Usually a wedding in involves largeish groups when many don’t know eachother, time spent captive listening to speeches about people you may or may not know well, and just lots of social interaction and potentially dancing. These sorts of things are more fun for most people when their brain receptors allow for more relaxation and less inhibition to flow through it (which is what alcohol does), therefore making events like this more enjoyable.

In a way it does kind of come down to biology….like, will I NEED a nice potent black tea to help me wake up and focus for work tomorrow morning? No, but it will make it much easier and probably make for a more enjoyable morning. Similarly, I feel like an employer who provides it to me in the break room is a little more considerate than one who does not, regardless his feelings on caffeine. I had one boss who literally considered it poison yet she knew most of the employees wanted coffee or tea in the morning, so she regularly had like 20 types for us to choose from.

Post # 118
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

codysgirl16:  oh oh point taken. Sorry! I think you can close a thread at any time for any reason.

Post # 119
Member
712 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Nope. I’m with you. I think we shouldn’t have to drink to have fun. I wrote a post asking about my dry wedding and asked people to please not tell me that I’m wrong for that (we don’t drink and are having a small wedding and a bar would’ve cost just as much as the whole thing) and people couldn’t even do that. I think it’s really sad. I mean, we’re only inviting around 19 people and only about 4 of them drink, so it was silly to open the bar for that. It baffles me that people try to make you sound like a monster, or say your wedding won’t be fun if you don’t drink or pay for them….

Post # 120
Member
2350 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Like the bride and groom can ever make everybody happy anyway so what difference does it even make if there’s free alcohol. A third of the posters wouldn’t stay 10 minutes if there was a cash bar and another third wouldn’t even stay 5 if it were dry. The other third doesn’t even drink so they’re the only ones who could actually enjoy themselves no matter what, but they will be the ones who complain about the dinner being buffet instead of plated, or the cake having fondant on it. Bottom line is that nobody can make everybody happy. It’s impossible. Guests always find something to bitch about. If it wasn’t lack of free booze it would be the distance to the reception or the day of the week or the fact that their seat was preselected for them. Or whatever else they can bitch about because weddings r inconvenient for everyone. I think the bride n groom should plan what THEY want and everybody else can suck it for a few hours or stay home.

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