(Closed) Spin-off: the “right” way to do a honeymoon registry?

posted 9 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 18
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I go back and forth. When I first heard of honeymoon registries, I thought it sounded like a money grab, but the idea grew on me a little bit.  We didn’t do one, because we are young and needed a lot of housewares, but I decided I was okay with other people having one. 

But recently a different poster on here said that she was using her honeymoon registry to pay for the wedding, and that they weren’t going to go on a honeymoon at all anytime soon, and I realized that as the gift giver, you have no idea what the money is going to be used for.  I know that 95% of those with honeymoon registries are going to legitimately spend the money on the experiences they registered for, but it’s that 5% that get to me.  I guess it’s not really any different from giving cash as a gift, but I don’t like to give cash.  So I probably will not ever get something off of a honeymoon registry, to be honest.  (This is not meant to attack any bees who do have one! I just wanted to explain why I wouldn’t personally buy a gift off of one)

Post # 19
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I think honeymoon registrya are great, and we plan on doing one since we dont need stuff. I dont see how its any different from registering for a toaster or something like that. If i am buying someone a gift i want to get them what they want not what i think they should have.

Post # 20
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@dynamic_duo:I think the way you did yours is great. I would be delighted to do something that made your honeymoon extra special. However, sooo many posters on this board just do it to get cash. THAT’s when I have a problem with it.

Post # 21
Member
10355 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

View original reply
@singasong: Most people who register for their honeymoon can afford it on their own. We didn’t do a honeymoon registry because we had “champagne tastes” and couldn’t afford it – we absolutely can (we have over a year’s salary saved in an emergency fund, to give you an idea). We did it because people wanted to give us gifts, and we had that option, alongside traditional registries. Gifting someone a snorkling trip and gifting someone a blender are the same thing, in my book.

To compare it to a traditional registry: You aren’t registering for a toaster because you can’t afford to buy a toaster. You registered for it because it is something you and your husband would love to have. It has nothing to do with unattainable “champagne tastes”

Post # 22
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I do not see any problem with the honeymoon registry. My fiance and I are doing one for our Disney World trip.  Everyone thinks its great that that is where we are going and havent gotten any negative back lash from it.  We are not adding a lot, mostly if people want to help with dining, some souvenirs and one thing we really want to do which is rent sea doos at the marina by our resort.  There are a variety of price ranges, just like you would do on a registry at macys or target.  We can pay for our honeymoon, that is not the issue. Guests know we are paying for our wedding ourselves, and love that they can help make our trip special.  I am not forcing anyone to buy of this registry, or the one we will be doing at Kohl’s. If they dont like the idea of it, they can not buy us a gift, or do cash, or buy a physical gift.  That is the guests choice, Registries, of ANY kind, are simply suggestions as to what us as a couple would like.  Honestly, i never wanted to do any registries, but it has been requested that we do them since our family and friends would like to give us gifts.

Post # 23
Member
1692 posts
Bumble bee

This is no doubt going to come as a surprise to those who know me from the Etiquette board, but I can (guardedly) approve of honeymoon registries.

Here is my thinking. Traditional household-goods registries are acceptable because they are a private service offered by a department store to a housewife. They are intended to help her keep track of all the heirloom-quality goods she needs to set up a gracious traditional home in order to fulfil her traditional duties as mother, wife and hostess: linen sheets for making up the guestroom bed for overnight guests, bone china for serving birthday and Christmas dinners, crystal for toasting the future of hoped-for children at their baptisms or graduations. The registry is a place where she can list all her patterns and needs, and then acquire them over the years as her household expands.

A Traditional household-goods registry is not a letter to the Wedding Santa assigning gifts to guests! Guests who use it should have the secret (guilty) thrill that they have found out the bride’s private plans (like snooping in her bathroom medicine cabinet.) When I buy you a soup tureen, I assume you had already taken the responsibility for providing that for yourself sooner or later; I am just helping her achieve her goals early. Modern “gift” registries, where brides register for every disposable commodity they can scan at Target, with a fond eye to Target’s return policy so that they can convert the actual gifts back to cash and make a killing, are frankly disgusting. They are passed off as acceptable because of the acceptability of the household registry, but they are vulgar. They utterly pervert the intent of a “real” gift, which is that you will have some lasting memento of the giver’s regard for you. I have a silver-chased crystal dish, given to me by a much-older spinster friend when I set up my own household. Everytime I serve mashed potatoes in it, I remember her and smile. That is what a wedding gift is intended to do.

Fast forward to the modern era, and let us get real. Most brides will never serve a formal five-course meal for ten on bone china, let alone do so often enough to justify owning a full china service. (Those of you who are the exception to that rule, let us exchange addresses. We can invite one another to dinner and support a dying artform.) Tiny modern apartments aren’t ammenable to offering overnight hospitality. We celebrate achievements at the restaurant, using the restaurant’s wine glasses for toasting. Our consumerist lives don’t need more “stuff” (well, mine does — I still want that sterling tea service I’m saving for, but most brides do not.) What most new couples need, and wisely what they often want, is lasting experiences. If I buy you a base-jumping experience, I assume that that is on your “bucket list” as something you have promised yourself to do, regardless. You may never go base-jumping again, but if you tell that story fondly for the next thirty years, and use the anecdote for teaching your children about risk-taking, and remember me fondly with each telling, then the gift has met the same basic purpose that a soup-tureen would have met.

But, it must be real. Just as returning my gift of a soup-tureen at the Bay for a few hundred dollars to spend as you choose would be dishonest, faking a request for base-jumping and putting the money instead to your basic flight to Cancun would be dishonest. And dishonesty is not only bad manners, it is bad morals.

Post # 24
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@scottsouth: I’m using MyRegistry.com too and I love it!

IMO it’s the perfect balance b/t traditional registry and honeymoon registry! We could use a few upgrades so we’re registering at a few stores, but mostly just want to save for the honeymoon. We haven’t set aside specific activities but I can assure you that ALL of the money put towards our “honeymoon fund” will be spent on our honeymoon (i wouldn’t feel right about it otherwise).

@CaitMarae, I totally agree! No one is being forced to by off the registry, so why should they be offended by it?

I get frustrated with the constant debates over registry etiquitte. Every bride should have the freedom to do what’s best for her without having to worry about the etiquitte  police!

Post # 25
Member
3942 posts
Honey bee

I think a honeymoon registry is great, and we considered one for ourself.

We own a house, have lived on our own and together for years and we have tons of stuff. We are paying for the wedding and honeymoon ourself, and I think a honeymoon regsitry makes perfect sense for a couple like us. We have decided not to do one but I see no problem with them. I would so much rather buy a great meal for a couple on their honeymoon than give them a serving platter than they might use once a year.

Post # 27
Member
9050 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

You may be surprised to hear that I am by no means ANTI-honeymoon registry.  I almost always give cash at a wedding with no real expectation of where the money goes.  But I agree that if you present it as specific items to purchase, I would hope/expect that the couple actually do what I intended with the gift.

I really do feel like it’s the way it’s presented, as an option.  I don’t want your mother to call me three times to remind me your shower is CASH ONLY; I don’t want your mass facebook letter to everyone you know asking for the cash before the actual wedding so you know you have it before you fully plan; and you better not be putting a “donation” envelope in my invitation.

I sucked it up and attended the shower I posted about, and had to shake my head as the “well known talented artist” friend of the bride got up and apologized that she had begun making them a beautiful painting well prior to being advised that it was CASH ONLY.

Post # 29
Member
9050 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

View original reply
@dynamic_duo: I actually posted about this shortly after our wedding, because we DID get a lot of cash.  We pre-paid for our own wedding, and honeymoon in cash without the expectation of the gift money coming in, so I was lost as to what I should say in thank you cards… like, would it be preferable to say people contributed to our honeymoon or would people want to think “their particular cash” was currently sitting in our bank account for future whatevers… That’s where it almost would have been nice to have a honeymoon registry where you could be like… “the dinner date you purchased was amazing”, “the massage was fantastically relaxing”, and KNOW what people hoped we’d do with the money.

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