(Closed) Spin-Off – Wedding Invite etiquette for people you DON'T want there?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: What would you do?

    Invite both regardless of feelings

    Invite neither

    Invite only the guest you want there only, you don't have to invite people that don't matter to you

  • Post # 2
    Member
    7440 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    unfortunately they are a unit. Either invite both or none

    Post # 3
    Member
    1726 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I put aside feelings for my sister’s boyfriend and invited him anyway because it made her happy. We had a pretty intimate wedding with mostly family and just a handful of friends. I hemmed and hawed about it for a long time and now, after the fact, I wish I didn’t let it stress me out so much. It was the least I could do for her. He’s not near what you’ve described (screams, fights, dresses inappropriately, and causes drama frequently) but definitely not my favorite person by a long shot. I know he put somewhat of a damper on her, but it would’ve been worse if I didn’t let him come and she was unhappy and alone.

    I do, however, agree about inviting whoever you want. It’s your wedding and I don’t think anyone should feel obligated. That was just my experience.

    Post # 4
    Member
    8452 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

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    BlackbirdBee:  Both or Neither, depending on which consequence you’re more willing to live with.

    Post # 6
    Member
    2792 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

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    BlackbirdBee: If they are engaged, married or livng together they are indisputably a unit. However, I think it is rather presumptious to pass judgment on another person’s relationship, so I would argue that if they consider themselves in a serious relationship they are a unit – you can not decide if it is serious. Invite both or none.

    Post # 7
    Member
    185 posts
    Blushing bee

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    carolinabelle:  Agree 100%

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    BlackbirdBee:  The wonderful thing about planning your invite list is that you do have the ability to invite whomever you choose and to exclude whomever you chooose 🙂  Just be aware of the fact that not everyone will agree with other halves being excluded and so you just have to figure out a way to deal with any fallout like people calling you and asking if their new boyfriend/girlfriend can come!  And people randomly adding family members to rsvps like thir kids and their kids boyfriends/girlfriends (no joke!)!

    Post # 8
    Member
    6302 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

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    BlackbirdBee:  I say you invite either both of them or neither. If you don’t like one, and absolutely without a doubt don’t want them there – don’t invite either. If you can deal with the person, invite them.

    When it comes to who is a unit and who isn’t – my theory is that’s it’s not my place to determine the value or seriousness of someone else’s relationship. If they’re in a committed relationship, regardless of length, they are a unit.

    I’ve totally been on the other end of these situations, and it really sucks to be told my relationship isn’t as valid as someone who is married/engaged. My DH and I were together for 12 years before we got married – living together for 8 of those years, and owning a home together the last 5. Heck, our *dating* relationship was longer than many of my friends dating + marriage relationships. DH got an invite to a friend’s wedding addressed only to him. I was pretty taken aback, considering this friend not only knew me but had stayed in OUR home. I felt it was incredibly rude. I feel it’s wrong to pass judgement on someone else’s relationship. What made my 12 years with DH before marriage less valid than someone who’t been together and engaged after only 1 year?

    Post # 9
    Member
    1767 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I would ordinarily say either invite both or neither however I think your situation is a little different in that you’re having a smaller, intimate wedding. If you are considering inviting this friend even knowing how small your guest list will be then they must be important enough to you to have them there so I think in this case you can pull the “space restrictions” card, invite your friend without the partner and be done with it. Chances are your buddy already knows why the partner really wasn’t invited and if your friend is offended and declines to attend then that is their decision alone and at least you extended the invitation. You shouldn’t punish your friend just because the partner doesn’t meet your expectations.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1767 posts
    Buzzing bee

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    starfish0116:  I don’t think it’s about whether the relationship is valid or not. OP just doesn’t like the partner’s personality. For your situation though I can’t think of any reason why you were not invited especially considering they stayed in your home. That was really rude and I’m sorry that happened to you. Some people are just strange.

    Post # 11
    Member
    5360 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2015

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    BlackbirdBee:  I have that exact issue with my cousin’s long-term girlfriend. I’m inviting her. They are a unit, no matter what I think of her. I weighed my desire to have my cousin there against my desire to never see her again and inviting both of them won. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    5360 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2015

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    BlackbirdBee:  Look at it this way- are you a unit with your fiance? You’re not married yet, so by your standard technically someone who hates you should not feel bad about inviting him and excluding you. 

    I think if they are in a serious relationship (long term, living together, engaged, married) they are a unit. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    13788 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    Etiquette says social units are those who are married, engaged or living together. I would personally add to that mature adults who are in a longtime, permanent, committed relationship. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    91 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2016 - Boettcher Mansion

    I would say invite both or invite neither, and if they are family, you probably just have to deal with the potentially annoying +1. My FH’s sister had a wedding in October of 2013, and one of her cousins was/is dating a guy that none of us like, but she invited him anyway because she knew her cousin would be upset if she didn’t. HOWEVER, the one thing that has been emphasized to me is that when it’s family, its okay to say FAMILY ONLY for pictures! Everyone should be able to understand that, just be sure that the rule applies across the board and to everyone. My future sister-in-law wanted me in the pictures with her family, even though her brother and I weren’t engaged yet, so she had her cousin’s boyfriend in the pictures, too, so that everyone felt it was fair. I know it’s unfortunate and stinks, but if you think about it from the other person’s perspective, it would be upsetting. 

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