Post # 77
Honestly, I dont understand why people have a hard time saying Sorry, I can’t do XYZ.
I am planning a party right now and we are spending 400 to 500 for a 3 day cruise. We all chipped in 30 bucks to cover the cruise for the Bride. She is on her own for drinks. I will say all of us are in our late 20’s or older and have steady jobs ie finished with college.
We were very upfront about costs and how we were going to break everything down. Everyone was responsible for booking their own cruise with a partner so no one was left with trying to collect money at the end. The biggest complaint we had was the length, which I understand. Those girls declined to attend, which is ok. No hard feelings.
It really is okay to say NO, I’m not comfortable spending xyz. This should be done at the beginning. So what if they give you the side eye. They really will get over it.
It is very annoying to plan a party and lay out all of the information, have them agree, then have them bitch and moan when the time comes. I really have no sympathy for that person. Be an adult and just say No. On the other hand, brides really need to understand that not everyone is excited to spend a million dollars on their party. IT’S NOT PERSONAL! It does not reflect the love they have for you or how much they value your friendship. It might just come down to paying the bills vs jetting off to Vegas.
@bklynbridetobe: That’s the sad thing, for some people I think it works that way
Post # 78
@FauxPas2012: I did suggest that people who really cannot afford whatever is planned talk to the bride, because chances are the bride would rather have everyone attend than do some big trip with only the few people who can afford it. And if a bride would rather have two people come on an expensive trip rather than all of the people closest to her attend something more reasonably priced, then I have just as much of a problem with that bride as I do the people complaining about spending $100-$200 on a bridal event.
I guess I’ve had both sides of money. I grew up extremely privileged, and now I make just enough to get by and put a little in savings each month. Do I wish I made more money so it wasn’t a stress? Sure! But is it the most important thing? No! Having money and never worrying about it doesn’t equal happiness. Worrying about money and being ridiculously frugal in order to save for certain things doesn’t make you happy either. Love, relationships, friendships, learning, compassion, improving the world, giving back – these are the things that are worth something in life.
Post # 79
@TGold: Ok, then you and I agree about a lot. Money and “things” do not make me happy. But I have to have a LOT of financial security in place to be content and from there I can enjoy the non-monetary activities of life, which include socializing with loved ones.
It’s mainly this inflation of wedding related activities that makes me crazy. How can anyone just starting out in a job expect to get ahead financially when expectations for things like long bachelorette weekends in Vegas and Destination Weddings in Hawaii are becoming the norm? It be crazy.
Post # 80
IDK, I just feel like people don’t seem to know how bachelorette parties work. I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man for my sorority sister and I planned, threw and PAID FOR her entire party including catering, the night out, transportation, everything because all her friends (she had 8 bridesmaids) just could/would not pony up any dough. One of her friends (not in the BP) actually told me that she would come, but could not afford to pay for anything so somebody would need to pay her way. Ummm, this party is not for you. It’s for the bride. If you can’t do anything to contribute to her good time, then don’t come. It’s really that simple to me. And for Pete’s sake don’t complain to the bride!
Post # 81
That said, my British homegirls threw me a “Hen Night” and it was super fun, low-key, all my friends were there and I didn’t have to contribute a dime. I felt like it was a celebration of me and everyone there was there to celebrate me. Which…is how it should be. The one event where you get to unapologetically just be the center of all attention is the very last place that other people should be making it all about them.
Post # 82
@TGold: this! I love this. I’m all about saving (for my future and for friends) but… I just 100% agree.
Post # 83
@weddingbee098: i’ve been in a lot of weddings and i’ve NEVER been in or heard of a bride paying for anything for their bachelorette? Hmmm but I’ve also never had a bride ask to do somethign specific…. The bachelorette party is supposed to be a surprise for the bride, so the bridesmaids shoudl plan something they can afford…. if the bride is asking to go somewhere expensive then she should pay the difference in cost, and i guess i could see some complaining there… but for the most part i think its rude for a bride to ask to do something specific, she can make suggestions but should leave it to the girls… i dunno thats just me
Post # 83
I just attended one, and I was the only person to fly to town for it. $250 right there. The Bridesmaid or Best Man told me to bring $44 for the limo. I asked what our plans were repeatedly, she never answered me. Another friend told me we were going bar hopping. When I got there, they wanted $86 for the limo. We went to a really nice tapas place where the girls all ordered drinks and food and wanted to split the bill evenly even though I don’t really drink. Fine. Then we went to a drag cabaret which could have been fun but was super sketchy and weird. We all paid entry at the door. One of the girls ordered us all shots, then made US pay for them after we took them. Then we went out drinking. All in all, I made it out pretty cheap, I just wish I had known beforehand how much everything would cost and been enlightened as to what the plan was.
Plus one of the girls got so drunk she threw up in the limo and now she expects us to all pitch in for the cleanup fee.
Post # 84
Something I never understand is how the bride/bridal party feel they have any say whatsoever about how other people spend the money they’ve earned. “But they spent money on this, that, and the other, they should be able to afford my party…” is such an obnoxious position. They can spend their money on whatever they like. The bride/bridal party have no say on what other people do with their money.
That being said, if those people find they costs more than what they care to spend, they need to decline the party invitation and be done.
Post # 85
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
I was asked to be in my cousin’s wedding because she’d already dropped two bridesmaids and was running out of friends to ask. She had an extravagent 3-day weekend (everyone was asked to take off work on a non-holiday weekend) at a luxury all-inclusive beach resort. For two fo the bridesmaids, it was simply not financially feasible. Rather than saying “How can we help to make sure you can come? What costs can we adjust?” or “I’m really sorry to hear that, we will definitely miss you! :)” it turned into the Maid/Matron of Honor sending passive-aggressive group emails with budgeting/saving tips and trying to shame the two BMs into coming. When they didn’t, apparently the running joke all weekend was what bitches they were. It became a huge source of drama at the wedding itself (which was a shitshow.)
I think a lot of people complain about the costs of being a bridesmaid because there’s no reasonable alternative: you either do it or you become That Jerk Who Hates Fun. The WB forums themselves are rife with people getting upset because their BMs don’t want to pay $300 for a dress, or don’t want to take off work to go to a dress fitting, or don’t want to participate in whatever extravagent party the bride has dreamed up today because it’s Her Sepcial Wedding Year. And GOD HELP THEM if the costs get out of hand to the point where they have to decline or (GASP!) drop out entirely after accepting. Any of these will makes them look like a villain, and invite untold concern-trolling of their finances (“Well if they downgraded their cable package and put an extra comforter on their bed, they could save $28 a month. They have a YEAR. What selfish assholes! I would move heaven and earth to accommodate a bride!”) A lot of bridesmaids feel like they just can’t win … hence, complaining about bachelorette costs.
In a perfect world, Maids of Honor would plan events that are within the time/budgetary grasp of everyone in the bridal, as the point is for everyone to get together and enjoy themselves with the bride, NOT to spend all weekend instagramming a party that would make Marie Antoinette blush. Failing that, bridesmaids who could not afford would be able to graciously decline, and brides/MOHs would equally graciously accept that. But until those two things happen, people will vent, and in many cases (not all, but many) I have a hard time faulting them.