Spinoff: are u ok w DH hanging alone w female friend you’ve never met …

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Are you ok w DH hanging out alone w female friend you’ve never met before, in your home?
    Yes, in this case : (26 votes)
    33 %
    No, in this case : (53 votes)
    67 %
  • Post # 16
    Member
    1245 posts
    Bumble bee

    My partner is allowed to invite whoever he wants to  our house. I do appreciate the heads up if i am home but it’s not necessary, especially if I’m not home. unless.you have agreed that no guests without informing then there is no problem. 

    If your partner doesn’t know when someone is flirting, does it matter? I assume he can say no if something is about to happen. its about.trusting him. even people who don’t notice flirting do notice when physical lines are crossed.

    i think we all have friends from school we haven’t seen in years and therefore not necessarily mentioned them to  our partner then we run into each other on the street and agree to  coffee. also my partner has several friends I’ve ever met since they meet in guys nights or one on one. I’m not.gonna invite myself to have a beer with them. I don’t think in relationships where trust it like it’s suppose to.you need to find out how your partner interacts with his friends.

    yes you are entitled to feel uncomfortable but there is a difference between feeling and doing something about it.

    Post # 18
    Member
    437 posts
    Helper bee

    Why do people think it’s weird for old classmates to catch up through facebook? Have none of your found/been found by old friends you’ve lost contact with years ago? I mean, I met up with grade school friends because they decided to search for me on facebook, my MOTHER has caught up with primary school mates from like 40 years ago through facebook…

     

    It doesn’t seem that abnormal to me….

    Post # 19
    Member
    34 posts
    Newbee

    As with all areas of a marriage, the boundaries are made where one of the people in relationship feel they need to be made and it’s agreed upon. Some relationships are totally open and some do not allow any friendships with the opposite sex. You have to find where you are both comfortable. 

    Post # 20
    Member
    150 posts
    Blushing bee

    littlemissdimsum : 

    to me it’s a bit odd, maybe not super weird but it’s not like I would be sitting on the train to work and all of a sudden “oh maybe i should write a message to Julian from 2nd grade and ask if he wants to grab some lunch” 

    Post # 21
    Member
    9123 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    this wouldn’t bother me.  female friends in general don’t bother me.

    but the being cagey would.  i wouldn’t expect him to respond to texts during his get together. but if i asked him that evening, i would expect him to tell me where he went and stuff.

    Post # 22
    Member
    1245 posts
    Bumble bee

    anni57: reply button is not working. Sure it might be a bit odd, but not so long ago I was listening to the radio in the car and a song came out that was popular when I was little. My best friend at the time was this boy we used to spin as fast as we could when this song was played. We have since lost contact, but I thought about him that moment and started to miss all the fun things we did together. I don’t think sending a message to a person I was suddenly reminded of (that was important to me back in the day) asking how they are and possibly meeting for a drink is that weird. I didn’t contact him, but if I had I would hate to think that I caused problems in their marriage.

    Post # 23
    Member
    22 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    I think the poll may continue to be split nearly down the middle because there’s no problem with him seeing a female friend for lunch, but it’s weird that they came over and he didn’t mention it. And it’s wrong that he hid things from you. It doesn’t seem like he’s properly computing women’s interest, so although he may not have wrong intentions, he could still end up in a bad situation. Especially since he’s dealing with so many vulnerable women post-breakup. 

    Post # 24
    Member
    1245 posts
    Bumble bee

    The poll will be slipt up since it’s so personal how these are handled. If I was having lunch with a friend and my partner texted me where I had lunch and I was still spending time with the friend I wouldn’t answer and I wouldn’t expect my partner to answer. Also based on the information I don’t really see anything being hidden. If the ropic of briging friends to the house has not been discussed then maybe he didn’t realise to send a message about it especially since OP wasn’t home. He told that they were at the house when asked so I don’t really see anything being hidden.

    But that’s just how I view it and how it works in my relationship. Clearly people here have different views and expectations how things are handled. As long as mutual agreements are followed there is no problem, but if something is not agreed then we can’t make assumptions and get mad if the other person doesn’t share the view.

    Post # 25
    Member
    43 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    I don’t get why so many people on this site are so insecure. It’s totally fine. People know other people who they catch up with. It’s life.

    Post # 26
    Member
    2155 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    iheartpeonies :  not one to beat around the bush….. so HELLLL NO. Heads would roll. Darling Husband would never ever ever ever. And if asked, he’d say the same about me. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    173 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2016

    All of this would be completely fine with me. Why would he respond to my text while they were still hanging out? Unless it was a text about something time-sensitive, but a text like that seems like you’d respond to it after your old friend went home. And the fact that she wanted to know about you and see the wedding pictures is nice, not creepy.

    Post # 28
    Member
    2336 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2012

    iheartpeonies :  No. I would not be ok with it. I’m not insecure I just prefer if my husband respects my private space and boundaries. By The Way when did he get time to clean up? While she was there?

    Anyway, given that he said they weren’t close, I’d be annoyed that he chose to extend the lunch date in the more intimate setting of our home. Likewise I think he’d be mad if I invited some dude I was semi-close with in college back to our home. It seems unnessary and would not work in our marriage. At the very least an heads up would be appreciated.

     

    Post # 29
    Member
    903 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I’m voting No, in this case.  I’m not opposed to m/f friendships but do believe in some basic boundaries which to me, have been crossed here.  Two things really stick out to me here: 1) There doesn’t seem to be any reason that this needed to continue back to your house.  They could have stayed in the restaurant or moved to a coffee shop or whatever to continue hanging out and conversating.  Lots of people would feel funny about a stranger being in their personal space without their knowledge or consent, and I do feel like your husband should have anticipated these feelings and made other arrangements.  2) Your gut is telling you that your husband’s actions were disrespectful.  Just because some women would be cool with this doesn’t mean you have to be (and for what it’s worth, out of the many women in my life I know very few who would be cool with this sort of thing) and your husband should know you well enough to know that.

    Just to clarify: I don’t think the issue here was cheating or anything like that, but just a blatant disregard/disrespect to your feelings.  Maybe now is a good time for a talk about what boundaries you both are comfortable with when it comes to opposite gender friendships ? 

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