Spinoff: are u ok w DH hanging alone w female friend you’ve never met …

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Are you ok w DH hanging out alone w female friend you’ve never met before, in your home?
    Yes, in this case : (26 votes)
    33 %
    No, in this case : (53 votes)
    67 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    5126 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: December 2014

    The not communicating would bother me. My husband always responds to texts, whether he’s out with friends or not and is very forthcoming about his activities, so it would be extremely suspect for him to ignore me and then proceed to invite someone over the house without telling me and only bring it up when I asked. It would make me think that he was hiding something on purpose, even if the friend was male. Also, like PP, I’m wondering when he cleaned the house. It seems odd to clean the house while she was there. If he cleaned the house before they met up, then obviously he planned to have her over before they even went to lunch.

     

    Post # 32
    Member
    9623 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2016

    i personally really hate it when people go in to my home without my knowledge.

    if Darling Husband had texted “hey, we want to keep chatting but the coffee shop is giving us glares–mind if Susie and I hang out at our place?”

    I’d probably say go for it (though begrudgingly–I hate not being able to clean up before people come over) and that’d be that.

    Finding out after the fact would bug me.

    Finding out after the fact only because I happened to notice some things changed in the house would REALLY bug me.

    Post # 33
    Member
    1115 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    I’m going to have to say no.  I wouldn’t do this, ever. And out of respect, he wouldn’t either. 

     

    Also, I would  find it weird that I had never heard of this person before and then suddenly they appear.. 

    Post # 34
    Member
    150 posts
    Blushing bee

    iheartpeonies :  

     

    “Also, apparently this friend was very interested in me and wanted to see all our wedding pictures. I don’t know if that’s flattering or creepy. ”   

    ugh, yeah i would NOT like that.

    Post # 35
    Member
    251 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    iheartpeonies :  i definitely would not be ok with the scenario that played out in this situation. There’s so many suspicious things going on. Why have you never heard of this woman before? Why has he never mentioned her? Why did he ignore your text when he was with her? (Suuuuper disrespectful). Why did they go to your house instead of staying at the coffee shop or goin somewhere else to hang out? I also don’t like the fact that he cleaned before she came over. This is obviously someone who he’s trying to impress. Would he have cleaned anyway for you? If not, you need to ask him why he’s cleaning for this woman and not cleaning for you. 

    The way your Darling Husband handled this situation is what would make me suspicious in this situation. Also, I think you should have been invited to lunch. 

    ETA: I don’t buy his story about them just “happening” to end up at your house. If it truly was a last minute thing, why would he have cleaned beforehand? Either they already had it planned that way, or he was hoping they would end up back there. 

    Post # 36
    Member
    251 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    Also, everyone saying they wouldn’t respond to a text from their partner when out to eat, or that they wouldn’t expect their partner to text back, it literally takes like 3 seconds to type back “it’s going well!” Or something similar. I’m not saying I would have a full blown text conversation with Darling Husband when out with friends, but there’s nothing wrong with keeping Darling Husband in the loop. 

    Post # 37
    Member
    1364 posts
    Bumble bee

    No I would not be okay with this and neither would my husband if roles were reversed.  This just would not happen, this is not a thing that’s okay.  All relationships are unique.  In mine and my husband’s this would be inappropriate.

    Post # 38
    Member
    9673 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    ashley.nicole.2122 :  Agreed with this. If my husband is out I might text him if I need to know something or if my plans change but I’m not texting him just going “Hey, I saw a dog. It was brown!” Which is why I would expect a response. If I know he’s out and with someone he knows I wouldn’t be texting unless it was somewhat important so he makes sure to check his phone and respond.

    Plus, I know he’s looking at his phone at some point and scrolling through social media whether he’s out with friends or not. 

    Post # 39
    Member
    11 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: March 2018

    Personally, I wouldn’t mind him having lunch with a female friend/collegue, but I’d feel unconfortable if he invited her home, especially without asking me; i’d feel like it was an invasion of my privacy. I think that what you feel is important, and you should tell him, and not hold it to yourself, because sooner or later, maybe in another argument, you will bring this up. It doesn’t matter how unreasonble you think you sound, you felt uncomfortable and if you talk to him calmly and state your view, he will understand why you are uneasy about the whole situation. And maybe he can give you a heads up next time. Don’t worry, it sounds like something that you can both talk over a glass of wine 😉

    Post # 41
    Member
    436 posts
    Helper bee

    I think if it were a once off I would feel different, but there seems to be a reoccurring theme of him putting his female friends before you and before his family (read: getting up in the middle of a family dinner to console a female friend who had just experienced a break up). Does he do the same for his male friends? Does he do the same for his family, for you? I get the sense that he doesn’t just by the actions of disrespect he has shown you by not answering your text and not even telling you until you bought it up because of the house being cleaned. It might sound extreme, but if it were me I’d be putting some firm boundaries in place in regards to his friendships with females because I firmly believe in putting your woman first before other women. 

    Post # 42
    Member
    762 posts
    Busy bee

    Your husband seems to be a very caring and compassionate person, and a wonderful friend. Be proud of having such a stand up man to call yours. I would not make this an issue.

    Post # 43
    Member
    11804 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    This would be a non starter for me for all the reasons you mention. First of all, I wonder if they were closer at one point than he admits. Have you ever directly asked if there was ever anything physical between them? 

    I would be more than uncomfortable with a woman you’ve never met spending time alone in the privacy of your home without your knowledge. 

    It doesn’t matter where others place their boundaries. Yours are more than reasonable and your H should respect them. 

    Post # 44
    Member
    3854 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    iheartpeonies :  The only part about this that bothers me is having someone over to the house without at least checking in with you. Darling Husband will occasionally have someone over and I’m fine with that, but I always get a head’s up sort of text/call prior to this. I do the same. So, for Darling Husband to invite someone over without checking with me would bother me a little bit. 

    In this situation, I’d just state (in a way that is not accusing or trying to assign blame) that you would have prefered a head’s up and are asking for one in the future. Does he have any more plans to meet this woman? If so, now’s your time to meet her. 

    Post # 45
    Member
    168 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I’m not into it.  Man or woman, I like to know who is in my house, and so does my hubs.  There is too much personal stuff for people to get ahold of in someone”s domain; plus, it is eerie not knowing what exactly some rando is doing in your most private space–people are weird and do weird things from time to time, no matter how well you know them.

    In your particular scenario, I would be squinting at my husband real s’picious like and let him know that his behavior was off, just so he’d be extra careful next time.  At some point he should have checked in with you during a bathroom break, or just telling her he needed to let you know what the next part of his day looked like so you could plan around it.  Secondly, he cleaned up, so he knew she was coming or suspected it at the very least?  He really should have basic manners in letting even a roommate know there will be  someone around should they want to hide anything away at the very least.  Just because he trusts her does not mean anyone else has to.  Lastly, he needs to be sensitive to the fact it is a woman that you don’t know, because you are his first priority and should be most worried about your feelings, just in case you weren’t cool  with it.  My hubs can’t stand when he is oblivious to something he does that ends in hurting my feelings because I’m his person and he always wants the best for me, especially since it upsets him as much as it does me when I’m upset (and vice versa).

    I am lucky in the sense that my husband hangs out with men primarily, and women usually only by default when doing group activities or work stuff–just his natural inclination and I prefer it that way as I can’t help but want to protect my bond with my husband from any possible intruders in a way that I think of as almost an evolutionary defense mechanism.  One of  my brothers, though, has always had mainly very emotionally needy ladies as friends, and it has always made me roll my eyes (as I am very much not that sort of person to leech sympathy off of anyone).  With my brother, I think he likes to feel like the hero or just likes to be needed, but it still makes me want to gag and I wouldn’t like it if my partner was that way because I don’t like the idea that any woman thinks she can keep him at her beck-and-call. 

    I am automatically supsicous of any woman who tries to hang-out solo with very attached men, knowing that the partner does not know them and that they mean no harm–I think man or woman can’t help  but feel some sort of threatened, and it is the partner’s job to dispel this in a reasonable manner.  I think it’s a respect thing with opposite sex friendships that the partner needs to be on good terms and comfortable with the friend, even if they don’t particularly like them as their own friends.  In my mind, it’s more of a vibe thing–I feel most partners are watching the interactions of said friend to see if anything sexual/flirty is there and how much of an eye they need to keep on the relationship between the two.  If it isn’t possible for the partner to meet a friend, say if they meet up out of town because partner is in their city on business, then it stays in a public place.  To me it is all about courtesy to your partner above all else because you understand humans are not completely secure beings and you don’t want them to worry in any way that might damage your relationship.

    If I were you, I’d be explaining all these points to my hubs and make sure he gets what I’m after before dropping it.  If he acted any sort of odd or defensive, I would be digging to make sure he wasn’t up to any funny business.  If he wants to explain his side and why he thinks you’re being  unreasonable/controlling/etc., well then, you two need to figure out how you both feel about meeting in the middle, if it’s possible.  It’s time for one of those talks that refines the relationship a touch more.

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