Post # 1
I was reading another thread about a woman concerned about a family member making a poor choice by marrying young (very early twenties). I understood a lot of the concerns, however I was also struck by the very cynical responses to this woman’s decision to marry. As a young bride who also definitely has her shit together, I was floored by the bee’s reaction! My families (mine and my FI’s) are not in the slightest groups of people who support marrying young, but they never batted an eye throughout the course of my relationship with Fiance – they knew us and knew that WE knew what we were getting into, and how to make it work. Does anyone else take young marriages on a case by case basis? Or are they all bad (in your opinion)?
Keep in mind that as a case study, you should consider a young relationship that is built on independence, self-sufficience, and communication (the core of any great relationship in my opinion).
Consider a couple who:
- has been together for 3 years, and has been close since childhood
- moved in together (scandalously!) after high school in a university town as they pursued their next level of education
- found an incredible rhythm of living together where all tasks are shared, and one half is always ready to support and uplift the other
- balanced a budget and made all financial decisions jointly
- regularly plan for futures that include each other
- have great relationships with their own respective families, as well as each others
- are financially self-sufficient
- have serious job offers on the table after graduation
- will not have any debt after university OR the wedding
- are in the best sense, best friends
SPOILER: Yes this couple is Fiance and I; I am completely biased, but I know we are making the right decision for us 😉
Post # 3
I don’t think I have any right to judge anyone else’s relationship. If they are mature enough to make the decision to get married, that’s their decision. I don’t care if you’re 23 or 83. Only you know when you’re truly ready for such a commitment.
Post # 5
I’m actually all for young marriages, assuming the couple has their life together and are stable, working, etc. Personally, I don’t see much point in dating for years just to reach a certain age before getting married. If it’s what you want and you’re going to do it, you might as well do it and give it your all, 110%.
Post # 6
@PenultimateWhisk: I definitely take things on a case by case basis. My Fiance and I have been together since we were 15. We knew that we wanted to be together then, but it was important to use to have our education out of the way before we married, just so we wouldn’t be burdened with wedding planning, school and jobs. We are different people than when we were 20, but we both are different, and that difference is for the better not the worse. So to me that argument, never works.
I would be leary of anybody regardless of age if they wanted to get married, really quickly after meeting and dating. That’s just me. A piece of paper doesn’t make a marriage, a commitment makes a marriage and to me a short dating period, wouldn’t show me that you’re commited. Just my two cents.
Post # 7
I’m 25, Fiance is 23. We will be 26 and 24 at the ceremony, and are the first in our circle to get married. Surprisingly, nobody has actually said anything to us about our ages, and we were expecting it.
I don’t think financial stability necessarily comes with maturity, so I voted ‘other’. The latter is far more important and can definitely come first. The idea of having all the pieces in place before you wed is, in my opinion, an outdated notion in this economy; Fiance and I are going to build up our lives together, as a married couple.
Post # 8
@PenultimateWhisk: I think if you are both of legal age to consent to marriage and are both mentally capable of consenting to marriage, then you can get married. However, I would really hope that any potential couple would be financial capable of taking care of themselves without assistance and show a real respect for their relationship before making that decision – that goes for any couple, regardless of age.
Post # 9
@PenultimateWhisk: I supported friends who married a year after college. They were so value aligned and supportive, it was great.
it wasn’t until their careers were underway that cracks / stress have started to show. She thinks he’s not supportive (she’s a sahm in the Bay Area) and he thinks she’s not supportive (she gets upset if he works long hours and wants him to be home for her and the kid)
it is hard for me to see my friends so unhappy but none of us could have seen it when they got married at 23. When she was expecting #1, I started seeing the crazy (can’t eat things she can’t eat, can’t do things she can’t do, etc. ) and it has affected our friendship.
Just a perspective because every case is different.
Post # 10
I was reading another thread about a woman concerned about a family member making a poor choice by marrying young (very early twenties). I understood a lot of the concerns, however I was also struck by the very cynical responses to this woman’s decision to marry. As a young bride who also definitely has her shit together, I was floored by the bee’s reaction!
So you decided to create another post to get the same responses?
You cite yourselves as the case study so I doubt you are interested in any responses that quote the increased rate of divorce amongst those who marry young. I would have had the same reaction when I was in my twenties.
- 59 percent of marriages for women under the age of 18 end in divorce within 15 years. ” “Cohabitation, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage in the United States,” M.D. Bramlett and W.D. Mosher
- 60 percent of marriages for couples between the ages of 20 and 25 end in divorce. ” National Center for Health Statistics
- 50 percent of all marriages in which the brides are 25 or older result in a failed marriage. ” National Center for Health Statistics
These studies show that there is a high risk of divorce for all marriages, but the risk is the highest for those who marry young. Statistics aren’t everything. Hopefully your marriage will defy the odds. Some obviously do.
Post # 11
I think it can work definitely. I know a lot of people who have been together since their teens and are married for 5-10 years koe and going sting (although most of them waited until mid 20s to tie the knot). However, I think there is a greater risk of it not working out if you marry young. I look at it scientifically. Your brain is literally since changing and developing up until your mid 20s. It is very likely that two people who marry at 20 or 21 will change in personality, ideals, etc because their brain is still developing. A lot of times couples can ride through this change and find that they are still compatible, but sometimes it doesn’t work. I personally would want to wait until mid 20s for this reason.
Post # 12
I chose other since I feel it’s none of my or anyone’s business.
There’s A LOT of judgemental people on here who judge young couples harshly, even if the post is about something other than weddings, if they know the OP is young they will be snarky towards her in the comments.
Personally, I’m 27 but got engaged at 23, after getting engaged I realized I wasn’t exactly prepared for it mentally (it was a surprise proposal) even though I knew he was the ‘one’, but my Fiance was fine with extending our engagement and waiting, now we’re planning our wedding. A lot of other bee’s have had the same experience with most of them not ending up with that person so they use their experiences to try to ‘warn’ younger bee’s so to speak.
My thing is, everything in life is a learning experience and I don’t think it’s anyone’s place to judge others in their decisions, if it doesn’t have an affect on your life, move on. If a younger bee asks and questions her decision, GREAT give plenty of necessary advice but I’ve seen unwarranted comments far too many times on this board.
Post # 13
In your situation, I would not be screaming no, but I am very causious about any marriage where the particpants are not completely in the “adult world” yet. Thats why 25 is my “magic number” for a lot of people as most will have been out of shcool and working for 2-3 years at that point.
I went to a school with a large medical program. A lot of my friends where in said medical program and met their spouce and got married durring school because the medical program takes at least 6 years to complete. They had jobs in college, they were financially independent. They had jobs right after school and stayed financially independent. A few of them lived together. A lot of their marriages broke apart with in 3 years of graduating. School is very insular. You end up with a lot of the same friends and interest by default as there is little option B. A lot of people get into the same friend group/party culture and find out when they graduate they can’t rely on that culture or those friends to prop up their relationship. They go to work at 8 and want to go to bed by 10, but find out that their spouce still wants to act like they can skip class if they felt like it (when you really can’t skip a job.) They weren’t necessarily young, a lot of them where 26+ There is just a jump from school to the “real world” that they did not anticipate.
A few of them have worked out though. Most of the ones that have worked are the ones who where graduated for at least a year prior to their marriage. They may have been engaged and living togehter durring this time, but they adjusted to that life without the “forever” pressure.
Post # 15
As long as I am not being asked to lend financial support or lend my time ie giving rides or babysitting because the couple doesn’t have the money to buy a car/ fix a car/ or pay for daycare or babysitter I could guve two effs what someone young or otherwise does. Once you become a unit with your SO, those two alone need to figure things out.
Being in love/ relationship was not a priority for me when I was in my late teens/ early twenties. I ddidn’t stumble into a lasting relationship during that time either. I had my own priorities and dreams that I wanted to fulfill, but I will not see fault in another person’s decision to start a family/ get married young.
Post # 16
@PenultimateWhisk: good for you, and if a young bridr counterpart doesn’t have all these thibgs going for them what are you going to do? Judge her? Tell her she’s getting married too young? Come on, every adult can make their own decisions whether they look like you on paper or not.