(Closed) SPINOFF – Are young brides really so frowned upon?

posted 7 years ago in 20 Something
  • poll: Are you in support of young marriages?

    Under no circumstances would I support a marriage of individuals under the age of 23

    Under special circumstances I would consider supporting the marriage of individuals under 23

    I do support young marriages, but believe the couple must be completely financially stable

    Financial stability, and experience living independently are the only prerequisites for marriage

    I support young marriages unconditionally

    Other (please explain)

  • Post # 17
    Member
    693 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @PenultimateWhisk:  My God Daughter recently got married at 21. (Side bar note-I’m 37 and was also recently married.  Both of us had first-time marriages within 2 months of the other.  It was super fun to plan together!)

    Anyway, she got a LOT of feedback that she should wait to get married.  Her mother vented to me about it, and she said she wished she would wait a few years, etc.  I told her mother that life is short and can go by so fast.  And, that I’ve never seen her daughter so happy!  It’s a horrible thought, but what if she or he isn’t here in a few years?  Focus on your daughter being happy in the moment, and let whatever happens happen.  Be happy with her.

    Additionally, I didn’t tell her mother this, but I aggreed with her! ๐Ÿ™‚  Being single and standing on my own taught me so much about myself and life in general.  If my God Daughter had asked my opinion, I would have suggested she wait a while.  But, she didn’t ask, so I didn’t give it.  I supported her decision without giving her any negative feedback. : )

    Post # 18
    Member
    1523 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    There is some wisdom that can only be gained through age.

    I voted “other” in your poll because it definitely isn’t black/white for me. But I do tend to think that if a couple is going to be “together forever”, what is the harm in waiting?

    Post # 19
    Member
    11528 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    I didn’t marry until I was in my mid 40s, and, in hindsight, I’m glad that I did not marry when I was much, much younger, because I, personally, did not know who I was and what I should have been seeking in a life-time mate. I had a great deal to learn about myself, about God, about life, and about marriage.

    If I had married when I was in my 20s, I likely would have made a very poor decision, based on wrong patterns of thinking.

    HOWEVER, I am NOT opposed to the idea of couples marrying in their early 20s. 

    In fact, in my specific faith (Christian), it can be very wise for couples to marry when they are young, because Scripture teaches that it is not right for couples to have sexual contact outside of a marriage-covenant relationship. Those who find God’s will of a mate for their lives when they are young have the advantage of growing together, doing life together early on in their lives, and experiencing God’s design for marriage all at a young age.

    Continuing with that thought, I am always delighted when I see wise, mature, Godly, young couples who choose to marry right out of college.  As long as both individuals in these couples have a strong relationship with and are fully committed to God and to each other, I think they usually are making a very wise choice to marry young.

    However, when I observe Christian young people choosing to marry for the wrong reasons (just so that they can be sexually active, just because all of their friends are getting married, just because they don’t want to be — or are afraid to be — on their own, etc.) or choosing to marry the wrong person (i.e. a person who, based on Biblical standards, would not be an eligible mate), I am always concerned and saddened.

    I view one’s choice of marriage partner to be the second most important decision an individual will ever make in his or her lifetime.  I think it’s very important to make a wise choice and to be ready for the commitment required in marriage, regardless of whether a couple is in their 20s or much older.

    Post # 20
    Member
    2673 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @PenultimateWhisk:  I think people’s opinion on young marriages is very much dependent upon where they are from, as well as other social factors. Within my immediate family and group of friends, people would’ve thought it was absolutely insane to get married before finishing college. I got my bachelor’s at a large Ivy League university in the north east, and the first person in my social circle to get married, did so a year after graduation. Her husband was from Kansas, so we all assumed that factored into them marrying youngish. Everyone else waited until at least 25 to get married. Im only speaking to my social circle though, I’m sure there were other people at our school who married sooner for religious reasons or whatever. 

     

    Post # 21
    Member
    2890 posts
    Sugar bee

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    @julies1949:  +1. 

    I would support the case presented here. We can of course celebrate love and committment at any age. Would I frown ? A little bit, out of surprise, as it is quite uncommon in my area to get married that young. Most people getting married are older and established (over 25, and a lot more in their 30s). 

    But speaking from experience, I’ve been in a 9 year relationship with my ex and we grew apart in our 20s, even if we were in love, seriously committed (lived together 6 years) and had our shit together. We just happened to grow as adults and realized we didn’t share the same goals 9 years later. Same happened with all my friends, no exception. Nobody is with the same guy they were dating (or living with) at 22-23. 

    It doesn’t mean that it never ends up with a success story. It doesn’t mean I judge those who marry young. But I simply can’t pretend to fully support young marriages because in all honesty, there’s always a little doubt in my head as to wether or not this marriage is going to last. Because of statistics, and because of my life experience in my 20s. I guess it makes my opinion biased, but you wanted an honest opinion so there it is. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 22
    Member
    446 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    @PenultimateWhisk:  I really think it depends. I’m 27 and by the time I’m married I will be 28. I personally changed so much in college and surprisingly, even more after college was over. Heck, I’ve changed a lot in the last couple of years. I can’t imagine being married at 26. Or even at 27! I think it’s just about timing and how you feel about it all. Just remember that people do most of their changing in their mid-twenties. I don’t hold a lot of the same beliefs as I did even 2 years ago.

    You seem like both you and your fiance both have a good head on your shoulders. Good luck to you both!

    Post # 23
    Member
    283 posts
    Helper bee

    I’m 21 and getting married. I have definitely experienced a LOT of flack for being so young and getting married, but for me there were some huge things I had to figure out first and had to take into consideration before my Fiance and I agreed to this.

    I’ve had my own struggles through the years, as has my Fiance. They were some really traumatic times for both of us, and even though we’ve had our own struggles (he was employed part time out of his field for two years after school, I struggled in school and had to take some time off and find myself before starting again, his family went through some scary health-related problems that meant we spent about 3 months in a hospital most nights) through the three and a half years we’ve been together, I’ve seen so much joy come from our relationship and so much positive change in us as individuals and to those around us.

    I know that us getting married means I don’t have to sacrifice what I love to do, I won’t have to sacrifice going to school, we’re aligned in our values so I don’t have to sacrifice who I am, we know what we want out of life and are driven to get it, and we’re prepared to step up and help each other get there even if it means sacrifices on either of our parts. Simply because that’s what we’ve been doing since day 1, and I think that even if we just lived together for a long period of time and then split up, it would be just as heart-wrenching as being married and getting divorced.

    Bottom line, I know we are financially stable (yay for promotions for the man, and for school being taken care of for me) and will be for a while, my parents were the exact same age as we are when they got married and 32 years later they’re still trucking. I think I read a couple of articles re: divorced parents and a correlation between parents divorcing and their children divorcing. Both of our sets of parents are still together, so hopefully we’ll have a little bit of statistics on our side ๐Ÿ™‚

    That being said, divorce happens, and so do splits between partners who aren’t married. The only way to be sure you won’t get divorced is to not get married, but that doesn’t mean you won’t also go through the heartbreak of separating from someone which is equally as difficult.

    I’m also of the opinion that in our lives we fall in love many times, but there’s one ‘greatest love’ that you find and you never really forget, always sort of tied to it no matter if things go south or not. Some people find and lose them, or move on to another love, some people find that love and stick with it for the rest of their lives. Bottom line for me is that I believe that my Fiance is my greatest love, and even if we divorce one day, I want to have the chance to experience that love for as long as I’m meant to.

    Post # 24
    Member
    283 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    @Brielle:  I grew up in the Christian faith and still hold much of it close to my heart, although I definitely see it from the outside now and am equally as critical of it as I am appreciative. I really agree with you re: young Christian couples getting married for the wrong reasons. I know a young man who got engaged to his girlfriend after 10 months of dating last year, and I honestly feel it was a ‘trendy’ thing and was based a lot around wanting to move in together and ultimately be sexually active. They have a 1.5 year long engagement, and I just don’t understand.

    The entire situation resulted from too many visits to youth groups with seminars saying the extent of ‘Marry her because that way you can have sex and not feel guilty about it!’ , and too many goody-two-shoes people who were pushing them to get together. He said to me at one point that there were ‘other things you could do other than sex’ and that they just had to get married to have real sex. BIG RED ALERT right there. And out of the 10 months they were together, she was out of the country for 7 of them. I didn’t say anything to them because it wasn’t my business, but after 10 months of knowing my Fiance we were NOT ready to be engaged.

    I really value the years I had to grow with my Fiance, I think the years we’ve been through are tumultuous years for anyone, and having the time we’ve had has cemented our relationship with a rich history and experiences that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I of course wish this couple the very best, but I feel sad for any couple whose motivation for marriage is based on their sexual desire.

    I’m marrying my best friend, my teammate and backup when I need it, somebody who sees me for my heart and my personality, not my body. And I think that’s what God wanted, somebody who is amazed by the heart he gave you, and wants to treat you like the miracle you are ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 25
    Member
    3075 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

    I got married young though no rude comments thus far. Mainly just people are surprised/ shocked but that’s about it. I probably don’t fit (m)any of your little points, I skimmed through, but I don’t see why one would care about the snarky comments or if it’s any better if you get married young as long as you do —. Don’t care about the age, it’s irrelevant IMO. 

    In conclusion :p , I don’t roll my eyes at young brides since I was one, so maybe I could relate to one. Only pet peeve are the “I’m mature for my age ” comments some make…

    Post # 26
    Member
    8035 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    I think it really depends on the situation.

    In many places it’s encouraged to marry young. Here in western Canada, getting married super young isn’t that common… at least not in big cities. I only know one couple in my circle of friends/acquaintances who got married before age 25. I got married at 28 and I am one of the first ones to marry!

    At 23 I was nowhere close to being ready to marry. I lived at home still… and I just finished my degree. I just started my first “big girl” job, and I was in a pretty shitty relationship where I wanted to get married but completely picked the wrong guy. I didn’t have a clue how a good relationship should work. I am fairly certain that if we had married (thank god he didn’t want to!), we’d be divorced by now.

    Many people just imagine themselves at a young age and are like WOW, I AM SO GLAD I DID NOT MARRY BACK THEN… so they transfer that onto others. I think it’s only natural to do that… humans do that with everything.

    I guess in a lot of situations with young couples, I just wonder what the rush is… but yes, if you’ve been running a household together for a couple of years and it works well, marriage is the next logical step. I have to say I don’t quite understand marrying quickly/young for religious reasons, but to each their own I suppose.

    Post # 27
    Member
    621 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    I’m a relatively young bride (22) but I don’t think getting married young is a good option for everyone. There are a couple handful of women who I went to HS with that are now married, some I support and others I don’t.

     

    The ones I don’t support are the relationships that they meet, date, get engaged and married all within the same year! (A couple of people I know did this). Are they still happy? It seems like it. Will they be together until they die? Who knows. Does my opinion matter in the slightest? Absolutely not!

     

    If someone wants to marry the guy they meet 6 months ago, it doesn’t make a difference to me, but I will probably be skeptical on if the marriage will work and might even roll my eyes.

     

    I think once someone reaches the consentual age, which in Canada I believe 16+ with parents permission (I went to HS with a girl who got married when she was 16 -and she is still with her husband 6 years later) then I am fine with the marriage if:

    -the couple has lived together

    -financially independent

    -has been together for at least a couple years

    -Can afford to pay for their own city hall/elopement/DW/wedding (a friend of mine got married when they were 20 and both of them were still living at home and their parents had to pay for the whole wedding).

    Post # 28
    Member
    7308 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

    From my generation (those born after 1970) I have seen exactly 3 couples who married before 25 actually last. 3 out of 20ish. So based on my experience, when I hear about a young couple getting married I pretty much assume that I’ll be hearing about their divorce in a few years, shake my head at the rush of it all, and move on. It’s not worth me worrying about the things that other people choose to do with their lives.

    Post # 29
    Member
    3274 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Honestly I’m much more likely to judge someone who married in their 30s than early 20s based on my experiences. Everyone I know married before 23 and no one has divorced. It is extremely common to be married with children in your early 20s. If someone is 25 and not married they are looked down upon as not being able to find a husband and people start to think there’s something wrong with you. But it’s also very easy to be financially independent and own a house before 23. Living together before marriage is looked down upon and not suggested. I’m not saying I agree with all of these ideals but that’s how I was raised and the beliefs of my area. I do think getting married young is great and it’s much more important to understand that divorce is not an option regardless of age. I’m getting married at 21 and the only comments are, “finally” and “when are you guys going to have kids?”, etc. Never heard a negative comment about being young. 

     

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